JCVD Life Lesson #5: JCVD vs. Twilight

I have a quandary; when asked which do I love more, JCVD or Twilight, I found I couldn’t answer quickly or easily. I think the problem lies in the fact that JCVD has never been either a werewolf or a vampire and that makes it difficult to compare the two. To deal with this quandary I propose the following: I will ascertain which supernatural JCVD would be, and I will then conclude which “team” I am on. Let’s investigate.

Supernatural Type:
JCVD is a brute force sort of guy--the points towards werewolf I think. However, he cries a lot and seems to possess significant tenderness which would point towards vampire. After watching In Hell, however, JCVD certainly seems to fighting “the beast within.”
Conclusion: Werewolf

Everlasting Love and Happiness:
Now, with all of that being said, would a girl rather date JCVD or Edward? The marriage question is moot, as you die no matter which one you’re with. But, following your “death” with Edward you do attain a version of immortality versus JCVD where, at most, you come back to life following some slightly sketchy time travel physics.
Winner: Edward

Werewolves:
In the camp of werewolves JCVD comes up against Jacob. This one really isn’t fair. JCVD is a full grown man who is not only gorgeous, but excels at both boot to face and the splits. All Jacob has going for him is severe angst and extreme musculature.
Winner: JCVD

Angsty Possibilities:
Edward loves you, but refuses to be with you. JCVD loves you, but is near death, recovering from death, causing death, or signing your death warrant a.k.a. the marriage license. Both are tortured--Edward because he thinks he’s lost his soul and JCVD because his wife/brother/child/mentor/friend has recently died, and neither is ready to commit to eternity either for personal reasons (robbing you of your soul) or vengeful ones (justice must be found before sexy time can happen). In both relationships your life will be in danger, either from other supernatural creatures or drug lords. And while Edward has a good fifty years of brooding on dear JCVD, JCVD cries more--usually while drinking.
Winner: Tie

Conclusion:
I think it has to come down to how long you want your love to last, and, more importantly, if you want marriage to be a part of it. If wedding bells make up your vision you might want to stick with Edward, you’ll never see your family again, but at least you’ll be alive--sort of. But if you want to be loved like no woman has ever been loved and have sexy time instead of enforced chastity there’s really only one way to go: JCVD. And, probably if you never technically got married you could live a long happy life together.

We should begin a petition for a JCVD movie where he is a werewolf. Why has no one thought of this idea?!