Double Team

Overall VD Rating: 5

We didn’t hate it as much as we thought we would hate it. We didn’t hate Dennis Rodman as much as we thought we would hate him. He was surprisingly charming. But there were basketball metaphors. We mean, JCVD and Rodman fell out of the sky and were saved by an inflatable ball. We haven’t been disappointed by balls this much since we were sixteen.

JCVD Exposure: 7 - 1 = 6

We should explain our score here: things started out well. JCVD was shirtless in a pool (that means he was wet) and loving on his wife (WHO DIDN’T DIE!) and then shirtless in bandages and shirtless while training and shirtless while doing pull-ups…and then it was like the director said “okay, no more shirtless.” This had the effect of a striptease where he puts his clothes back on for the final “show.”

Mickey Rourke (Mickey Rourke was in this movie; do we think he used this experience to fuel his oscar worthy Wrestler performance?) was thoughtful enough to take his shirt off for the end. And we said thank you. But as wonderful as Mickey Rourke and his 9 ½ week abs were, the villain should not be shirtless when the hero is wearing multiple layers. Dennis Rodman took his shirt off too, but what did JCVD do? He ran around in a tank top and over shirt wearing Converse! Sometimes with a fur vest. That’s like two points off the top right there.

Fur vest vs. mullet? This is how dreams die.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5

There was a roundhouse kick off a counter while sliding on coke cans. There was excellent training montage where he deadlifts a bathtub full of water ala Rocky IV and flexes like the Mr. Universe panel of judges is watching. We said well done sir!

Too many guns and explosions, however. THEY BLOW UP THE COLOSSEUM. Which is apparently flammable based on the giant fireball that erupted from a few landmines.

And Kate would like to emphasize the grotesque inappropriateness of removing your thumb print with a scalpel and gluing it to an eraser. Jess was just impressed the band-aid stayed on. This was a pretty impressive band-aid: It survived swimming through the ocean, complete with underwater fight, punching through boards, being JCVD hanging off the back of a package being towed by an airplane, falling through sky and landing in a basketball parachute…this was like the duct tape of band-aids. We can’t even get a band-aid to last the day. Perhaps further proof of JCVD’s awesomeness?

This band-aid proves his god-like quality.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 4

This was not Dennis Rodman’s fault! Yes. We were shocked too. However, the plot was really bad. Like, Kickboxer bad. Kate thinks its worse and that tells you just how bad it is.

But the basketball metaphors were tremendous. There was offensive and defensive and 5 pointers and airballs and shooting and parachutes…it was just all bad. Whoever thought that was a good idea probably voted for George Bush. (Both of them.)

Dennis Rodman was good, though; he was quirky, his hair changed color every other scene (that’s not an exaggeration) and he was, overall, as much fun in the movie as he was in his basketball games.

We should probably admit we both hate basketball. That might explain our virulent reactions to the basketball references. (It’s not a real sport if you don’t hit each other.)

The wife was well played; we’re pretty excited she survived. It gives us hope for the future. She does give birth to a 30 pound baby…we bet that hurt. Why do movie producers think you can show a 4 month old and all the female viewers aren’t going to grab their crotch and say “there is no way that thing could come out of you without causing death!” No wonder there were so many scalpels hanging around during the birthing scene. Gotta cut that thing loose!

(Jess is having a seizure from the thought of this.)

Apparently in movies babies gestate for just over a year. (It makes the vag twitch in agony. That is not an appropriate response to a JCVD movie.)

We could talk more about Mickey Rourke as the bad guy, but we already told you he took his shirt off and that’s really the only important part. Iron Man 2 this was not.

We recommend this movie with a volume of adult beverages or hallucinogenic drugs. That’s really about all that’s gonna make it okay.