Desert Heat

“I’m afraid I’m a bad boy ma’am.” And by bad, we mean the movie.

Overall VD Rating: -.33333333333

We feel kind of weird right now, and we don’t think it’s the rum. This movie was the equivalent of bad sex. We don’t normally say this, but if you’re going to watch it, it needs to be on mute. It’s not objectification; it’s just the only way this movie is acceptable. Kate feels like sitting in a corner and crying. Jess is drunk, rocking back and forth with her cowboy hat wondering where it all went so very wrong.

JCVD Exposure: 6

The only good thing about this movie is that JCVD wears a cowboy hat. It was the hottest worn cowboy ever. Unfortunately, that’s all there was. The emotive opportunities were...grossly squandered. After watching JCVD you wouldn’t think JCVD could act this poorly. Oh but he can. What happened?!

It’s like we’ve had our first fight; we’ve been JCVDed and it wasn’t good. Neither of us thought this could happen. JCVD has always treated us more kindly, even in Universal Soldier 2. At least there he’s honorable! This JCVD character says he loves you, cheats on you with two blond strippers, ships them to Cleveland, and when you confront him he says, “It was only sex. I love you.”

We have expectations of JCVD. In teaching us to be co-dependent no more, we have operated under the assumption that there was a particular amount of trust in this relationship. We would faithfully and happily watch him, and he would deliver the goods.

When the movie began and he swaggered into town from the desert in a cowboy we thought surely this could only be a sign of good things to come. We even nominated this movie for hottest menu picture.

Here is some of the hotness promised by this movie:

JCVD has scruff. The man wears body hair as sexy as he wears everything else (and by everything we mean nothing at all).

The netflix description was as follows--Depressed loner Eddie Lomax is beaten to a pulp by some vicious bikers and left for dead in the middle of the desert. Now, Eddie’s looking for revenge as he fights to rid a small, dilapidated town of the ruthless, drug-dealing gang that holds it hostage.

Translation--JCVD overacts, barely fights, has sex with strippers for no discernable reason, the ruthless drug-dealing gang is actually the Rednecks vs. The Hillbillys who somehow find common ground in their war on JCVD.

The only sexy time we were offered was not hot. How can sexy time with JCVD be not hot you ask? When he ships you off to Cleveland the next day. When he’s having sex with you he tells your friend “you’re next.” When his sexy time seems to oddly resemble the energizer bunny on a waterbed. None of those things are worthy of JCVD sexy time.

We were denied the promise of shower scene. We were denied sexy time with the woman he miraculously falls in love with despite sharing less than 20 lines with. We were denied anything that remotely resembled believable plot development.

Oh JCVD, what have you done?

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 1

We have to give it some points because it did have a roundhouse kick. Emphasis on the singular. He sort of shoots some guns, usually into the air. He sort of fights. He sort of...yeah.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: -8

Let’s begin with the alcoholic, snake charming, crazy Christian, voyeur grandma. We suppose she’s supposed to represent Eve post fall. We’re just so confused.

Then there was Pat Morita. Mr. Miyagi! How can one go from The Karate Kid to Desert Heat? Even Happy Days to Desert Heat. Was the best way to atone for The Karate Kid 3 really Desert Heat? We think not. You’re above that Pat Morita. Wax on outta this movie.

And the villains. Imagine Romeo and Juliet in the desert with inbreeding and drugs. You begin to have an idea of what we’re dealing with here. Whoever wrote this film had anachronistic hillbilly portrayal as demonstrated through gratuitous use of cocaine. We grew up in the Midwest people; it’s all about Meth there. These cats don’t have the class or the money to be snorting as much coke as gets spilled in this movie. To push coke you need clients! Who in the dried river bed is purchasing all this coke that is apparently being squandered in town? There were no clients. Meth works because you make it yourself. There could have been a meth lab explosion! That would have been more action than anything we saw in this movie. All we can do is shake our heads as we attempt to purge the memory this awful experience from our brains.

And then there was Johnny the mystical Hispanic Native American. He’s otherworldly, Eddie’s best friend, and in the movie for a total of two scenes. And yet, you the viewer, are supposed to believe that it is Eddie’s love for Johnny that effectively drives the entire plot. This is just one more reason to watch it on mute.

And Rhonda. We had such high hopes for Rhonda. She was sassy; she worked in a diner. And it should be pointed out it wasn’t Rhonda’s fault. She couldn’t know she was ending up in Desert Heat. Someone probably said do you want to be loved by JCVD? And she said yes! Like you do. AND THEN THERE WAS NO SEXY TIME only implied sexy time which is so much worse. Especially when considered against the fact that aforementioned blond bimbos got sexy time. Why would we want to watch that sexy time instead of Rhonda sexy time?! Part of the JCVD mythos is that sexy time is a good time!

We abuse the exclamation point in this review to demonstrate the power of emotion we have for this film.

We’ve used the negative ranking to demonstrate that this movie isn’t simply a 0, 1, or 2. That would imply it was simply bad. It was so much more than bad; this movie was SPECTACTULAR in its awfulness. This movie defies understanding because someone somewhere looked at this film and thought “this is a good idea.”

We should admit that JCVD produced it, which means he was one of those people. You now understand why this is our first fight. How do you fix a relationship that includes Desert Heat? How do you begin to heal from that?

We feel violated. If you’re going to drink rum through a JCVD this is the film to do it. Take a shot every time you’re confused.

This movie has been brought to you by Saran Wrap.