Hard Target

It’s a Jheri Curl Jubilee.

Overall VD Rating: 3 (Automatic 3 point deduction for Jheri Curl Mullet. See Timecop for mullet precedent.)

This is the film that brought John Woo over to America. The action is stupendous, but somewhere in 1993 the decision was made to have JCVD, whose hair appears to be all the same length by the by, put an entire bottle of gel into his hair thereby creating a mullet/jheri curl monstrosity. And (AND) if that’s not enough, our first introduction to Mr. Chance Boudreaux (played by the man himself) is a close up on said mullet from behind. Kate was thrown into mullet-shock by this unfortunate cinematographic choice and is still feeling a little shakey. Jess was doing okay until almost kissy-kissy time was interrupted by a rattle snake over the shoulder. NOT OKAY. You know what’s not hot when you’re about to make out with JCVD? A friggin’ rattle snake crawling up on ya. Bleh.

JCVD Exposure: 4

He had a mullet. And it was stringy. We’ve never wanted to bathe JCVD in a non-sexual way so badly in our entire existence. At times, despite the strong jaw, bulging biceps, and delightful scruff all we could think was--he needs a shower! And a haircut! We weren’t even sure we could make out with him! (Well, Jess was sure, but she wouldn’t have liked herself in the morning.)

On the plus side, however, the end battle was taken up a notch when he made the wise decision to take off his shirt and reveal the wife beater underneath. Well played JCVD. Obviously, when fighting for your life in a firey Mardi Gras hell warehouse, the only real solution to ensure victory is to fight in a wife beater.

The point should be made that JCVD is hotter in a wife beater as opposed to being a wife beater. See Double Impact.

JCVD should only ever be allowed to wear wife beaters. We’re going to petition NATO for a change in global law.

His emotive opportunity was also lacking; JCVD does strong and silent very well. He broods like a master. If there were a Yoda of brooding it would be JCVD. However, his accent and verbal cadence makes his sarcasm both ineffectual and poorly delivered. Note how little JCVD speaks during the wife beater scenes. Brilliant!

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 8

John Woo knows his action. This is the first “action” movie to take full advantage of JCVD’s martial arts skills in combination with the action. Shit is blowing up everywhere. You never knew what a delightful lighting effect flames could provide to roundhouse kicks.

Memorable Action Cliché Moments-- 1) Several slow-mo shots of JCVD running while fire burned, things exploded or general mayhem ensued in the background; 2) Jumping onto a moving train car; 3) Motorcycle jump over an explosion; 4) Roadblock in the middle of a car chase

Unexpected Action Moments-- 1) punches a snake out. No seriously, he punches the snake OUT; 2) Rides a motorcycle like a horse and jumps over oncoming vehicle all the while shooting his gun; 3) Final battle is decided through martial arts skills not gun play; 4) kicks gas can into bad guy and shoots said gas can in midair thereby blowing up gas and bad guy together; 5) shoots gun while holding it upside down (maybe not so original, but HOT)

Hard Target Existential Question: Why doesn’t JCVD wrestle an alligator? They’re in the bayou.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 6

Bad guys are always more disturbing when they are artists. If you want your audience to know in one shot just how terrifying your villain is, have him sing, play the piano, or draw. Sculpting is a little too Ghost. These villains were hosting “people hunts.” This was not simple drug running or gangster type activities but the dehumanizing of a lower class by the upper class for amusement and spectacle. Humanity took a back seat to bloodlust and the sheer evil it takes to hunt another person for sport worked strongly in the movie’s favor.

Arnold Vosloo, better known for his turn as a Mummy, is the second in command and is hereby nominated for “Hottest Lean.” He was evil. He cut off ears. Jess was attracted. For more Jess and creepy villain ear
moments please refer to Universal Soldier.

We awarded this category a 6 primarily for the villains. The female lead was more than a little weak. Damsel in Distress was all over this film like a case of the Black Plague. First she flashes hundred dollar bills in a crappy part of town...cause that makes sense. Then she gets smacked across the face and almost raped in broad daylight because she’s too shell-shocked to deliver any sort of retaliation. In all fairness she does try to hit the guy before he hits her, but it felt like JCVD was drawn to her character precisely because she was so god damned vulnerable. We hate it when that happens--we like our JCVD vulnerable and our women strong. For more mothering issues see Universal Soldier.

Natasha just doesn’t really ever do anything. She does shoot the bad guy in the crotch at the end and that won her back some points, but she rides into the flaming warehouse to “help” without weapon, fighting skills, or the ability to act under pressure. What exactly did she think she was going to do?! We didn’t know either.

The cop who was also a lady provided a nice foil for Natasha but of course the cop died. Why? Cause she wasn’t worthless. If you’re useful in a fight inevitably someone like Natasha will need saving and then you die.

The other side characters were the Veteran friend and the uncle and both brought dignity and humor respectively to the film. John Woo is not afraid to show the depths of monstrosity human nature contains nor is unwilling to demonstrate painful racism; it got a little too real for the Jheri Curl there at one moment.

Final Thoughts:

Many were excited for us to see this and labeled this film as “one of the best.” Oddly enough they were boys. Perhaps the mullet has less power over males? Or maybe Natasha’s doe-eyed damsel in distress act was appealing as opposed to irritating? Whatever the case, while Hard Target was an enjoyable film it was by no means one of the best we’ve seen so far. There weren’t even any pectoral battles for goodness sakes.

And no sexy time! And no kiss! Cause the stupid snake got in the way!

Snakes are so SO not hot.

Slithering bastards.

JCVD’s character was heavy on knight imagery though; an argument could be made there was no sexy time because it was all about the courtly love in this film. That particular trope felt as antiquated as Natasha’s worthlessness. He rides a horse with his outdated gun that shines silver (just like a sword). He is presented as an “old” warrior of honorable ways--the sort of fighter not often found anymore. He’s tough and silent (except for the bad sarcasm) and worried more about righting wrongs and fighting injustice than making money or pleasing society. John Woo is not a subtle director.

There were a lot of doves. JCVD’s mullet showed us what happens when doves cry.