Nowhere to Run

“Au Revoir, Fucker!”

Finally a catchphrase worthy of JCVD himself.

Overall VD Rating: 7

We were both pleasantly surprised by the sneaky awesomeness of this movie. There was sexy time, there was Rosanna Arquette, there were kids (one of whom was a Culkin!) and there was JCVD who runs into burning building buildings, saves babies, is a convict, a lawyer, and knows how to operate construction equipment. People should be warned before watching this film.

JCVD Exposure: 9

In chronological order we give you:

Scene 1: Bathing in the lake with no clothes on
Scene 2: Taking a shower with no clothes on
Scene 3: Best sexy time EVER--again with no clothes on
Scene 4: Wet fighting scene...unfortunately, with clothes on.

Honorable mention: Riding a motorcycle across the top of a gosh darned mountain. Seriously.

The emotive opportunities were also carefully mined, as a (literally) heartbreaking goodbye scene between JCVD and the kids almost made Jess cry; it could have been her consumption, but we’ll blame it on the movie. Also, while JCVD plays a convict (again) he is neither bestial, monstrous, or sending girls to Cleveland after one night spent together. This was the sort of convict with a heart of gold that we have been suffering through all of these prison movies for. It was a long time comin’ but much appreciated now that it’s here.

We can neither confirm nor deny the possibility of the DVD having been rewound and paused directly leading up to sexy time...and then rewound while paused. She was sponging him down--what are we supposed to do?

It’s also possible that every time JCVD gets chained up and beat Jess has an inappropriate reaction. What’s worse, this or the ears? Oh the things JCVD teaches us about ourselves.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5

It was good, but it wasn’t exceptional. At no point were we bored, but we can’t possibly put it in the category of Bloodsport or anything like that. He does take a guy out by leaping through a car--that was cool. Other than that most of the action was his heroics; the end fight scene was good, but nothing superior to, say, Roadhouse.

JCVD Fighting Lesson: When throwing someone out a window, it is best to avoid going out with them.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7

Let’s start with Rosanna Arquette. First off, there’s a full frontal, and it isn’t even sexy time yet. The carpet does not match the curtains. However, she is certainly one of the top three heroines we have seen thus far. She’s strong, independent, and capable without whining, sniveling, or running into gun fights without a gun. We loved that about her. She also promised to wait for JCVD as long as it took; that’s the sort of loyalty we’re looking for in our JCVD women. (Please don’t psychoanalyze us.)

Then there was Keirnan Culkin. He’s a Culkin! Despite not being his older brother, there still managed to be a Home Alone moment in this movie. When a Culkin lures a bad guy into a trap, “Come get me you big, fat jerk!” we can’t help but compare the two. He and his sister were some of the best child actors we’ve seen so far, and that was really, honestly, a tremendously appreciated surprise.

Epilogue:

We write this scene in protest of this movie’s ambiguously tragic ending. Jess will have a coronary without it.

Lights Up: Scene Clydie’s Farm. It’s sunrise, summer. Clydie is up in the kitchen making breakfast for the kids.

Flash Across Screen: 3 Years Later

Clydie looks up as a motorcycle roars in the distance. She always looks up, even though she knows it can’t be him. She sets the bowl with the whipped eggs on the table as it becomes apparent the motorcycle is coming to her farm. The kids run downstairs, awakened by the noise.

The northern California fog parts as a figure, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses appears on the motorcycle. He roars to a stop in front of the house and all three, both kids and Clydie, run off the porch to greet him.

Mookie: Sam!

Sam scoops both kids up in his arms and hugs them in greeting before setting them back down and tentatively meeting Clydie’s tearful gaze.

Long pause.

Sam: I said I’d come back.
Clydie: I waited.

They embrace and kiss passionately.

Fade Out.

Take that movie!

We dedicate this post to Zoltan Elek. The man responsible for the make-up on this film. We love you Zoltan.