Lionheart

Overall VD Rating: 6

This is our first foray into “classic” JCVD, and we want it understood that the standards for this film and the others like it will be slightly varied from the more artistic films like Wake of Death and JCVD. This is what a film connoisseur would label an “Action Film” and it should be remembered that when watching such wholesome entertainment if you aren’t cheering and clapping by the end, something has gone very wrong. No part of this film will be judged for artistry. (There was A LOT of saxophone.) (And roller-skates.) (And a kilt.)

JCVD Exposure: 8

We want to take a moment and first emphasize how well JCVD cries. He is an infallible crier; he never over does it or sobs, but holds your attention on the screen with giant, wet, sad eyes, and well placed tears tracing the well defined planes of his face. It should be pointed that Kate finds him most attractive while crying.

On a more personal level, this movie includes the finest gluteus maximus caught on film pre-300. JCVD should always put on a bathrobe by first exposing his backside. It is, actually, the only way to dress. The next scene included a fabulous dressing montage ala Pretty Woman featuring splendiferous styles from 1990; the scene became iconic when, for no discernable purpose, the camera panned down offering an aerial shot of JCVD in the dressing room wearing nothing but tightie-whities. He is not a small man.

It is good, on occasion, to give thanks to the movie gods.

Good rule for these movies: anytime he’s wet the first time you see him, you know you’re in for a good time. In this movie it was sweat, but he was sweaty a lot in a tight t-shirt, swinging a hammer, driving a post into the ground that--we don’t know why it needed to be in the ground, but we were thankful it did. He’s sweaty again shortly thereafter, artfully lit by a furnace, into which he is shoveling coal--shirtless. It was the best coal shoveling ever.

This movie also had the best worn wrestling singlet...EVER. A style made only hotter when he falls in the water becoming wet. Again.

And then there’s the JCVD swagger. You might not have noticed in your previous viewings, but in almost all the films he is shown walking around wherever he is. We feel the director makes this choice because JCVD is a HOT walker. The man swaggers like a veritable badass and tempers his rough edges by speaking French sweetly to little girls and their school marms.

We had to deduct one point for no sexy time.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5

There were multiple slow motion shots of awesomeness. These included: jump knee to the back; jump roundhouse to the head (multiple); elbow to face for knockout; amazing hair flip out of water (bad guy, but it needed to be mentioned); crotch shot.

The fights were a little bit slow, however, and very obviously choreographed. It should be understood this was the technique of the time period, but the editing made the reaction times of the fighters so slow as to be unbelievable at times and greatly reduced the dramatic possibilities.

It is hard not to cry aloud when JCVD is getting the crap kicked out of him. We take these movies seriously.

The music was reasonably spectacular and 90’s fab. The saxophone led the way, its mournful tones seemed to dominate almost every scene and we both found ourselves waiting for a vampire to jump out of the alleyway and demand sexy time of JCVD. The final fight scene was intensified by good music use, though; starting with the theme in minor as Lionheart refuses to go down the theme changes back to major and the snare drum comes in sparking the march to the end and our hero valiantly destroys his opponent.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 5

We were hurting for a good villain here. The main villain was a woman we dubbed “Fish Lady” for her cold, dead eyes and little mouth opening and closing like a fish gasping out of water. We have no doubt had she been successful in her attempted seduction JCVD would have found himself at the fish market.

The sidekicks were truly spectacular. The kid was tre-awesome; she was almost so cute it hurt to watch. She was also a good actress which we’ve grown to truly appreciate in our JCVD movies. Joshua, his “manager” was the broken man whose soul is redeemed by Lionheart’s indefatigable nobility. Joshua, a down on his luck black man, appears to be nothing but an action film stereotype upon first meeting; he uses words like “jive,” eats KFC, and is pimped out in a three piece suit, but the movie allows him to blossom into a three dimensional character that wins the viewers hearts and offers an emotional sincerity to the film that was unexpected. He could be argued to be the best part of the film. If JCVD didn’t get naked.

Surprising Themes That Must Needs Be Mentioned

Madonna/Whore Complex: Villain = bad lady, over sexualized, sexually aggressive, surrounded by men. Heroine = good lady, mousy, mother, no male companion or demonstrated sexuality, old lady shoes. Probably Naturalizers. It got a bit aggrandizing at times.

Lionheart = Jesus Christ: We offer this point under protest because it isn’t a one-to-one comparison, but there are enough elements we would be remiss if we didn’t touch on it. He wanders in the desert; he forgives everyone and restores their faith and goodwill through said forgiveness. He is the redemption of Joshua (name means follower of Christ) who betrays him in the eleventh hour; he receives a wound to the side indicative of a spear wound. Following the steps of the hero quest, JCVD dies, is reborn, and redeems those around him.

Memorable Mentions: There is a man with a handlebar mustache. There are random people on roller-skates. There is a man that fights in a kilt. There is unfortunate denim wearage.

Lionheart is a hero for the ages. He’s a man of great strength and no wasted effort. There is no more physical action or spoken words than necessary. He suffers and wins in silence. These qualities mark him as noble and heroic, supported by his constant vigilance of those around him, even those he fights.

We cheered at the end of this movie. Cheered we tell you.