Universal Soldier

“Look for something unusual. Something hard.”

Overall VD Rating: 8

Where to start. Let’s start with the part where he gets naked. A lot.

JCVD Exposure: 10

JCVD dies in the first five minutes of this film and things weren’t looking good for exposure. It’s hard to look attractive in a body bag. Blue lips are so last year. But then the government gets a hold of him, robs his dead corpse, and for the first time in the western literary tradition, Frankenstein’s monster is JCVD. Things can only get better from there.

First he’s in a cooler without a shirt on, next to Dolph Lundgren without a shirt on. There were competing 8 packs and for the first time in our lives, we weren’t sure if we cared who won. (It’s possible the dvd was paused for the Dolph/JCVD chesticle shot. We feel it was appreciation not objectification. We swear.) Then he was hot in the desert...so he took his clothes off. Then he was still hot in the desert and fell down. Naked. One knee was in the air for a brief our breath hitched on the hope of a ball shot, but ‘twas not to be. Then he had a tracking device. So he took his clothes off.

At one point Veronica, the erstwhile reporter, even complained about how much he took his clothes--Kate and Jess had no complaints. If this movie isn’t a 10, what is?!

But it wasn’t only about all the time he took his clothes off. Or that the final fight was in the rain. Or that when he wasn’t wet from rain he was glistening with sweat. In fact, we are giving this film a 10 for exposure with NO SEXY TIME! The reason for this was because when he wasn’t taking his clothes off, he was making puppy dog eyes!

Universal Soldier life lessons:

“Oh he needs someone to take care of him!”
“You totally have mothering issues.”
“Shit. But he’s the good kind of broken!”

We never said we were mentally stable.

But the character of Luc is both endearing, strong, and emotionally broken (being raised from the dead after Vietnam will do that to you). JCVD acts the crap out of this part; he is sad-eyed, but dead inside. But trying to find his way back. Considering there was no child, no dead wife, and no crying while drinking on a couch, JCVD transmitted some seriously moving emotion in this movie. Pay special attention to the diner scene.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 7

Again, it’s an action movie, not a martial arts movie, but he plows through walls, delivers multiple jump roundhouses (and considering Dolph is 6’5” that’s even more impressive); runs down the Hoover Damn (we’ve been swimming the same lake as JCVD!); blows up an entire gas station; Dolph Lundgren goes through a windshield head first like a bullet. All in all it was more than simply enjoyable, but we are rating this one a little lower because we don’t have the intense martial arts that this category requires for a perfect score.

Universal Solider life lessons: If someone won’t stay dead, send them through the shredder. If you want something done right, call JCVD. 1-800-AWESOME

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 8

We loved the woman! Veronica is a cigarette smoking, rule breaking, sassy, intelligent, ass-kicking, caring and nurturing (told we had mothering issues) heroine. While she starts out all for herself, she finds herself unable to not help Luc and do whatever takes to help him get home (it’s the puppy dog eyes). And she totally had a Kathleen Turner voice--hot.

And then there was Dolph. Let’s be honest; Dolph is a crazy mutha-fucka. He’s a libertarian! He hates foreigners, hates deserters, can’t get over the war, and thinks everyone is out to get him. And for the first time (outside of Bolo anyway) we had a villain who was as engaging, hot, a pectoralishuous as JCVD. We refer you to the competing 8-pack scene.

However, Dolph also wore a necklace of ears around his neck.

Universal Solider life lesson:
“You thought I was kidding when I said I was attracted to inappropriate men.”
“He has a necklace of EARS around his neck!”
“When a necklace of ears doesn’t stop your attraction you know you’re in trouble.”

This movie was more revealing than anyone anticipated.

So how did Universal Solider: The Return go so very wrong?! Luc’s character is not the same, and Roland Emmerich is not directing. Say what you will about Roland, but Independence Day is a good movie! If you aren’t moved to kill some invading aliens by Bill Pullman, you don’t only not have a soul, you are actively working for the fun-sucking succubae.

Overall, one should take away from this movie a fairly basic theme: Rebellion is hot. Should you think you have died, and awake a project for the government don’t accept your fate. Find a hot, bad ass, woman (or man) to enable your escape and FIGHT THE MAN!

And by the man, we mean Dolph Lundgren.

Unless you think he’s hot even with a necklace of ears.

But that means you should really fight him.