Kickboxer

Overall VD: 5

As a crowd favorite, this rating might seem low to some. However, after watching Kickboxer right on the heels of Bloodsport it became very apparent that much of the script was lifted--directly at times--from JCVD’s previous movie. The villain, Tong Po, uses sign language to say “I will crush you;” there is a training montage; he is the first westerner to complete a victory in the setting presented; he is tied to a tree doing the splits.

JCVD Exposure: 5

This rating is exactly between 0 and 10 because JCVD’s exposure left us cold, disgusted, enthused, and turned on in spades--about equally throughout. On the negative side there were double pleated pants, cowboy boots, and an open jean sleeveless vest. And that’s just one outfit. There was also a razor back tank top that zipped in the front and suspender type...sleeves? We don’t even know what to call them. Then he danced. For a ballet student we can’t say his rhythm was bad, but that’s all we can say wasn’t bad. There was gyrating. There was hip thrusting. We never thought these things could be unattractive when performed by JCVD, but somehow he found a way. There was nothing hot about that dance scene; even making allowance for his drunkenness it just came out as bad white boy dancing.

On the other hand, once the training got under way his wardrobe switched to piratey-shorts that showed off his awesome legs (he has GREAT hamstrings) and he wore few shirts. He was also sweaty and/or wet for almost every scene.

There was no sexy time, which was a disappointment, but there was magic sexy seduction in the forest that ended with a reasonably hot kiss. When the only real sexy time in the film, however, is a rape scene points must be deducted.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 7

The fighting was by far the best part of the film. There were multiple instances (mostly during training) that we rewound and watched JCVD roundhouse kick, jump kick, or generally kick ass a second time. There also a scene Kate has dubbed “poetry in motion” where JCVD roundhouse kicks in front of the trainer’s face multiple times--we weren’t able to count them because they were simply too fast and awe-inspiring.

The end fight was also stupendous; the cinematography, sketchy and cheap throughout was better executed. The lighting was more impressive and the scene set to create better pathos (tiki torches are always good). While the fight starts with rope bound hands dipped in resin and broken glass, JCVD ultimately triumphs when he removes the rope and fights as an ancient warrior would--with honor and integrity!

The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 3

Kickboxer also lifted much of the relationships from Bloodsport or, in all fairness, used stock archetypal characters and relationships, but nothing about the characters or relationships was original or well executed. Tong Po, aside from the sign language, was actually the best executed role in the film; when first introduced he is delightfully intimidating, but the rest of the film didn’t build off his villainous nature effectively. Furthermore, it was a little confusing who was the villain; there were mob bosses and henchmen, there was Tong Po, and there was never any clarity offered that explained how they all fit together into the context of the story.

And then there was the brother. While paralyzed and used to forward the story line, the brother would have ultimately been more empathetic if he had died. He was, what a cultured person might refer to as, a Douchasaurus-Rex. This was shown outwardly through his balding Geri-curl.

Adding to the brother’s issues and the rest of the film’s problems, were the badly executed gender messages. The woman is beautiful, fleshed out, and well acted, but she is also raped, chooses silence in order to protect him (SO 1989) and following the final fight and victory he greets the DOG before he greets the WOMAN HE LOVES. Nevermind that when he finds out he looks at her as if he is betrayed and gets angry at her. BECAUSE SHE GOT RAPED. Cause it was totally her fault. We know she asked for it. She shouldn’t have been selling produce in that lascivious manner.

The role of women in the film is also exacerbated by the Thai sex-kitten strippers seen throughout, the brother’s engagement in prostitution, and the brother pinching the nurse’s ass in the hospital causing the male doctor to laugh and offer a “knowing” wink. I don’t care if you are paralyzed; you better have just saved a baby to get away with behavior like that. There were also uncomfortable racial undertones; the viewer was given the impression that his behavior was acceptable a) because she was a woman and b) because she wasn’t white. Everything about the sexual plotlines seem imbued with the message “she doesn’t matter.”

There was also a token black sidekick in this movie, and while, like Joshua he was the most enjoyable and possibly the best acted, his character remained shallow and underdeveloped. Again, stock archetypal characters with little originality.

Over all Kickboxer was enjoyable for one of us and bored the other one. Kate feels it important to point out that Jess’ enjoyment was largely nostalgic (she first watched it when 16 it’s true) but it is, speaking of bad gender messages, true that this movie would be better served if watched on mute. And fast forwarding through the bad outfits and bad dancing.

We do want to offer kudos to the good silhouette training scenes; the cinematography was better than Bloodsport in those few moments, and genuine empathy was created for the character.