Pumpkins Say We Forgive You

We didn't know how to go on after Desert Heat but as we sat down this evening to carve pumpkins in celebration of Halloween we both knew this was how we could show JCVD that we still love him.

We don't know what we're gonna do when we get to Double Team. But no relationship is perfect.

Desert Heat

“I’m afraid I’m a bad boy ma’am.” And by bad, we mean the movie.

Overall VD Rating: -.33333333333

We feel kind of weird right now, and we don’t think it’s the rum. This movie was the equivalent of bad sex. We don’t normally say this, but if you’re going to watch it, it needs to be on mute. It’s not objectification; it’s just the only way this movie is acceptable. Kate feels like sitting in a corner and crying. Jess is drunk, rocking back and forth with her cowboy hat wondering where it all went so very wrong.

JCVD Exposure: 6

The only good thing about this movie is that JCVD wears a cowboy hat. It was the hottest worn cowboy ever. Unfortunately, that’s all there was. The emotive opportunities were...grossly squandered. After watching JCVD you wouldn’t think JCVD could act this poorly. Oh but he can. What happened?!

It’s like we’ve had our first fight; we’ve been JCVDed and it wasn’t good. Neither of us thought this could happen. JCVD has always treated us more kindly, even in Universal Soldier 2. At least there he’s honorable! This JCVD character says he loves you, cheats on you with two blond strippers, ships them to Cleveland, and when you confront him he says, “It was only sex. I love you.”

We have expectations of JCVD. In teaching us to be co-dependent no more, we have operated under the assumption that there was a particular amount of trust in this relationship. We would faithfully and happily watch him, and he would deliver the goods.

When the movie began and he swaggered into town from the desert in a cowboy we thought surely this could only be a sign of good things to come. We even nominated this movie for hottest menu picture.

Here is some of the hotness promised by this movie:

JCVD has scruff. The man wears body hair as sexy as he wears everything else (and by everything we mean nothing at all).

The netflix description was as follows--Depressed loner Eddie Lomax is beaten to a pulp by some vicious bikers and left for dead in the middle of the desert. Now, Eddie’s looking for revenge as he fights to rid a small, dilapidated town of the ruthless, drug-dealing gang that holds it hostage.

Translation--JCVD overacts, barely fights, has sex with strippers for no discernable reason, the ruthless drug-dealing gang is actually the Rednecks vs. The Hillbillys who somehow find common ground in their war on JCVD.

The only sexy time we were offered was not hot. How can sexy time with JCVD be not hot you ask? When he ships you off to Cleveland the next day. When he’s having sex with you he tells your friend “you’re next.” When his sexy time seems to oddly resemble the energizer bunny on a waterbed. None of those things are worthy of JCVD sexy time.

We were denied the promise of shower scene. We were denied sexy time with the woman he miraculously falls in love with despite sharing less than 20 lines with. We were denied anything that remotely resembled believable plot development.

Oh JCVD, what have you done?

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 1

We have to give it some points because it did have a roundhouse kick. Emphasis on the singular. He sort of shoots some guns, usually into the air. He sort of fights. He sort of...yeah.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: -8

Let’s begin with the alcoholic, snake charming, crazy Christian, voyeur grandma. We suppose she’s supposed to represent Eve post fall. We’re just so confused.

Then there was Pat Morita. Mr. Miyagi! How can one go from The Karate Kid to Desert Heat? Even Happy Days to Desert Heat. Was the best way to atone for The Karate Kid 3 really Desert Heat? We think not. You’re above that Pat Morita. Wax on outta this movie.

And the villains. Imagine Romeo and Juliet in the desert with inbreeding and drugs. You begin to have an idea of what we’re dealing with here. Whoever wrote this film had anachronistic hillbilly portrayal as demonstrated through gratuitous use of cocaine. We grew up in the Midwest people; it’s all about Meth there. These cats don’t have the class or the money to be snorting as much coke as gets spilled in this movie. To push coke you need clients! Who in the dried river bed is purchasing all this coke that is apparently being squandered in town? There were no clients. Meth works because you make it yourself. There could have been a meth lab explosion! That would have been more action than anything we saw in this movie. All we can do is shake our heads as we attempt to purge the memory this awful experience from our brains.

And then there was Johnny the mystical Hispanic Native American. He’s otherworldly, Eddie’s best friend, and in the movie for a total of two scenes. And yet, you the viewer, are supposed to believe that it is Eddie’s love for Johnny that effectively drives the entire plot. This is just one more reason to watch it on mute.

And Rhonda. We had such high hopes for Rhonda. She was sassy; she worked in a diner. And it should be pointed out it wasn’t Rhonda’s fault. She couldn’t know she was ending up in Desert Heat. Someone probably said do you want to be loved by JCVD? And she said yes! Like you do. AND THEN THERE WAS NO SEXY TIME only implied sexy time which is so much worse. Especially when considered against the fact that aforementioned blond bimbos got sexy time. Why would we want to watch that sexy time instead of Rhonda sexy time?! Part of the JCVD mythos is that sexy time is a good time!

We abuse the exclamation point in this review to demonstrate the power of emotion we have for this film.

We’ve used the negative ranking to demonstrate that this movie isn’t simply a 0, 1, or 2. That would imply it was simply bad. It was so much more than bad; this movie was SPECTACTULAR in its awfulness. This movie defies understanding because someone somewhere looked at this film and thought “this is a good idea.”

We should admit that JCVD produced it, which means he was one of those people. You now understand why this is our first fight. How do you fix a relationship that includes Desert Heat? How do you begin to heal from that?

We feel violated. If you’re going to drink rum through a JCVD this is the film to do it. Take a shot every time you’re confused.

This movie has been brought to you by Saran Wrap.

Sudden Death

Overall VD Rating: 8

“Here’s the game. Here’s the rules.”

JCVD is a fireman--check.
JCVD has issues--check.
JCVD saves babies--check.
JCVD fights a penguin--check and check.
JCVD PLAY HOCKEY!--check.

JCVD Exposure: 8

The movie starts with JCVD as a fireman and you think he’s going to save a little girl, but after the roof falls in and he rolls back you get a close-up of her dead eyes staring back at him. When your movie opens with little dead girl eyes, you know you’re in for something special.

He loses his outer shirt but never his inner shirt. There is no female romantic interest. Why did this get an 8 you ask? It’s a fair question. First he’s in a fire marshal uniform the whole movie. Except for when he’s in a hockey uniform. There is nothing wrong with the wardrobe in this film. Second he loves (LOVES) his babies. He fights for his kids and the good of all humankind! Or at least all of Pittsburgh hockey fans. He is angry through most of this movie because Powers Boothe (we’ll get to him later) has his daughter. It’s a righteous anger and he wears it well. JCVD brings the thunder!

All of that is a soup of hotness that made Kate and Jess wish he would be their babies’ daddy. That’s the kind of husband you can believe in.

JCVD Boot to Face: 7

He fights a mutha-f*ing penguin. Do we really have to say anything else? I think not.

But we will.

He kills the penguin, after chopping off its eye with an industrial strength kitchen ceiling fan (original) and knocking off one hand, with a DISHWASHER. That’s right. We told you before, if you want somebody to do it right you call JCVD. No job is left unfinished; no villain is left undead. If he has to kill someone with his bone he will! That’s the kind of man he is.

And AND he’s MacGver sans mullet. Now we have a fire marshal saving people whose smart and is JCVD. And then he plays hockey and makes a save! Our heart palpitations might have been emergency room worthy. Kate was screaming, out of control. Jess had to sedate her for her own good. Sometimes JCVD is just too much.

Why did no one warn us about this movie?!

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 9

Let’s start with the kids. These were by far the best kids we’ve seen to date. The little boy was not two-dimensional; it was the first non two-dimensional child in an action movie in a long, long time. The little girl is a spitfire who makes us all cheer and wish we could breed such children with JCVD. They were a joy and provided fantastic emotive opportunities.

Then there was the ex-wife who was only in the beginning but needs to be mentioned for one reason: she’s a bitch. This matters because as she snarked at him about taking the kids to a hockey game Kate and Jess both passionately hated on her and then realization struck. JCVD robs women of all their righteous feminist anger. You don’t even know it’s happening until you simply assume that the ex-wife is a bitch and OBVIOUSLY did something wrong if she’s divorced from JCVD. It never occurred to either of us that he might have had...problems. Been difficult to live with. Would have gotten her killed (as has been proven if you marry JCVD). None of that crossed our mind. We simply hated her because she was no longer making sweet, sweet sexy-time love to JCVD.

And it was the Stanley Cup finals--what mom doesn’t let JCVD take the kids to that?!

Last but not least--Powers Boothe--oh the Power. Jess was attracted. No surprise there really. But at least he didn’t wear ears or come near ears or have any allusion to ears at all. Yes he killed massive amounts of people with nary a wink or a thought but no attraction is perfect.

These were the greatest villains we’ve yet to see! They blew up so much shit, we’re not even sure Pittsburgh still actually exists! The body count was ridiculously high, for no real discernable reason. They Zambonied dead people! Random wives who weren’t even at the hockey game died. Construction workers died. Kitchen workers died! Everybody died. Women. Children. Old people. Didn’t matter; these were equal opportunity killers.

Best Dressed Villain Nomination: Guy in a pink ruffley pirate shirt with blue shades and one cross earring. Argh baby. Argh.

It was kind of awesome. We are impressed by any well executed skill set--even if it is mass murder.

To Sum Up:

Watch this movie.

Hard Target

It’s a Jheri Curl Jubilee.

Overall VD Rating: 3 (Automatic 3 point deduction for Jheri Curl Mullet. See Timecop for mullet precedent.)

This is the film that brought John Woo over to America. The action is stupendous, but somewhere in 1993 the decision was made to have JCVD, whose hair appears to be all the same length by the by, put an entire bottle of gel into his hair thereby creating a mullet/jheri curl monstrosity. And (AND) if that’s not enough, our first introduction to Mr. Chance Boudreaux (played by the man himself) is a close up on said mullet from behind. Kate was thrown into mullet-shock by this unfortunate cinematographic choice and is still feeling a little shakey. Jess was doing okay until almost kissy-kissy time was interrupted by a rattle snake over the shoulder. NOT OKAY. You know what’s not hot when you’re about to make out with JCVD? A friggin’ rattle snake crawling up on ya. Bleh.

JCVD Exposure: 4

He had a mullet. And it was stringy. We’ve never wanted to bathe JCVD in a non-sexual way so badly in our entire existence. At times, despite the strong jaw, bulging biceps, and delightful scruff all we could think was--he needs a shower! And a haircut! We weren’t even sure we could make out with him! (Well, Jess was sure, but she wouldn’t have liked herself in the morning.)

On the plus side, however, the end battle was taken up a notch when he made the wise decision to take off his shirt and reveal the wife beater underneath. Well played JCVD. Obviously, when fighting for your life in a firey Mardi Gras hell warehouse, the only real solution to ensure victory is to fight in a wife beater.

The point should be made that JCVD is hotter in a wife beater as opposed to being a wife beater. See Double Impact.

JCVD should only ever be allowed to wear wife beaters. We’re going to petition NATO for a change in global law.

His emotive opportunity was also lacking; JCVD does strong and silent very well. He broods like a master. If there were a Yoda of brooding it would be JCVD. However, his accent and verbal cadence makes his sarcasm both ineffectual and poorly delivered. Note how little JCVD speaks during the wife beater scenes. Brilliant!

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 8

John Woo knows his action. This is the first “action” movie to take full advantage of JCVD’s martial arts skills in combination with the action. Shit is blowing up everywhere. You never knew what a delightful lighting effect flames could provide to roundhouse kicks.

Memorable Action Cliché Moments-- 1) Several slow-mo shots of JCVD running while fire burned, things exploded or general mayhem ensued in the background; 2) Jumping onto a moving train car; 3) Motorcycle jump over an explosion; 4) Roadblock in the middle of a car chase

Unexpected Action Moments-- 1) punches a snake out. No seriously, he punches the snake OUT; 2) Rides a motorcycle like a horse and jumps over oncoming vehicle all the while shooting his gun; 3) Final battle is decided through martial arts skills not gun play; 4) kicks gas can into bad guy and shoots said gas can in midair thereby blowing up gas and bad guy together; 5) shoots gun while holding it upside down (maybe not so original, but HOT)

Hard Target Existential Question: Why doesn’t JCVD wrestle an alligator? They’re in the bayou.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 6

Bad guys are always more disturbing when they are artists. If you want your audience to know in one shot just how terrifying your villain is, have him sing, play the piano, or draw. Sculpting is a little too Ghost. These villains were hosting “people hunts.” This was not simple drug running or gangster type activities but the dehumanizing of a lower class by the upper class for amusement and spectacle. Humanity took a back seat to bloodlust and the sheer evil it takes to hunt another person for sport worked strongly in the movie’s favor.

Arnold Vosloo, better known for his turn as a Mummy, is the second in command and is hereby nominated for “Hottest Lean.” He was evil. He cut off ears. Jess was attracted. For more Jess and creepy villain ear
moments please refer to Universal Soldier.

We awarded this category a 6 primarily for the villains. The female lead was more than a little weak. Damsel in Distress was all over this film like a case of the Black Plague. First she flashes hundred dollar bills in a crappy part of town...cause that makes sense. Then she gets smacked across the face and almost raped in broad daylight because she’s too shell-shocked to deliver any sort of retaliation. In all fairness she does try to hit the guy before he hits her, but it felt like JCVD was drawn to her character precisely because she was so god damned vulnerable. We hate it when that happens--we like our JCVD vulnerable and our women strong. For more mothering issues see Universal Soldier.

Natasha just doesn’t really ever do anything. She does shoot the bad guy in the crotch at the end and that won her back some points, but she rides into the flaming warehouse to “help” without weapon, fighting skills, or the ability to act under pressure. What exactly did she think she was going to do?! We didn’t know either.

The cop who was also a lady provided a nice foil for Natasha but of course the cop died. Why? Cause she wasn’t worthless. If you’re useful in a fight inevitably someone like Natasha will need saving and then you die.

The other side characters were the Veteran friend and the uncle and both brought dignity and humor respectively to the film. John Woo is not afraid to show the depths of monstrosity human nature contains nor is unwilling to demonstrate painful racism; it got a little too real for the Jheri Curl there at one moment.

Final Thoughts:

Many were excited for us to see this and labeled this film as “one of the best.” Oddly enough they were boys. Perhaps the mullet has less power over males? Or maybe Natasha’s doe-eyed damsel in distress act was appealing as opposed to irritating? Whatever the case, while Hard Target was an enjoyable film it was by no means one of the best we’ve seen so far. There weren’t even any pectoral battles for goodness sakes.

And no sexy time! And no kiss! Cause the stupid snake got in the way!

Snakes are so SO not hot.

Slithering bastards.

JCVD’s character was heavy on knight imagery though; an argument could be made there was no sexy time because it was all about the courtly love in this film. That particular trope felt as antiquated as Natasha’s worthlessness. He rides a horse with his outdated gun that shines silver (just like a sword). He is presented as an “old” warrior of honorable ways--the sort of fighter not often found anymore. He’s tough and silent (except for the bad sarcasm) and worried more about righting wrongs and fighting injustice than making money or pleasing society. John Woo is not a subtle director.

There were a lot of doves. JCVD’s mullet showed us what happens when doves cry.

Happy Birthday JCVD!

That’s right. Today is JCVD’s birthday and naturally we couldn’t let the day pass without offering a slight tribute. In honor of JCVD, then, we offer you this small song composed to show our love.

“Take Me”
(sung to the tune of “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”

Take me to see a movie,
Take me to see Van Damme.
Buy me some popcorn and candy snacks,
I don’t care if I ever get fat
Cause it’s PUNCH! KICK! ROUNDHOUSE! Then CROTCH-SHOT!
Van Damme triumphs again!
And it’s ONE! TWO! THREE times we come
We mean watch Van Damme!

It’s the sort of classy birthday salute we here at the JCVD Project pride ourselves on.

Universal Soldier

“Look for something unusual. Something hard.”

Overall VD Rating: 8

Where to start. Let’s start with the part where he gets naked. A lot.

JCVD Exposure: 10

JCVD dies in the first five minutes of this film and things weren’t looking good for exposure. It’s hard to look attractive in a body bag. Blue lips are so last year. But then the government gets a hold of him, robs his dead corpse, and for the first time in the western literary tradition, Frankenstein’s monster is JCVD. Things can only get better from there.

First he’s in a cooler without a shirt on, next to Dolph Lundgren without a shirt on. There were competing 8 packs and for the first time in our lives, we weren’t sure if we cared who won. (It’s possible the dvd was paused for the Dolph/JCVD chesticle shot. We feel it was appreciation not objectification. We swear.) Then he was hot in the desert...so he took his clothes off. Then he was still hot in the desert and fell down. Naked. One knee was in the air for a brief our breath hitched on the hope of a ball shot, but ‘twas not to be. Then he had a tracking device. So he took his clothes off.

At one point Veronica, the erstwhile reporter, even complained about how much he took his clothes--Kate and Jess had no complaints. If this movie isn’t a 10, what is?!

But it wasn’t only about all the time he took his clothes off. Or that the final fight was in the rain. Or that when he wasn’t wet from rain he was glistening with sweat. In fact, we are giving this film a 10 for exposure with NO SEXY TIME! The reason for this was because when he wasn’t taking his clothes off, he was making puppy dog eyes!

Universal Soldier life lessons:

“Oh he needs someone to take care of him!”
“You totally have mothering issues.”
“Shit. But he’s the good kind of broken!”

We never said we were mentally stable.

But the character of Luc is both endearing, strong, and emotionally broken (being raised from the dead after Vietnam will do that to you). JCVD acts the crap out of this part; he is sad-eyed, but dead inside. But trying to find his way back. Considering there was no child, no dead wife, and no crying while drinking on a couch, JCVD transmitted some seriously moving emotion in this movie. Pay special attention to the diner scene.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 7

Again, it’s an action movie, not a martial arts movie, but he plows through walls, delivers multiple jump roundhouses (and considering Dolph is 6’5” that’s even more impressive); runs down the Hoover Damn (we’ve been swimming the same lake as JCVD!); blows up an entire gas station; Dolph Lundgren goes through a windshield head first like a bullet. All in all it was more than simply enjoyable, but we are rating this one a little lower because we don’t have the intense martial arts that this category requires for a perfect score.

Universal Solider life lessons: If someone won’t stay dead, send them through the shredder. If you want something done right, call JCVD. 1-800-AWESOME

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 8

We loved the woman! Veronica is a cigarette smoking, rule breaking, sassy, intelligent, ass-kicking, caring and nurturing (told we had mothering issues) heroine. While she starts out all for herself, she finds herself unable to not help Luc and do whatever takes to help him get home (it’s the puppy dog eyes). And she totally had a Kathleen Turner voice--hot.

And then there was Dolph. Let’s be honest; Dolph is a crazy mutha-fucka. He’s a libertarian! He hates foreigners, hates deserters, can’t get over the war, and thinks everyone is out to get him. And for the first time (outside of Bolo anyway) we had a villain who was as engaging, hot, a pectoralishuous as JCVD. We refer you to the competing 8-pack scene.

However, Dolph also wore a necklace of ears around his neck.

Universal Solider life lesson:
“You thought I was kidding when I said I was attracted to inappropriate men.”
“He has a necklace of EARS around his neck!”
“When a necklace of ears doesn’t stop your attraction you know you’re in trouble.”

This movie was more revealing than anyone anticipated.

So how did Universal Solider: The Return go so very wrong?! Luc’s character is not the same, and Roland Emmerich is not directing. Say what you will about Roland, but Independence Day is a good movie! If you aren’t moved to kill some invading aliens by Bill Pullman, you don’t only not have a soul, you are actively working for the fun-sucking succubae.

Overall, one should take away from this movie a fairly basic theme: Rebellion is hot. Should you think you have died, and awake a project for the government don’t accept your fate. Find a hot, bad ass, woman (or man) to enable your escape and FIGHT THE MAN!

And by the man, we mean Dolph Lundgren.

Unless you think he’s hot even with a necklace of ears.

But that means you should really fight him.

JCVD Life Lesson #4: The Mind/Body Paradox

I’ve been contemplating the mind/body paradox as it relates to JCVD ever since it was first touched on in Bloodsport. This idea was fleshed out in Kickboxer, though, the philosophy gets hidden behind the sleeveless jean vest and bad drunken dancing.

The JCVD movies offer an Eastern approach to mind/body as opposed to the Western approach; the difference (explained in a very simplistic way, but simplistic is what we’re about here) is that with Eastern philosophy enlightenment is achieved only when the mind and body are one--they work in conjunction with each as necessary to the whole. The Western approach is more divisive; starting with the Ancient philosophers and exacerbated with Western religions for a very long time the body was viewed as something flawed to be beaten and controlled while the mind strove to exist separately and spiritually apart from the carnal existence.

I hate the Western approach. Always have. We won’t go into my myriad of reasons for that hate--they aren’t important here--but there does seem to be a history of examples demonstrating more contentment, peace, and wisdom amongst people who do not fight themselves, but know themselves. Even among western philosophy this idea is realized; I recently read Montaigne for the first time and I was pleasantly surprised, thrilled even, to discover his acknowledgement (in the 16th century no less) that fighting the body leads to madness as surely as ignoring the mind.

And, oddly enough, this idea, albeit in a simpler fashion, is purported in many of JCVD’s early movies. It’s a cliché at this point I acknowledge, and often in martial arts hero quest movies you will see the hero fight with himself, only to be victorious after making peace with the many facets of his personality. But while I generally hate clichés and despise admitting they carry any value some times the cliché is used brilliantly (though usually unintentionally). That is the case here I believe.

In notions of heroism, honor, and virtue we create concrete characters taking journeys in an attempt to make abstract ideals real. Self knowledge is almost always a necessity for a victorious hero; certainly the heroes most remembered gain some modicum of it by the end of their stories--Odysseus, Batman, Luke Skywalker, favorite action heroes like those played by JCVD. What isn’t so easily garnered from the text of the screen, however, is the uncomfortable and nearly impossible acceptance that these ideals will always and forever be abstract.

When faced with a decision that puts morality/ethics up against physicality there is almost never a concrete, solid force against which to weigh one’s decision. When the body is offered a vice in whatever form, be it sex, drugs, or unethical selfishness, the only restriction is the mind, and the mind can offer only these abstract ideals as deterrents. Abstract ideals are simple and wonderful to contemplate, and nothing feels so good as convincing yourself you have the strength and power to follow them without fail in any situation, but the truth is almost always less glamorous. With a perfect storm of events--alcohol, stress, familiarity, ease--more people than can or would admit make a choice they would describe as “wrong” or “unwise” under a different set of circumstances. An abstraction is only as real as it exists in your mind, whereas the body is always already physically dominant.

This is also why the hero quest can be damaging. At the end of the story we see our hero at peace with himself--mind and body--and we imagine there is a stopping point. If we train like JCVD and fight like JCVD we will conquer life; we will be heroic. The problem, however, is that you cannot conquer yourself. You can shape yourself; you can be yourself. But you can’t conquer yourself. Living up to and with whatever abstractions one decides to base her morality/ethics on is a daily struggle. Daily. Every day you wake up you have to do it all over again. You have to make the right decision again. For some things making that decision gets easier, but for many things it never does. It is always and forever as hard to do as it was the first time.

That’s fairly unpleasant when you really think about it.

But the beauty of heroes like those played by JCVD is that they can provide an aid; while abstract ideals are not always conceivable a mind can conjure a favorite hero, and for a mind that isn’t overwhelmed by the body (because it is at peace with the body instead of at war) rationality can be preserved. This rationality can allow for the slightly more concrete idea of virtue as imagined in that one particular hero to gain purchase whereas the abstract ideals might not.

It’s a fairly unpleasant realization that not everyone is a hero--they simply aren’t capable. It is a significantly more unpleasant realization when one admits she might not be a hero. If you imagine yourself capable of always maintaining those abstract ideals it is almost catastrophic to truthfully admit your failure. But I think, for the mind and body to exist successfully, admittance of the possibility of failure (assuming failure hasn’t happened) or admittance of actual failure is necessary. Furthermore, that admittance must come with an unflinching acceptance that you failed, and that if you aren’t careful--extremely careful--you will fail again.

Mind/body coexistence takes an almost super-human vigilance. I would postulate that on some level we all know that because almost all of us have failed whether we admit it or not. That’s why movies like Bloodsport and Kickboxer are so exciting; you get to watch fighting and participate in the hero quest, but regardless of your ability to relate to the physical training a person can relate to the mental training. The final victory is all the sweeter at the end because of it.

I have a secret hope deep inside where no one can see that I might someday be an old wise person (probably without the kung fu) but I try to remind myself whenever I am able to keep the abstract vision of wisdom in my mind that the Wise Ones aren’t people who have achieved something and earned a badge. They’re people as flawed as those they teach whose super power is self-awareness.

Self-awareness might be the most abstract virtue of all.

Double Impact

In the words of JCVD to the female lead with her hands down his pants: “Big surprise. Huge surprise.”

Overall VD Rating: 7

There’s so much to say with this film. A study in dichotomy (you only wish we were using that word ironically) Double Impact revolves two twins, Chad and Alex, who represent light and dark as heavy handedly as everything else in the film. Chad is the light: he wears pastels; he is cheerful; he doesn’t hit women; his name is Chad. Have you ever known a Sith lord named Chad? No, you haven’t. Alex represents the dark: he wears black; he has slicked back hair; he smokes cigars (if he smokes he pokes); he drinks excessively; he broods--oh is he a brooder (brooding can be hot); and sometimes he says “I love you” with a punch to the face (less hot). But Chad and Alex are only the start of the over represented imagery in this Batman-esque tale.

JCVD Exposure: 8

Two JCVD’s. That’s a +2 bonus off the top.

There were so many good things in this film. You have a good boy and a bad boy. You have a man that is noble and a man that broods. You have a lurid sexy time fantasy montage. You have a shirt being oh so thoughtfully ripped off by Bolo Yeung. You have people tied up and tortured with steam. Wait, that shouldn’t be hot. (We’re gonna blame that one on bad 90’s ethics.)

The one problem with the exposure was that Alex, the brooder, who was dark, passionate, and broken, also hit his girlfriend. That kind of ruined him for us. And by kinda we mean really. It’s hard to be attracted to a man that loves you so much he hits you. The feminist movement has ruined us for JCVD. Alex gets drunk and in his drunken rage fantasizes about Chad having sex with his girl, and when they return the first thing he does is punch her in the face. No amount of a Black Label whiskey makes that okay. No amount of sexy time makes that okay either, unfortunately (or fortunately). This is the problem with brooders; they’re really, really hot in their brokenness, and as a viewer you become entranced with the possibility of healing them with your vagina. But truly broken men don’t hold together with duct tape. In an oddly dark and real moment, Alex is revealed to be not so much a fantasy, as an all too real broken man. We didn’t expect unpleasant truth out of Double Impact. It was appreciated, however.

After our shock we both liked that the movie wasn’t afraid to go there. It’s always the glorified broken man and Alex was not a glorified broken man; this added a darkness and depth to this typical 90’s action flick that provided significantly more mental stimulation than anticipated.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 6

This was more an action movie than a martial arts movie. There was some hot car driving, some fun gun play, and an excellent use of shipping crate to squash bad guy. There were also flammable barrels that exploded even without any incendiary device in the room. All of that was exciting, especially when combined with the Battle of the Pectorals rematch between Bolo and JCVD, but it cut back slightly on Boot to Face Action. JCVD also kicked JCVD’s ass--this relieved a problem for Kate in these movies. He is constantly the underdog in these movies so that he can come from behind to be the hero, and it is uncomfortable to watch your man get his ass kicked. But when your man is getting his ass kicked by your man, it relieves the problem.

The final battle took place on a boat, though, and that’s always fun. There was also a surprisingly well shot fight scene in the dark where Alex is attacked by Spur Man as he leaps out of the shadows and disappears again. We were excited, thrilled, and held in suspense--exactly what an action movie is supposed to do.

A lot of stuff blew up too. The ending was a little bit Ram-Damme.

Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7

The fact that Bolo Yeung was in this movie was an automatic bonus point. We love Bolo!

Frankie, the older male role model was also really enjoyable. Overall, Double Impact had some of the best supporting characters seen yet. Not to mention the fact that JCVD was his own supporting character. It was like gloriousness supported by awesomeness.

The women in the film once again represent Madonna/Whore, but the metaphor gets a little twisted as the “good girl” (GG) starts out as the whore, but quickly shows herself the Madonna. A viewer could get whiplash trying to keep track of GG’s metaphorical status. She is introduced as a vixen seducing her boyfriend and sticking her hands down his pants in the back room, but then she is quickly dressed in modest suits for the rest of the movie with light makeup and an almost innocent sexuality. At one point the “bad girl” (BG) sexually victimizes GG in the records room in some weird twisted heterosexual lesbian fantasy. BG is in black leather and GG is light pastels and neutrals. GG returns to the whore status, however, when Alex, her boyfriend, fantasizes that she is making mad passionate sexy time with Chad in a very graphic and lurid scene. The lighting was all in reds and oranges accentuating the perverse sexuality of the fantasy; there was no talking, there was no seduction, it was pure sex. Some of this can be attributed to it being Alex’s fantasy, but it creates a strange aura around GG because she is painted as both virginal and dangerously sexual by parts.

There was a man named Nigel.

Final Thoughts:

While crouching between a spandex laden woman in electric blue spandex JCVD tells her:

“Because of my big legs I can do the splits no problem” You bet you can JCVD. We know you can.