Double Team

Overall VD Rating: 5

We didn’t hate it as much as we thought we would hate it. We didn’t hate Dennis Rodman as much as we thought we would hate him. He was surprisingly charming. But there were basketball metaphors. We mean, JCVD and Rodman fell out of the sky and were saved by an inflatable ball. We haven’t been disappointed by balls this much since we were sixteen.

JCVD Exposure: 7 - 1 = 6

We should explain our score here: things started out well. JCVD was shirtless in a pool (that means he was wet) and loving on his wife (WHO DIDN’T DIE!) and then shirtless in bandages and shirtless while training and shirtless while doing pull-ups…and then it was like the director said “okay, no more shirtless.” This had the effect of a striptease where he puts his clothes back on for the final “show.”

Mickey Rourke (Mickey Rourke was in this movie; do we think he used this experience to fuel his oscar worthy Wrestler performance?) was thoughtful enough to take his shirt off for the end. And we said thank you. But as wonderful as Mickey Rourke and his 9 ½ week abs were, the villain should not be shirtless when the hero is wearing multiple layers. Dennis Rodman took his shirt off too, but what did JCVD do? He ran around in a tank top and over shirt wearing Converse! Sometimes with a fur vest. That’s like two points off the top right there.

Fur vest vs. mullet? This is how dreams die.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5

There was a roundhouse kick off a counter while sliding on coke cans. There was excellent training montage where he deadlifts a bathtub full of water ala Rocky IV and flexes like the Mr. Universe panel of judges is watching. We said well done sir!

Too many guns and explosions, however. THEY BLOW UP THE COLOSSEUM. Which is apparently flammable based on the giant fireball that erupted from a few landmines.

And Kate would like to emphasize the grotesque inappropriateness of removing your thumb print with a scalpel and gluing it to an eraser. Jess was just impressed the band-aid stayed on. This was a pretty impressive band-aid: It survived swimming through the ocean, complete with underwater fight, punching through boards, being JCVD hanging off the back of a package being towed by an airplane, falling through sky and landing in a basketball parachute…this was like the duct tape of band-aids. We can’t even get a band-aid to last the day. Perhaps further proof of JCVD’s awesomeness?

This band-aid proves his god-like quality.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 4

This was not Dennis Rodman’s fault! Yes. We were shocked too. However, the plot was really bad. Like, Kickboxer bad. Kate thinks its worse and that tells you just how bad it is.

But the basketball metaphors were tremendous. There was offensive and defensive and 5 pointers and airballs and shooting and parachutes…it was just all bad. Whoever thought that was a good idea probably voted for George Bush. (Both of them.)

Dennis Rodman was good, though; he was quirky, his hair changed color every other scene (that’s not an exaggeration) and he was, overall, as much fun in the movie as he was in his basketball games.

We should probably admit we both hate basketball. That might explain our virulent reactions to the basketball references. (It’s not a real sport if you don’t hit each other.)

The wife was well played; we’re pretty excited she survived. It gives us hope for the future. She does give birth to a 30 pound baby…we bet that hurt. Why do movie producers think you can show a 4 month old and all the female viewers aren’t going to grab their crotch and say “there is no way that thing could come out of you without causing death!” No wonder there were so many scalpels hanging around during the birthing scene. Gotta cut that thing loose!

(Jess is having a seizure from the thought of this.)

Apparently in movies babies gestate for just over a year. (It makes the vag twitch in agony. That is not an appropriate response to a JCVD movie.)

We could talk more about Mickey Rourke as the bad guy, but we already told you he took his shirt off and that’s really the only important part. Iron Man 2 this was not.

We recommend this movie with a volume of adult beverages or hallucinogenic drugs. That’s really about all that’s gonna make it okay.

Friends: "The One After the Superbowl"

Overall VD Rating: 7

We sat through a whole “double episode” to see no more than ten minutes of JCVD. But it was a glorious ten minutes. There were fatigues; there was a monkey. There was a friendship brought to the brink of ruin over their lust inspired by the power of JCVD.

JCVD Exposure: 7

He really wanted to have threesomes in this episode. One with Courtney Cox and Drew Barrymore. And then with Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston. We were sitting here wondering where our invite was.

Seriously, though, while the threesome talk was less than seductive, he does woo Jennifer Aniston and we have to say, this might be her best piece of acting work. It takes serious skill to get seduced by JCVD.

JCVD Boot to Face: 7

“I can crack a walnut with my butt.”

We think that explains it.

The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7

The girls are reduced to a fighting/clawing/flicking match over their jealousy and rage. Courtney Cox (a brunette) wants JCVD but has not the courage to talk to him. Jennifer Aniston (a blond) goes up for her friend, but then dates JCVD. Things can never be the same after a cataclysmic event such as that.

Kate (a blond) and Jess (a brunette) here by solemnly swear to take this meta-theatrical moment to heart and to take JCVD together or not at all!

Who knew Friends could be so enlightening?

Coming Soon in 2010

More JCVD! Kate and I have been on Christmas hiatus and while we watched a lot of movies, a discovery of Gene Kelly, an on-going affair with Cary Grant, and pledging of love to Gregory Peck slowed down the JCVD watching. Once again back on schedule, however, prepare yourself for Cyborg and Double Team. Lord knows Kate and I are attempting to...

JCVD Life Lesson #7: How to Fall Down at Bowling

We went bowling Friday night. Cosmic bowling, in fact, and it was everything you could ever hope bowling to be and more. The first game passed fairly uneventfully, but the second game was where the action was. No less then you would expect, I gather, as both shenanigans, patience, and clumsiness need a little warm-up time.

The first roll of the second game I gauged my approach; I held my shiny green ball under my chin and stood, looking to all the world like I might be the sort of person that bowls a mean game. At least, that’s how I narrated my appearance in my head. Sometimes I like to imagine myself as a kind of rockstar, or at least schooled in the arts of Kung Fu. I began to move forward, stepping with my left foot, swinging the ball back, and then...both my knees hit the floor with all of my considerable weight and bowling force behind them as my arm continued to swing forward. The ball rocketed down the lane veering sharply to the left as my arms flew forward in something eerily like a Superman pose. My chest slammed down next creating a fully splayed picture of me, half of which was now lying in bowling grease.

There are moments in life where you don’t have the good fortune to belly flop while bowling in private. Sometime you bruise both knees and land in grease with the sort of graceless explosion of a sea lion jumping on land. When these moments come all you can do is laugh and hope that you won’t have to go to the emergency room with a busted knee because you fell down while bowling. A person wants to have been leaping out of the way of danger, narrowly missing an explosion after secretly saving the country, or, at the very least, have been diving for a falling baby. You don’t want to explain to the emergency room people that for one second you lost the ability to move without falling and were now broken because of it.

But I’ve recovered from my spill (mostly). It seems I must only suffer with two bruised knees and a carpal tunnel wrist that hates me when I bowl for a day or two before all will be well again. And I think to myself “what would JCVD do?” Would he give up on his bowling career? No. There would anger, gritting of teeth, and promises of revenge. There would be a training montage and screams of pain while he learned how to do the splits. Maybe you never knew the splits were needed when bowling, but JCVD would show us why. He would also lose his shirt in a freak bowling accident that would only enhance the awesomeness of his final bowl to victory.

I’m not going to learn how to do the splits and let’s hope I don’t lose my shirt, but I am going to make a triumphant return to bowling. And I will break 100. Because that, my friends, is how I roll. JCVD has shown me the way!

Ninja Assassin!

This will be our first guest blog. A movie such as Ninja Assassin (pronounced NINJA ASSASSIN!! with a crescendo starting soft and ending loud) deserves to be viewed, rated, and appreciated in light of something like the JCVD Project. After the movie ended Kate asked, “Do you think I would have liked this movie as much if we weren’t doing the JCVD Project?” and we both agreed that she probably wouldn’t. Watching JCVD’s movies has given us both a new appreciation for the martial arts movie and the sort of awesomeness that one can only find with men who know their boot to face.

Overall VD Rating: 9

This movie will also be the first film to be evaluated with the JCVD rating system that doesn’t star Mr. JCVD himself. We’re excited to apply our methodology to the great world of cinema.

JCVD (Ninja) Exposure: 10

He does a handstand on nails. SLOWLY. He throws shuriken without a shirt on, blindfolded. He consistently has his shirt ripped off, cut off, sliced off, just...off. And Raizu, the name of our beloved rogue ninja should have his shirt off all the time. Seriously.

And the emotive opportunities were not wasted either. In fact, his ability to convey emotion, sarcasm, and anger with little more than a facial twitch was both impressive and engaging. It was just one more reason to stare at him really hard. Sincerely, though, while there were aspects of the plot that were a bit clichéd and trite, the ninja acting was not one of them.

JCVD (Ninja) Boot to Face Action: 10

You wish you had seen this sort of boot to face action in the theater. If you haven’t yet you should go find the nearest cinema and experience it. There are ninja fighting ninja. There are ninja cutting off body parts. There are training montages (we LOVE the training montage); there are really cool weapons scenes. There is Raizu without a shirt kicking so much ass, you didn’t even know there was that much ass in the world to be kicked.

A lot of criticism has been leveled at this film for being so gory. While the gore was significant and enough to make the viewer cringe a little at first, it was neither gratuitous nor realistic. The effect wasn’t painful or disturbing like a Tarantino movie might be, but was instead something meta-theatrical like a video game. There are arms being chopped off and cherry red blood flying everywhere, but the viewer is really effectively situated in another world where the laws of physics and human anatomy don’t apply. You can enjoy the “gore-fest” as something necessary and entertaining to the story, therefore, without being disturbed or overwhelmed by the violence.

Also, while the ninja are certainly super-powered to some degree, there was no bad ninja flying. There was ninja jumping, ninja shadow-walking, ninja healing, and ninja ninja-ness, but no bad ninja flying. At no point did it feel like we were watching wire work on screen. It felt exciting, real, and superhuman.

The Effect of Others on JCVD’s (Ninja’s) Awesomeness: 7

Mika, played by the same actress that portrayed Calypso in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, proved as good of an actress in a ninja movie was she was in a pirate movie. She was a believable Europol researcher who was too smart for her own good, decent under pressure, but totally unprepared for a ninja attack. Really, which of us is prepared for a ninja attack? Granted, if you know they’re after you and your building mysteriously loses power, you probably shouldn’t go in. It did allow her to meet Raizu, however, and frankly if we knew there was a chance we could meet him, we might risk ninja attack too.

He’s just that good.

The bad guy was also really well portrayed. He was oddly respectable even while clearly a monster. Child abuse doesn’t even begin to cover ninja training, and yet both us were saddened by the destruction of the clan by Europol at the end. It seemed unfair for ninja to be gunned down like fish in a barrel. They deserve to be defeated in hand to hand combat! Yes, we are aware that they kill babies for 100 pounds of gold, but the principle remains.

Overall if you like martial arts movies, action movies, fun movies, and especially hot movies, you should go see this film. It’s a good time. Don’t be surprised when all they do is fight, and don’t listen to the reviewers who criticize it because all they do is fight. That’s what the movie is supposed to do. That’s why they titled it Ninja Assassin instead of Ninja Cuddles a Rabbit.

JCVD Life Lesson #6: My Obsession With Hit Men Continues

This is the part of the JCVD Project that we all knew was coming but dreaded anyway. We even said it in our Mission Statement: self discovery and all that. But when I embarked on this little project, it never occurred to me that I would self discover my inappropriate attractions to such a degree.

First there was Dolph in Universal Soldier. Now, we can all agree that Dolph is a very attractive man, but he wears a necklace of ears around his neck in that movie. Ears. If anything should turn a person off I would think it a necklace of ears would be in the top three. Not me, though, oh no; sure, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be attracted. I knew it wasn’t healthy to be attracted. But you show me a topless Dolph Lundgren, even a crazy ear-necklace wearing Dolph Lundgren, and a small part of me can’t help but react. The sad thing is the mullet in Masters of the Universe does successfully repulse me; so do I be happy I’m appropriately turned off by mullets or sad that ear-necklaces don’t get the job done?

Then there are all the countless times Mr. JCVD himself gets strung up in his movies. Usually his arms are chained above his head and he’s beat up, hosed down, or beat up then hosed down. Again--his being tortured should not be hot and yet...there I sit, quietly, desperately hoping that Kate won’t notice my inappropriate attractions (and she always does, the wanker).

Finally there was Ninja Assassin. There will be a guest blog on this movie, probably very soon, but I have to talk about it a little bit here to make my point. Luckily for me Raizu is a good guy--he doesn’t kill innocent people...anymore. Unluckily for me Raizu does kill fellow ninjas, quite gruesomely, without a second glance. Now on the one hand a person could consider my latest obsession a healthier one as he is the hero of the story. But, I’m still slightly disturbed by my romantic predilections because rogue ninja or not, Raizu is one very dangerous, very broken man.

And so we come to the point of this revealing, embarrassing, disheartening revelation about what I’m looking for in a man: how do we, as viewers, tell the difference between fantasies that are harmless to engage in and fantasies that we should fight against with every breath of our existence?

I assume (and I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming this) that were I to meet a young, shirtless Dolph Lundgren with a necklace of ears around his neck I would not react with breathless anticipation. I assume (and please please PLEASE let me be right about this) that I would run the other way as fast as my chubby little legs would let me. I also assume that there is no context within which another human being might suffer genuine distress that I could find arousing.

But, moving away from the literal here, how do I make sure that the qualities in these examples that appeal to me--craziness and brokenness primarily--aren’t dictating my choices and decisions in my everyday interactions? Specifically it isn’t about the ears; the ears aren’t hot. But it is about Dolph portraying a character that is so delightfully crazy; there’s an independence in that sort of insanity I find appealing. What I worry about (and why we’re having this little conversation) is that by indulging my enjoyment of that independence I lessen my ability to recognize acceptable and unacceptable insanity in the real world.

I think, and please correct me if I’m wrong here, that the more time one engages in unacceptable fantasies the more likely it is the reality of those fantasies--painful, broken, destructive realities--will be accepted as appropriate relationship material. But, and this does point to at least some remnants of mental stability left in this crooked brain of mine, my sheer disgust of the character in Desert Heat demonstrates that it isn’t about looks. If it were a purely physical thing it wouldn’t matter what character JCVD played, I would accept it whole cloth every time. We know from our project that it matters very much which character JCVD plays; he is significantly more attractive in Nowhere to Run than Desert Heat. Hell, he’s more attractive in Hard Target than Desert Heat--though again, mullets are not an easy thing to get over.

Looks can’t be discounted, however; I find the Joker fascinating, but have no sexual attraction to him. It could be argued, therefore, that I find Dolph Lundgren attractive but have no sexual attraction for his character in Universal Soldier. That would be significantly unique for me as it almost always the characters I enjoy, not the actors (despite this little project) but if it were the man and not the character in the case of Universal Soldier at least I wouldn’t have to feel so bad about my libido. And it is also possible that were I in a more discerning state of mind while watching all of these movies I would be able to distinguish between appreciation and attraction; I appreciate the beauty of the actor versus the lack of attraction for the character.

Whatever the case, and the truth might be far more disturbing than has even been glossed on here, I bring this up because I worry sometimes that our joking attention to JCVD’s hotness could be confused with a serious equating of beauty and worth. I don’t think anyone needs me to point out that we value physical beauty primarily in our society, but as I consider the moments in my life where I allow physical beauty to over rule good sense it creates a dialogue in my head where I start to question why I am attracted to the things I am. And I would argue this is an important questioning to engage in.

If one is attracted to independence and unpredictability that’s not a bad thing--unless said independence and unpredictability take the form of a crazy man wearing a necklace of ears. Then you have to ask yourself the question, what is it about independence and unpredictability that really attracts me?

If one is attracted to vulnerability and mental anguish that’s slightly sketchy in general--what is it about a man whose emotionally broken and unable to engage in a healthy, stable relationship that myself (and millions of other women) find appealing in theory? If there is a legitimate possibility he will kill you while you sleep (Phantom from Phantom of the Opera) or leave you and never come back (rogue ninja) or will never be able to function in society without you (Luc from Universal Soldier) then there is a serious problem there. None of those things should be sexy.

And yet they are. But only in fantasy. In reality they are scary, destructive, and suffocating. At least that’s what I tell myself every day.

Seriously, though, I think it is as important to know why you are attracted to the things you are as it is not to feed the fantasies that might encourage dehumanizing others. It’s not fair to yourself or others to create inhuman or unhealthy expectations of someone and might lead to an unintentional, but still destructive, objectification of them.

I’m not gonna lie--it’s a serious pain in my ass to be an ethical, moral individual. Self awareness is so overrated.

Nowhere to Run

“Au Revoir, Fucker!”

Finally a catchphrase worthy of JCVD himself.

Overall VD Rating: 7

We were both pleasantly surprised by the sneaky awesomeness of this movie. There was sexy time, there was Rosanna Arquette, there were kids (one of whom was a Culkin!) and there was JCVD who runs into burning building buildings, saves babies, is a convict, a lawyer, and knows how to operate construction equipment. People should be warned before watching this film.

JCVD Exposure: 9

In chronological order we give you:

Scene 1: Bathing in the lake with no clothes on
Scene 2: Taking a shower with no clothes on
Scene 3: Best sexy time EVER--again with no clothes on
Scene 4: Wet fighting scene...unfortunately, with clothes on.

Honorable mention: Riding a motorcycle across the top of a gosh darned mountain. Seriously.

The emotive opportunities were also carefully mined, as a (literally) heartbreaking goodbye scene between JCVD and the kids almost made Jess cry; it could have been her consumption, but we’ll blame it on the movie. Also, while JCVD plays a convict (again) he is neither bestial, monstrous, or sending girls to Cleveland after one night spent together. This was the sort of convict with a heart of gold that we have been suffering through all of these prison movies for. It was a long time comin’ but much appreciated now that it’s here.

We can neither confirm nor deny the possibility of the DVD having been rewound and paused directly leading up to sexy time...and then rewound while paused. She was sponging him down--what are we supposed to do?

It’s also possible that every time JCVD gets chained up and beat Jess has an inappropriate reaction. What’s worse, this or the ears? Oh the things JCVD teaches us about ourselves.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5

It was good, but it wasn’t exceptional. At no point were we bored, but we can’t possibly put it in the category of Bloodsport or anything like that. He does take a guy out by leaping through a car--that was cool. Other than that most of the action was his heroics; the end fight scene was good, but nothing superior to, say, Roadhouse.

JCVD Fighting Lesson: When throwing someone out a window, it is best to avoid going out with them.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7

Let’s start with Rosanna Arquette. First off, there’s a full frontal, and it isn’t even sexy time yet. The carpet does not match the curtains. However, she is certainly one of the top three heroines we have seen thus far. She’s strong, independent, and capable without whining, sniveling, or running into gun fights without a gun. We loved that about her. She also promised to wait for JCVD as long as it took; that’s the sort of loyalty we’re looking for in our JCVD women. (Please don’t psychoanalyze us.)

Then there was Keirnan Culkin. He’s a Culkin! Despite not being his older brother, there still managed to be a Home Alone moment in this movie. When a Culkin lures a bad guy into a trap, “Come get me you big, fat jerk!” we can’t help but compare the two. He and his sister were some of the best child actors we’ve seen so far, and that was really, honestly, a tremendously appreciated surprise.

Epilogue:

We write this scene in protest of this movie’s ambiguously tragic ending. Jess will have a coronary without it.

Lights Up: Scene Clydie’s Farm. It’s sunrise, summer. Clydie is up in the kitchen making breakfast for the kids.

Flash Across Screen: 3 Years Later

Clydie looks up as a motorcycle roars in the distance. She always looks up, even though she knows it can’t be him. She sets the bowl with the whipped eggs on the table as it becomes apparent the motorcycle is coming to her farm. The kids run downstairs, awakened by the noise.

The northern California fog parts as a figure, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses appears on the motorcycle. He roars to a stop in front of the house and all three, both kids and Clydie, run off the porch to greet him.

Mookie: Sam!

Sam scoops both kids up in his arms and hugs them in greeting before setting them back down and tentatively meeting Clydie’s tearful gaze.

Long pause.

Sam: I said I’d come back.
Clydie: I waited.

They embrace and kiss passionately.

Fade Out.

Take that movie!

We dedicate this post to Zoltan Elek. The man responsible for the make-up on this film. We love you Zoltan.

Legionnaire

This movie is better if watched closely. It’s a war movie--who knew?

Overall VD Rating: 7

To sum up, Kate captured this movie beautifully as she exclaimed at the end: “Oh no! I’m moved!”

JCVD Exposure: 9

JCVD’s exposure is based solely on his acting in this film. Well, and a couple of times when he takes his shirt off. It’s hot in the desert after all. Seriously, though, he plays a courageous man, who struggles with the concept of honor and demonstrates an early set of acting chops that find fruition in his later movies. While he never sheds real tears, he does get teary-eyed at several points in the film as he remembers his love Katrina, his friend who dies in his arms, and the friends amongst the Legionnaires that he watches die. This is the kind of subtly good acting of JCVD as seen in Wake of Death.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 3

It’s a war movie! Except for a few boxing scenes the only real “fighting” that happens is with guns and bombs. The director doesn’t even attempt to convince the audience that JCVD is a boxer who can magically roundhouse kick--instead JCVD plays a character who is excellent at boxing and shooting, but not the martial arts. While we appreciated the artistic authenticity to storyline, that meant boot to face took a hit.

The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 9

Kate loves Katrina! Jess was impressed as well. For only a few scenes she captures the viewer’s hearts fairly effectively and convincingly portrays an empathetic character. This is one of the only times we have actually cared about the girl as much as JCVD cares about the girl.

As for the Legionnaires there was Guido, the love struck Italian, the angry German, Mac the stuffy Brit, and Luther the irreverent American. This movie dealt strongly in original portrayals of cultures.

Never the less, Guido, Luther, and Mac all provided significant emotional opportunities for both the viewer and the plot line. All were empathetic, surprisingly well fleshed out, and tragic in their endings. It was interesting how not two dimensional these characters were, especially when it is considered how little screen time they individually possessed. All of them grow and in turn allow JCVD’s character to grow. It was one of the best examples of supporting characters genuinely shaping and affecting the lead.

In the interest of full disclosure, we tried to watch this movie once and epically failed. We were both distracted and expecting a typical JCVD shirtless fighting fest, and quickly became confused and bored. We’re both happy we gave it a serious chance, however, as it has proven itself a surprisingly emotional, and well made film. There are things that could have been better, of course, but overall we think this is probably an underrated film.

FYI--the music is superb. By far the best music in a JCVD film thus far.

JCVD Life Lesson #5: JCVD vs. Twilight

I have a quandary; when asked which do I love more, JCVD or Twilight, I found I couldn’t answer quickly or easily. I think the problem lies in the fact that JCVD has never been either a werewolf or a vampire and that makes it difficult to compare the two. To deal with this quandary I propose the following: I will ascertain which supernatural JCVD would be, and I will then conclude which “team” I am on. Let’s investigate.

Supernatural Type:
JCVD is a brute force sort of guy--the points towards werewolf I think. However, he cries a lot and seems to possess significant tenderness which would point towards vampire. After watching In Hell, however, JCVD certainly seems to fighting “the beast within.”
Conclusion: Werewolf

Everlasting Love and Happiness:
Now, with all of that being said, would a girl rather date JCVD or Edward? The marriage question is moot, as you die no matter which one you’re with. But, following your “death” with Edward you do attain a version of immortality versus JCVD where, at most, you come back to life following some slightly sketchy time travel physics.
Winner: Edward

Werewolves:
In the camp of werewolves JCVD comes up against Jacob. This one really isn’t fair. JCVD is a full grown man who is not only gorgeous, but excels at both boot to face and the splits. All Jacob has going for him is severe angst and extreme musculature.
Winner: JCVD

Angsty Possibilities:
Edward loves you, but refuses to be with you. JCVD loves you, but is near death, recovering from death, causing death, or signing your death warrant a.k.a. the marriage license. Both are tortured--Edward because he thinks he’s lost his soul and JCVD because his wife/brother/child/mentor/friend has recently died, and neither is ready to commit to eternity either for personal reasons (robbing you of your soul) or vengeful ones (justice must be found before sexy time can happen). In both relationships your life will be in danger, either from other supernatural creatures or drug lords. And while Edward has a good fifty years of brooding on dear JCVD, JCVD cries more--usually while drinking.
Winner: Tie

Conclusion:
I think it has to come down to how long you want your love to last, and, more importantly, if you want marriage to be a part of it. If wedding bells make up your vision you might want to stick with Edward, you’ll never see your family again, but at least you’ll be alive--sort of. But if you want to be loved like no woman has ever been loved and have sexy time instead of enforced chastity there’s really only one way to go: JCVD. And, probably if you never technically got married you could live a long happy life together.

We should begin a petition for a JCVD movie where he is a werewolf. Why has no one thought of this idea?!

Maximum Risk

“You’ve gotten a lot harder since you went away.”

Overall VD Rating: 7

Directed by Ringo Lam, the notorious director of In Hell, this movie was surprising in it’s ability to not suck. There was literal boot to face; there was a towel fight between titans of Greek Adonis proportions, and there was Natasha Henstridge looking painfully beautiful. Though, even when she’s not trying to eat men alive she still has an oddly disturbing predatory look about her.

JCVD Exposure: 7

The movie starts with him running; it’s really an excellent way to begin things. Furthermore, at one point he is wet, naked, and fighting. That’s a trifecta of hotness right there. Also, the excellent decision to make him French instead of from Louisiana allowed for his acting skills to shine; he wasn’t expected to be a cocky American, which JCVD has shown time and time again he simply doesn’t do well. Instead he was a quiet, understated, ass-kicking marksman from France. Totally believable. He cries in this one as well, though this time it is over his dead brother instead of his dead wife. JCVD is always crying over a dead somebody.

On the plus side there was sexy time in a bathroom while crooked FBI agents were outside the door. What we have proven here is that sex is best when your life is in danger. And with JCVD.

He is also the master of the “I’m gonna kick your ass” face. Hot.

Unfortunately there was also naked accordion playing by an old man--not hot.

JCVD Boot to Face: 7

There was, as stated above, a moment when JCVD’s boot literally met somebody’s face. We’ve never seen a more beautiful expression of JCVD’s abilities. The fighting was both well executed and entertaining. This was an action movie not a martial arts movie, but it balances itself well, making good use of JCVD’s fighting skills and things that go BOOM!

Also, there was the towel fight. JCVD meets the Russian mob and he ends up in a towel in a sweat room...cause that’s what happens when you meet the Russian mob. This paves the way, however, for a Russian muscle man who was also beautiful, to fight JCVD--each in a towel only, and each glistening with sweat. Cause they were in a sweat room. Well done Ringo, well done. We should mention the actors were placed in towel-like diapers to prevent unintentional ball shots while kicking; we felt that was a breaking of trust between the movie and the viewer.

The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7

Natasha Henstridge was stupid beautiful. We both agree she’s better with blond hair (they gave her reddish brown hair for this film) but she is, by far, the most attractive female JCVD has played opposite. She also created a believable, entertaining character that didn’t just scream and whine her way through the movie. We both said thank you. She demonstrated an independence and kinkiness that was hot, without crossing over into sketchy evilness like Lionheart or Double Impact.

The Russians were also entertaining in this movie.

JCVD lesson: Do not waste time on parlay when it comes to the Russian mob. Kick first, ask questions later.

There was also a nice change from the sax music of the late 80’s to guitar music signifying tender emotions. In some ways this is the best part about leaving the 80’s behind.

Overall this movie was a nice surprise. Well written--there were unexpected meta-theatrical moments involving the writer cab driver and the Russian mob boss reading Crime and Punishment, and well acted--JCVD is simply better when not attempting American sarcasm. It’s the John Wayne hero archetype that he cannot pull off; just let the man be a European butt kicker.

We would like to offer our apologies to the South of France and all street vendors. They were totally destroyed in the making of this movie.

In Hell

This movie cannot be rated by the VD Rating system.

In Hell leaves one shell shocked and without any notion how to proceed. There is nothing that can be labeled “fantasy” about this film; it is all unmitigated reality. To call this film dark doesn’t begin to do it justice--it’s brutal, violent, and vicious. It’s a beautiful movie. Unforgiving, well acted, and violence that is portrayed not gratuitously but realistically, however, watching this movie is in no way an enjoyable experience.

This film offers a scathing critique of power structures and abuses inherent therein. We cannot offer an exposure category because while JCVD is arguably at his best acting wise (we would even say on par with JCVD) the human body is shown as a thing of weakness and bestiality in parts. Those that refuse to wield their bodies as weapons are brutalized and those that chose to fight lose their humanity.

For the same reason we cannot offer a boot to face category because the violence is in no way glorified. Violence in this film serves as a marker of evil; it is the beastial side of people that serves no purpose but to destroy others as opposed to the typical JCVD movie where physical prowess is his identity. In this movie, him achieving peak physical perfection is the beginning of his loss of humanity. Pacifism is the only way to maintain human identity.

In fact, it is only when the prisoners stop fighting each other and the guards that their humanity is revealed and an aspect of society that most would like to ignore is revealed: triumph and power does not have to be related to destruction and debasement. Nobility does not have to come from dominance. The prisoners are at their most human when not fighting. The assumption that ultimately everything comes down to who can kill the other person is totally annihilated in this movie because the prison guards think they have assured victory when they release the crazy giant on JCVD, but they neglected to realize that even someone so insane is still human. JCVD ultimately triumphs not by physical defeat, but by human interaction.

The effect of others would be an insulting category to pursue because this movie isn’t about how others reflect on us, but instead on how we use others to lie to ourselves. By othering those we destroy we convince ourselves of our civilization instead of recognizing the horrors that we are perpetuating.

Then there was the man known only as 451. He is the avenging angel of this film, the moral center. The first introduction to his character is him writing his observations of the prison; he is the narrator of the film, a part of it but removed from it. He is also one of the most violent characters, but unlike the others his violence is committed for no reason other than his own moral code--a code that is revealed to be the viewer’s code by the end. Without this realization he is just a brutal killer, but once it becomes apparent that he murders others not for pleasure, sport, or power, but to punish and avenge those that have been destroyed the judgment that seemed to come so easily on his character is challenged. Can it ever be good to kill evil? Pacifism provides power to the powerless, but it is the violence of 451 reveals the necessity for justice and brings the evil to the surface and deals with it.

This movie is incredibly paradoxical. Violence is awful, but sometimes necessary--one could even say right. Power corrupts absolutely, but powerlessness can destroy humanity. JCVD refuses to fight, but still stands up to be hit again. This movie is about that “last inch;” our integrity, the one thing no one can take from us without our willingness to gift it. We cannot always stop the brutalization of our bodies by others, but we can chose not to be destroyed by it. The characterization of the prisoners reveals the facets of their identity in a subtle, powerful way. JCVD’s attack on a rapist reveals he is not a man to accept the abuse of others. The revelation of 451 as a young boy, reading in class and then sexually abused by his professor offers explanation for his situation and dimension to his pursuit of justice. The movie doesn’t deal in archetypes and stock characters, but instead shows that each individual is responsible for their identity and integrity.

This is not a movie about heroes, anti-heroes, or villains; this is a movie about men and how beautiful and horrible being a man can be.

At the end of it all, though, this was still a JCVD movie. Despite the horror, the disturbing images, and the commentary on humanity we were able to find relief in one small truth:

If you marry JCVD you will die.

The Quest

It’s a Bloodsport, Rocky, Kickboxer mash-up with a little 1925 Tibet thrown in for spice.

Overall VD Rating: 5

We should admit after Desert Heat our standards have changed. We’re so happy when something isn’t Desert Heat that it’s hard to tell how much our enjoyment actually stems from the movie. Also, following Streetfighter we’re happy for anything that doesn’t put us to sleep. Obviously our JCVD relationship is out of the honeymoon period.

JCVD Exposure: 6

This category suffers because even though it is set in 1925 he still fights in shorts, hiking boots, and socks. Why do the costume people do this to us?!

On the positive side, he is exceptionally ripped in this movie. And, due to the heavy emphasis on fighting, he is also sweaty. Furthermore, he is dressed once again in the page boy cap and it has been decided that when wife beaters are unavailable, JCVD should always dress like it’s 1925. We’re waiting for Prince to write a song about that.

His emotive opportunities were...shall we say schizophrenic? But, his acting was bad per say; the problem was this movie was twenty or so short films edited together to make one Greek epic. The Quest could be retitled JCVD’s Odyssey. The only real difference between Chris Dubouis (JCVD’s character) and Odysseus is that Chris has less sex. Unfortunately. Why are we consistently denied sexy time and given bad costume choices?! We don’t ask for much, just a little. Isn’t love supposed to be about compromise?

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 6

He hits people with a cane. He kicks people with a stilt. Then he learns Muay Thai. He fights while nondescriptly old before we flash back to his “prime” and watch him fight some more. Also, the fights between the other fighters were excellently executed and created a superior boot to face atmosphere. This movie is supposed to be a martial arts epic and terms of fighting it succeeds fairly well. In this case it was the plot (or lack thereof) that brought things down. If we could take half of Streetfighter and mix it in with The Quest we might have the greatest JCVD movie EVER.

The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 3

This category suffers because no one ever seems to have a significant role in the movie. Roger Moore shows up as the backstabbing, enslaving, ne’er do well British lord who saves then enslaves JCVD, like you do, and never really grows as a character.

The bad guy is Attilla from Lionheart and while we get a much better idea of his fighting abilities and significantly more fulfilling end battle between him and JCVD, it still feels like Bolo and Frank out of Bloodsport. We couldn’t even have a battle of the pectorals because it’s hard to be scared of a man who fights in a skirt/pant combination.

There were kids for a total of five minutes. JCVD took care of orphans/put them danger/made them steal--savior or exploiter? You be the judge.

The woman was a reporter again and...yeah. She was on screen approximately twenty minutes. She would have been more interesting if somebody would have killed her.

One of the other fighters was one of JCVD’s enslavers and yet when he’s killed JCVD is heartbroken again, ala Bloodsport/Kickboxer. We didn’t even know he liked the guy until he let out a patented JCVD emotive scream “NO!”

Yeah.

Other Mentionables:

Frank Dux (remember him from Bloodsport?) helped write the story alongside JCVD; that might explain why the fighting was so good and why the movie looked and felt exactly like Bloodsport. It’s possible we broke out into “Kumatai!” multiple times.

This movie was also directed by Mr. JCVD himself. He didn’t do a bad job, but he seemed to have a hard time with his camera angles and his sweeping panoramic shots were more like quick head nods. Overall, though, it could have been much, much worse. See Desert Heat or Streetfighter.

Overall, we both agreed that if we had caught this movie on TBS some Saturday afternoon we totally would have watched it and enjoyed it. Probably not tried to understand it; more, stare at the muscles as people kick the crap out each other in Tibet. Everything is cooler in Tibet.

And we learned some excellent life lessons from this film. They are, in no particular order:

1) It is an ineffectual fighting style to stand still while someone kicks you in the face
2) Stealing a large golden dragon with a blimp complete with spot light is NOT sneaky. Furthermore, you are using the only getaway vehicle which can be shot down with a crossbow. Something to anticipate when stealing things in Tibet circa 1925.
3) The nut-twist is not okay. But if he’s wearing a kilt he’s kind of asking for it.
4) Should your car ever break down in a foreign country, rest assured that there will always be elephants/camels/horses or some combination of all three just waiting for you to ride them to your destination.

We leave you with this wisdom to enrich your life.

Street Fighter

Overall VD Rating: 4

Jess is irate with this movie. Kate was falling asleep. Overall it was the sort of failure that legends are made from--even the outtakes were boring. That was the biggest problem with this film; it was boring. Not as bad as Universal Soldier: The Return or even Desert Heat it was neither awful enough to laugh at or cheesy enough to enjoy. This movie was simply boring and lame.

JCVD Exposure: 3

This was an ensemble cast and like a picture of high school reunion there was no opportunity to zoom in on any one person. JCVD was hot enough when he was on screen; he was only on screen approximately thirty out of the one hundred minutes. Emotive opportunities were nill; at one point JCVD had a death scene, but even that was curiously lame.

This is the first JCVD movie to suffer from too much plot.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 3

The last forty minutes of the movie are kind of action oriented, but not really. Only the last fifteen minutes or so really pick up. The first hour is a bit like an exercise in hypnosis. How does a video game based entirely on fighting--FIGHTING--become a movie with so much plot even Stanley Kubrick would call for edits.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 6

This category is all about Raul Julia and his CRAZY eyes. There was a surprise visit by Kylie Minogue as Cami and the actor playing Ryu was refreshingly attractive. Again, it wasn’t that any aspect was bad, but that there was simply too much and not enough of what was great. You jump back and forth between the characters so fast and so often that you find yourself hoping someone will die just to whittle the cast down.

And let’s talk about Blanca. Blanca in the video game was a animal-man who grew up in the jungles of Brazil and was green with orange hair and electrocuted people cause that’s what happens when you grow up in the jungles of Brazil. In this movie he became the Incredible Hulk circa 1976 and we were all supposed to feel really bad about his monstrousness. BORING. We want us a jungle man who learned to electrocute from the eels!

This movie just begs the question: at what point did someone say “this is a good idea”? How did this happen? It’s like a fanny pack over spandex--it never has its year.

And--you can’t say “halt” in English with slightly Thai-esque font and expect it to pass for Thai. We’re just saying.

Death Warrant

“I give you a little. You taste it. That’s how it works.”

Overall VD Rating: 6 (5 +1 for Star Trek reference/not being Desert Heat)

This movie was an oddly confusing experience. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad. After the movie was over we decided part of the problem was the lack of transitions. In honor of that, we will summarize the movie using nouns and verbs only to simulate the viewing experience. JCVD’s character is named Louis Burke (we thought we should give you more help than we had).

Burke shoot Sandman. Burke talk politician. Burke meet woman. Burke go jail. Burke fight criminals. Burke talk woman. Guards beat criminals. People steal organs. Burke mate die. Burke go solitary. Burke get beat. Woman get harassed. Burke sex Woman. Sandman enter prison. Burke get chained. Burke get wet. Burke fall. Prisoner burn. Prison break. Burke fight Sandman. Sandman burn. Burke kick Sandman. Guard die. Burke cut Sandman. Sandman land nail. Sandman die. Burke exit. Hawkins saved. Burke kiss Woman. END.

Confused? Exactly.

JCVD Exposure: 5

He’s in a prison uniform, which he wears impressively well. He gets chained in a shower, and then his shirt gets ripped in half. Kate is a little distraught by Jess’ reaction to that scene. He also gets his shirt ripped off at the end, after fighting in a wife beater for a solid ten minutes. There was acceptable hotness in this movie. The acting wasn’t bad, but it’s hard to emote without transitions. Why are you doing that? Why did you go there? What the hell is your name? It’s sort of a like an unfortunate morning after experience. We had really hot sexy time, or sexy seduction rather, but again--I met you ONCE and then I went to jail undercover and talked to you twice and now I just can’t keep my hands off you...right. It’s not that we need a lot of explanation to accept our sexy time, but does five days in prison really make a man that desperate? It was odd.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5

Again, neither good nor bad. He roundhouse kicks; he punches. He hides on the ceiling. But nothing really makes you stop and rewind. It’s what we expect from a JCVD movie, but no more.

Kind of like the Cheerios of JCVD movies.

JCVD Boot to Face Lesson: There should be a mulcher in every JCVD movie; it’s the only way to truly ensure victory.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 5

The Sandman. He’s like this films boogie man, but it’s hard to be overly scared of someone you’re only confused by. This movie sort of disproves that you are afraid of that which you don’t know. We were just flabbergasted. Who this guy? Why is he scary? Nobody knows. We have to thank the Sandman, though, because he is directly responsible for JCVD being chained in the shower and ripping off JCVD’s shirt not once, but TWICE. It almost seemed like the sole purpose of this character was to augment JCVD’s hotness. Perhaps there is something Jungian to be explored there.

The Woman--we capitalize Woman because like almost everyone else we don’t know her name. In actuality the only reason we knew anybody’s name besides the Sandman was because we put on subtitles and rewound it. She was cool, but not worth that much effort. Her character was okay; she was smart, pretty, and fairly self-sufficient. She ends up helping him a little bit, which is more than can be said for Natasha from Hard Target. However, he doesn’t know her! Again, it’s hard to get to know someone without transitions. Woman looks stricken. Woman looks tough. What can a viewer make of that?

Then there was Hawkins; Hawkins managed to be both charismatic, dangerous, and loveable. Even though everything in the movie pointed towards him being a good guy, and indeed he turned out to be a good guy, there was a moment when his allegiance was believably in question. This might be the only thing this movie does particularly well.

Review done.

Pumpkins Say We Forgive You

We didn't know how to go on after Desert Heat but as we sat down this evening to carve pumpkins in celebration of Halloween we both knew this was how we could show JCVD that we still love him.

We don't know what we're gonna do when we get to Double Team. But no relationship is perfect.

Desert Heat

“I’m afraid I’m a bad boy ma’am.” And by bad, we mean the movie.

Overall VD Rating: -.33333333333

We feel kind of weird right now, and we don’t think it’s the rum. This movie was the equivalent of bad sex. We don’t normally say this, but if you’re going to watch it, it needs to be on mute. It’s not objectification; it’s just the only way this movie is acceptable. Kate feels like sitting in a corner and crying. Jess is drunk, rocking back and forth with her cowboy hat wondering where it all went so very wrong.

JCVD Exposure: 6

The only good thing about this movie is that JCVD wears a cowboy hat. It was the hottest worn cowboy ever. Unfortunately, that’s all there was. The emotive opportunities were...grossly squandered. After watching JCVD you wouldn’t think JCVD could act this poorly. Oh but he can. What happened?!

It’s like we’ve had our first fight; we’ve been JCVDed and it wasn’t good. Neither of us thought this could happen. JCVD has always treated us more kindly, even in Universal Soldier 2. At least there he’s honorable! This JCVD character says he loves you, cheats on you with two blond strippers, ships them to Cleveland, and when you confront him he says, “It was only sex. I love you.”

We have expectations of JCVD. In teaching us to be co-dependent no more, we have operated under the assumption that there was a particular amount of trust in this relationship. We would faithfully and happily watch him, and he would deliver the goods.

When the movie began and he swaggered into town from the desert in a cowboy we thought surely this could only be a sign of good things to come. We even nominated this movie for hottest menu picture.

Here is some of the hotness promised by this movie:

JCVD has scruff. The man wears body hair as sexy as he wears everything else (and by everything we mean nothing at all).

The netflix description was as follows--Depressed loner Eddie Lomax is beaten to a pulp by some vicious bikers and left for dead in the middle of the desert. Now, Eddie’s looking for revenge as he fights to rid a small, dilapidated town of the ruthless, drug-dealing gang that holds it hostage.

Translation--JCVD overacts, barely fights, has sex with strippers for no discernable reason, the ruthless drug-dealing gang is actually the Rednecks vs. The Hillbillys who somehow find common ground in their war on JCVD.

The only sexy time we were offered was not hot. How can sexy time with JCVD be not hot you ask? When he ships you off to Cleveland the next day. When he’s having sex with you he tells your friend “you’re next.” When his sexy time seems to oddly resemble the energizer bunny on a waterbed. None of those things are worthy of JCVD sexy time.

We were denied the promise of shower scene. We were denied sexy time with the woman he miraculously falls in love with despite sharing less than 20 lines with. We were denied anything that remotely resembled believable plot development.

Oh JCVD, what have you done?

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 1

We have to give it some points because it did have a roundhouse kick. Emphasis on the singular. He sort of shoots some guns, usually into the air. He sort of fights. He sort of...yeah.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: -8

Let’s begin with the alcoholic, snake charming, crazy Christian, voyeur grandma. We suppose she’s supposed to represent Eve post fall. We’re just so confused.

Then there was Pat Morita. Mr. Miyagi! How can one go from The Karate Kid to Desert Heat? Even Happy Days to Desert Heat. Was the best way to atone for The Karate Kid 3 really Desert Heat? We think not. You’re above that Pat Morita. Wax on outta this movie.

And the villains. Imagine Romeo and Juliet in the desert with inbreeding and drugs. You begin to have an idea of what we’re dealing with here. Whoever wrote this film had anachronistic hillbilly portrayal as demonstrated through gratuitous use of cocaine. We grew up in the Midwest people; it’s all about Meth there. These cats don’t have the class or the money to be snorting as much coke as gets spilled in this movie. To push coke you need clients! Who in the dried river bed is purchasing all this coke that is apparently being squandered in town? There were no clients. Meth works because you make it yourself. There could have been a meth lab explosion! That would have been more action than anything we saw in this movie. All we can do is shake our heads as we attempt to purge the memory this awful experience from our brains.

And then there was Johnny the mystical Hispanic Native American. He’s otherworldly, Eddie’s best friend, and in the movie for a total of two scenes. And yet, you the viewer, are supposed to believe that it is Eddie’s love for Johnny that effectively drives the entire plot. This is just one more reason to watch it on mute.

And Rhonda. We had such high hopes for Rhonda. She was sassy; she worked in a diner. And it should be pointed out it wasn’t Rhonda’s fault. She couldn’t know she was ending up in Desert Heat. Someone probably said do you want to be loved by JCVD? And she said yes! Like you do. AND THEN THERE WAS NO SEXY TIME only implied sexy time which is so much worse. Especially when considered against the fact that aforementioned blond bimbos got sexy time. Why would we want to watch that sexy time instead of Rhonda sexy time?! Part of the JCVD mythos is that sexy time is a good time!

We abuse the exclamation point in this review to demonstrate the power of emotion we have for this film.

We’ve used the negative ranking to demonstrate that this movie isn’t simply a 0, 1, or 2. That would imply it was simply bad. It was so much more than bad; this movie was SPECTACTULAR in its awfulness. This movie defies understanding because someone somewhere looked at this film and thought “this is a good idea.”

We should admit that JCVD produced it, which means he was one of those people. You now understand why this is our first fight. How do you fix a relationship that includes Desert Heat? How do you begin to heal from that?

We feel violated. If you’re going to drink rum through a JCVD this is the film to do it. Take a shot every time you’re confused.

This movie has been brought to you by Saran Wrap.

Sudden Death

Overall VD Rating: 8

“Here’s the game. Here’s the rules.”

JCVD is a fireman--check.
JCVD has issues--check.
JCVD saves babies--check.
JCVD fights a penguin--check and check.
JCVD PLAY HOCKEY!--check.

JCVD Exposure: 8

The movie starts with JCVD as a fireman and you think he’s going to save a little girl, but after the roof falls in and he rolls back you get a close-up of her dead eyes staring back at him. When your movie opens with little dead girl eyes, you know you’re in for something special.

He loses his outer shirt but never his inner shirt. There is no female romantic interest. Why did this get an 8 you ask? It’s a fair question. First he’s in a fire marshal uniform the whole movie. Except for when he’s in a hockey uniform. There is nothing wrong with the wardrobe in this film. Second he loves (LOVES) his babies. He fights for his kids and the good of all humankind! Or at least all of Pittsburgh hockey fans. He is angry through most of this movie because Powers Boothe (we’ll get to him later) has his daughter. It’s a righteous anger and he wears it well. JCVD brings the thunder!

All of that is a soup of hotness that made Kate and Jess wish he would be their babies’ daddy. That’s the kind of husband you can believe in.

JCVD Boot to Face: 7

He fights a mutha-f*ing penguin. Do we really have to say anything else? I think not.

But we will.

He kills the penguin, after chopping off its eye with an industrial strength kitchen ceiling fan (original) and knocking off one hand, with a DISHWASHER. That’s right. We told you before, if you want somebody to do it right you call JCVD. No job is left unfinished; no villain is left undead. If he has to kill someone with his bone he will! That’s the kind of man he is.

And AND he’s MacGver sans mullet. Now we have a fire marshal saving people whose smart and is JCVD. And then he plays hockey and makes a save! Our heart palpitations might have been emergency room worthy. Kate was screaming, out of control. Jess had to sedate her for her own good. Sometimes JCVD is just too much.

Why did no one warn us about this movie?!

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 9

Let’s start with the kids. These were by far the best kids we’ve seen to date. The little boy was not two-dimensional; it was the first non two-dimensional child in an action movie in a long, long time. The little girl is a spitfire who makes us all cheer and wish we could breed such children with JCVD. They were a joy and provided fantastic emotive opportunities.

Then there was the ex-wife who was only in the beginning but needs to be mentioned for one reason: she’s a bitch. This matters because as she snarked at him about taking the kids to a hockey game Kate and Jess both passionately hated on her and then realization struck. JCVD robs women of all their righteous feminist anger. You don’t even know it’s happening until you simply assume that the ex-wife is a bitch and OBVIOUSLY did something wrong if she’s divorced from JCVD. It never occurred to either of us that he might have had...problems. Been difficult to live with. Would have gotten her killed (as has been proven if you marry JCVD). None of that crossed our mind. We simply hated her because she was no longer making sweet, sweet sexy-time love to JCVD.

And it was the Stanley Cup finals--what mom doesn’t let JCVD take the kids to that?!

Last but not least--Powers Boothe--oh the Power. Jess was attracted. No surprise there really. But at least he didn’t wear ears or come near ears or have any allusion to ears at all. Yes he killed massive amounts of people with nary a wink or a thought but no attraction is perfect.

These were the greatest villains we’ve yet to see! They blew up so much shit, we’re not even sure Pittsburgh still actually exists! The body count was ridiculously high, for no real discernable reason. They Zambonied dead people! Random wives who weren’t even at the hockey game died. Construction workers died. Kitchen workers died! Everybody died. Women. Children. Old people. Didn’t matter; these were equal opportunity killers.

Best Dressed Villain Nomination: Guy in a pink ruffley pirate shirt with blue shades and one cross earring. Argh baby. Argh.

It was kind of awesome. We are impressed by any well executed skill set--even if it is mass murder.

To Sum Up:

Watch this movie.

Hard Target

It’s a Jheri Curl Jubilee.

Overall VD Rating: 3 (Automatic 3 point deduction for Jheri Curl Mullet. See Timecop for mullet precedent.)

This is the film that brought John Woo over to America. The action is stupendous, but somewhere in 1993 the decision was made to have JCVD, whose hair appears to be all the same length by the by, put an entire bottle of gel into his hair thereby creating a mullet/jheri curl monstrosity. And (AND) if that’s not enough, our first introduction to Mr. Chance Boudreaux (played by the man himself) is a close up on said mullet from behind. Kate was thrown into mullet-shock by this unfortunate cinematographic choice and is still feeling a little shakey. Jess was doing okay until almost kissy-kissy time was interrupted by a rattle snake over the shoulder. NOT OKAY. You know what’s not hot when you’re about to make out with JCVD? A friggin’ rattle snake crawling up on ya. Bleh.

JCVD Exposure: 4

He had a mullet. And it was stringy. We’ve never wanted to bathe JCVD in a non-sexual way so badly in our entire existence. At times, despite the strong jaw, bulging biceps, and delightful scruff all we could think was--he needs a shower! And a haircut! We weren’t even sure we could make out with him! (Well, Jess was sure, but she wouldn’t have liked herself in the morning.)

On the plus side, however, the end battle was taken up a notch when he made the wise decision to take off his shirt and reveal the wife beater underneath. Well played JCVD. Obviously, when fighting for your life in a firey Mardi Gras hell warehouse, the only real solution to ensure victory is to fight in a wife beater.

The point should be made that JCVD is hotter in a wife beater as opposed to being a wife beater. See Double Impact.

JCVD should only ever be allowed to wear wife beaters. We’re going to petition NATO for a change in global law.

His emotive opportunity was also lacking; JCVD does strong and silent very well. He broods like a master. If there were a Yoda of brooding it would be JCVD. However, his accent and verbal cadence makes his sarcasm both ineffectual and poorly delivered. Note how little JCVD speaks during the wife beater scenes. Brilliant!

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 8

John Woo knows his action. This is the first “action” movie to take full advantage of JCVD’s martial arts skills in combination with the action. Shit is blowing up everywhere. You never knew what a delightful lighting effect flames could provide to roundhouse kicks.

Memorable Action Cliché Moments-- 1) Several slow-mo shots of JCVD running while fire burned, things exploded or general mayhem ensued in the background; 2) Jumping onto a moving train car; 3) Motorcycle jump over an explosion; 4) Roadblock in the middle of a car chase

Unexpected Action Moments-- 1) punches a snake out. No seriously, he punches the snake OUT; 2) Rides a motorcycle like a horse and jumps over oncoming vehicle all the while shooting his gun; 3) Final battle is decided through martial arts skills not gun play; 4) kicks gas can into bad guy and shoots said gas can in midair thereby blowing up gas and bad guy together; 5) shoots gun while holding it upside down (maybe not so original, but HOT)

Hard Target Existential Question: Why doesn’t JCVD wrestle an alligator? They’re in the bayou.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 6

Bad guys are always more disturbing when they are artists. If you want your audience to know in one shot just how terrifying your villain is, have him sing, play the piano, or draw. Sculpting is a little too Ghost. These villains were hosting “people hunts.” This was not simple drug running or gangster type activities but the dehumanizing of a lower class by the upper class for amusement and spectacle. Humanity took a back seat to bloodlust and the sheer evil it takes to hunt another person for sport worked strongly in the movie’s favor.

Arnold Vosloo, better known for his turn as a Mummy, is the second in command and is hereby nominated for “Hottest Lean.” He was evil. He cut off ears. Jess was attracted. For more Jess and creepy villain ear
moments please refer to Universal Soldier.

We awarded this category a 6 primarily for the villains. The female lead was more than a little weak. Damsel in Distress was all over this film like a case of the Black Plague. First she flashes hundred dollar bills in a crappy part of town...cause that makes sense. Then she gets smacked across the face and almost raped in broad daylight because she’s too shell-shocked to deliver any sort of retaliation. In all fairness she does try to hit the guy before he hits her, but it felt like JCVD was drawn to her character precisely because she was so god damned vulnerable. We hate it when that happens--we like our JCVD vulnerable and our women strong. For more mothering issues see Universal Soldier.

Natasha just doesn’t really ever do anything. She does shoot the bad guy in the crotch at the end and that won her back some points, but she rides into the flaming warehouse to “help” without weapon, fighting skills, or the ability to act under pressure. What exactly did she think she was going to do?! We didn’t know either.

The cop who was also a lady provided a nice foil for Natasha but of course the cop died. Why? Cause she wasn’t worthless. If you’re useful in a fight inevitably someone like Natasha will need saving and then you die.

The other side characters were the Veteran friend and the uncle and both brought dignity and humor respectively to the film. John Woo is not afraid to show the depths of monstrosity human nature contains nor is unwilling to demonstrate painful racism; it got a little too real for the Jheri Curl there at one moment.

Final Thoughts:

Many were excited for us to see this and labeled this film as “one of the best.” Oddly enough they were boys. Perhaps the mullet has less power over males? Or maybe Natasha’s doe-eyed damsel in distress act was appealing as opposed to irritating? Whatever the case, while Hard Target was an enjoyable film it was by no means one of the best we’ve seen so far. There weren’t even any pectoral battles for goodness sakes.

And no sexy time! And no kiss! Cause the stupid snake got in the way!

Snakes are so SO not hot.

Slithering bastards.

JCVD’s character was heavy on knight imagery though; an argument could be made there was no sexy time because it was all about the courtly love in this film. That particular trope felt as antiquated as Natasha’s worthlessness. He rides a horse with his outdated gun that shines silver (just like a sword). He is presented as an “old” warrior of honorable ways--the sort of fighter not often found anymore. He’s tough and silent (except for the bad sarcasm) and worried more about righting wrongs and fighting injustice than making money or pleasing society. John Woo is not a subtle director.

There were a lot of doves. JCVD’s mullet showed us what happens when doves cry.

Happy Birthday JCVD!

That’s right. Today is JCVD’s birthday and naturally we couldn’t let the day pass without offering a slight tribute. In honor of JCVD, then, we offer you this small song composed to show our love.

“Take Me”
(sung to the tune of “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”

Take me to see a movie,
Take me to see Van Damme.
Buy me some popcorn and candy snacks,
I don’t care if I ever get fat
Cause it’s PUNCH! KICK! ROUNDHOUSE! Then CROTCH-SHOT!
Van Damme triumphs again!
And it’s ONE! TWO! THREE times we come
We mean watch Van Damme!

It’s the sort of classy birthday salute we here at the JCVD Project pride ourselves on.

Universal Soldier

“Look for something unusual. Something hard.”

Overall VD Rating: 8

Where to start. Let’s start with the part where he gets naked. A lot.

JCVD Exposure: 10

JCVD dies in the first five minutes of this film and things weren’t looking good for exposure. It’s hard to look attractive in a body bag. Blue lips are so last year. But then the government gets a hold of him, robs his dead corpse, and for the first time in the western literary tradition, Frankenstein’s monster is JCVD. Things can only get better from there.

First he’s in a cooler without a shirt on, next to Dolph Lundgren without a shirt on. There were competing 8 packs and for the first time in our lives, we weren’t sure if we cared who won. (It’s possible the dvd was paused for the Dolph/JCVD chesticle shot. We feel it was appreciation not objectification. We swear.) Then he was hot in the desert...so he took his clothes off. Then he was still hot in the desert and fell down. Naked. One knee was in the air for a brief our breath hitched on the hope of a ball shot, but ‘twas not to be. Then he had a tracking device. So he took his clothes off.

At one point Veronica, the erstwhile reporter, even complained about how much he took his clothes--Kate and Jess had no complaints. If this movie isn’t a 10, what is?!

But it wasn’t only about all the time he took his clothes off. Or that the final fight was in the rain. Or that when he wasn’t wet from rain he was glistening with sweat. In fact, we are giving this film a 10 for exposure with NO SEXY TIME! The reason for this was because when he wasn’t taking his clothes off, he was making puppy dog eyes!

Universal Soldier life lessons:

“Oh he needs someone to take care of him!”
“You totally have mothering issues.”
“Shit. But he’s the good kind of broken!”

We never said we were mentally stable.

But the character of Luc is both endearing, strong, and emotionally broken (being raised from the dead after Vietnam will do that to you). JCVD acts the crap out of this part; he is sad-eyed, but dead inside. But trying to find his way back. Considering there was no child, no dead wife, and no crying while drinking on a couch, JCVD transmitted some seriously moving emotion in this movie. Pay special attention to the diner scene.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 7

Again, it’s an action movie, not a martial arts movie, but he plows through walls, delivers multiple jump roundhouses (and considering Dolph is 6’5” that’s even more impressive); runs down the Hoover Damn (we’ve been swimming the same lake as JCVD!); blows up an entire gas station; Dolph Lundgren goes through a windshield head first like a bullet. All in all it was more than simply enjoyable, but we are rating this one a little lower because we don’t have the intense martial arts that this category requires for a perfect score.

Universal Solider life lessons: If someone won’t stay dead, send them through the shredder. If you want something done right, call JCVD. 1-800-AWESOME

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 8

We loved the woman! Veronica is a cigarette smoking, rule breaking, sassy, intelligent, ass-kicking, caring and nurturing (told we had mothering issues) heroine. While she starts out all for herself, she finds herself unable to not help Luc and do whatever takes to help him get home (it’s the puppy dog eyes). And she totally had a Kathleen Turner voice--hot.

And then there was Dolph. Let’s be honest; Dolph is a crazy mutha-fucka. He’s a libertarian! He hates foreigners, hates deserters, can’t get over the war, and thinks everyone is out to get him. And for the first time (outside of Bolo anyway) we had a villain who was as engaging, hot, a pectoralishuous as JCVD. We refer you to the competing 8-pack scene.

However, Dolph also wore a necklace of ears around his neck.

Universal Solider life lesson:
“You thought I was kidding when I said I was attracted to inappropriate men.”
“He has a necklace of EARS around his neck!”
“When a necklace of ears doesn’t stop your attraction you know you’re in trouble.”

This movie was more revealing than anyone anticipated.

So how did Universal Solider: The Return go so very wrong?! Luc’s character is not the same, and Roland Emmerich is not directing. Say what you will about Roland, but Independence Day is a good movie! If you aren’t moved to kill some invading aliens by Bill Pullman, you don’t only not have a soul, you are actively working for the fun-sucking succubae.

Overall, one should take away from this movie a fairly basic theme: Rebellion is hot. Should you think you have died, and awake a project for the government don’t accept your fate. Find a hot, bad ass, woman (or man) to enable your escape and FIGHT THE MAN!

And by the man, we mean Dolph Lundgren.

Unless you think he’s hot even with a necklace of ears.

But that means you should really fight him.