Death Warrant

“I give you a little. You taste it. That’s how it works.”

Overall VD Rating: 6 (5 +1 for Star Trek reference/not being Desert Heat)

This movie was an oddly confusing experience. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad. After the movie was over we decided part of the problem was the lack of transitions. In honor of that, we will summarize the movie using nouns and verbs only to simulate the viewing experience. JCVD’s character is named Louis Burke (we thought we should give you more help than we had).

Burke shoot Sandman. Burke talk politician. Burke meet woman. Burke go jail. Burke fight criminals. Burke talk woman. Guards beat criminals. People steal organs. Burke mate die. Burke go solitary. Burke get beat. Woman get harassed. Burke sex Woman. Sandman enter prison. Burke get chained. Burke get wet. Burke fall. Prisoner burn. Prison break. Burke fight Sandman. Sandman burn. Burke kick Sandman. Guard die. Burke cut Sandman. Sandman land nail. Sandman die. Burke exit. Hawkins saved. Burke kiss Woman. END.

Confused? Exactly.

JCVD Exposure: 5

He’s in a prison uniform, which he wears impressively well. He gets chained in a shower, and then his shirt gets ripped in half. Kate is a little distraught by Jess’ reaction to that scene. He also gets his shirt ripped off at the end, after fighting in a wife beater for a solid ten minutes. There was acceptable hotness in this movie. The acting wasn’t bad, but it’s hard to emote without transitions. Why are you doing that? Why did you go there? What the hell is your name? It’s sort of a like an unfortunate morning after experience. We had really hot sexy time, or sexy seduction rather, but again--I met you ONCE and then I went to jail undercover and talked to you twice and now I just can’t keep my hands off you...right. It’s not that we need a lot of explanation to accept our sexy time, but does five days in prison really make a man that desperate? It was odd.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5

Again, neither good nor bad. He roundhouse kicks; he punches. He hides on the ceiling. But nothing really makes you stop and rewind. It’s what we expect from a JCVD movie, but no more.

Kind of like the Cheerios of JCVD movies.

JCVD Boot to Face Lesson: There should be a mulcher in every JCVD movie; it’s the only way to truly ensure victory.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 5

The Sandman. He’s like this films boogie man, but it’s hard to be overly scared of someone you’re only confused by. This movie sort of disproves that you are afraid of that which you don’t know. We were just flabbergasted. Who this guy? Why is he scary? Nobody knows. We have to thank the Sandman, though, because he is directly responsible for JCVD being chained in the shower and ripping off JCVD’s shirt not once, but TWICE. It almost seemed like the sole purpose of this character was to augment JCVD’s hotness. Perhaps there is something Jungian to be explored there.

The Woman--we capitalize Woman because like almost everyone else we don’t know her name. In actuality the only reason we knew anybody’s name besides the Sandman was because we put on subtitles and rewound it. She was cool, but not worth that much effort. Her character was okay; she was smart, pretty, and fairly self-sufficient. She ends up helping him a little bit, which is more than can be said for Natasha from Hard Target. However, he doesn’t know her! Again, it’s hard to get to know someone without transitions. Woman looks stricken. Woman looks tough. What can a viewer make of that?

Then there was Hawkins; Hawkins managed to be both charismatic, dangerous, and loveable. Even though everything in the movie pointed towards him being a good guy, and indeed he turned out to be a good guy, there was a moment when his allegiance was believably in question. This might be the only thing this movie does particularly well.

Review done.