Sudden Death

Overall VD Rating: 8

“Here’s the game. Here’s the rules.”

JCVD is a fireman--check.
JCVD has issues--check.
JCVD saves babies--check.
JCVD fights a penguin--check and check.
JCVD PLAY HOCKEY!--check.

JCVD Exposure: 8

The movie starts with JCVD as a fireman and you think he’s going to save a little girl, but after the roof falls in and he rolls back you get a close-up of her dead eyes staring back at him. When your movie opens with little dead girl eyes, you know you’re in for something special.

He loses his outer shirt but never his inner shirt. There is no female romantic interest. Why did this get an 8 you ask? It’s a fair question. First he’s in a fire marshal uniform the whole movie. Except for when he’s in a hockey uniform. There is nothing wrong with the wardrobe in this film. Second he loves (LOVES) his babies. He fights for his kids and the good of all humankind! Or at least all of Pittsburgh hockey fans. He is angry through most of this movie because Powers Boothe (we’ll get to him later) has his daughter. It’s a righteous anger and he wears it well. JCVD brings the thunder!

All of that is a soup of hotness that made Kate and Jess wish he would be their babies’ daddy. That’s the kind of husband you can believe in.

JCVD Boot to Face: 7

He fights a mutha-f*ing penguin. Do we really have to say anything else? I think not.

But we will.

He kills the penguin, after chopping off its eye with an industrial strength kitchen ceiling fan (original) and knocking off one hand, with a DISHWASHER. That’s right. We told you before, if you want somebody to do it right you call JCVD. No job is left unfinished; no villain is left undead. If he has to kill someone with his bone he will! That’s the kind of man he is.

And AND he’s MacGver sans mullet. Now we have a fire marshal saving people whose smart and is JCVD. And then he plays hockey and makes a save! Our heart palpitations might have been emergency room worthy. Kate was screaming, out of control. Jess had to sedate her for her own good. Sometimes JCVD is just too much.

Why did no one warn us about this movie?!

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 9

Let’s start with the kids. These were by far the best kids we’ve seen to date. The little boy was not two-dimensional; it was the first non two-dimensional child in an action movie in a long, long time. The little girl is a spitfire who makes us all cheer and wish we could breed such children with JCVD. They were a joy and provided fantastic emotive opportunities.

Then there was the ex-wife who was only in the beginning but needs to be mentioned for one reason: she’s a bitch. This matters because as she snarked at him about taking the kids to a hockey game Kate and Jess both passionately hated on her and then realization struck. JCVD robs women of all their righteous feminist anger. You don’t even know it’s happening until you simply assume that the ex-wife is a bitch and OBVIOUSLY did something wrong if she’s divorced from JCVD. It never occurred to either of us that he might have had...problems. Been difficult to live with. Would have gotten her killed (as has been proven if you marry JCVD). None of that crossed our mind. We simply hated her because she was no longer making sweet, sweet sexy-time love to JCVD.

And it was the Stanley Cup finals--what mom doesn’t let JCVD take the kids to that?!

Last but not least--Powers Boothe--oh the Power. Jess was attracted. No surprise there really. But at least he didn’t wear ears or come near ears or have any allusion to ears at all. Yes he killed massive amounts of people with nary a wink or a thought but no attraction is perfect.

These were the greatest villains we’ve yet to see! They blew up so much shit, we’re not even sure Pittsburgh still actually exists! The body count was ridiculously high, for no real discernable reason. They Zambonied dead people! Random wives who weren’t even at the hockey game died. Construction workers died. Kitchen workers died! Everybody died. Women. Children. Old people. Didn’t matter; these were equal opportunity killers.

Best Dressed Villain Nomination: Guy in a pink ruffley pirate shirt with blue shades and one cross earring. Argh baby. Argh.

It was kind of awesome. We are impressed by any well executed skill set--even if it is mass murder.

To Sum Up:

Watch this movie.