Universal Soldier: The Return

Overall VD Rating: 3

This movie was really friggin’ ridiculous.

JCVD Exposure: 1

Ultimately we rated this movie a 3 because his shirt never came off. Just about everyone takes their shirts off except for our main man. The bitchy love interest report, Jesse “The Body” Venture (Romeo) an entire army of Unisols (short for Universal Soldiers) and a throng of strippers all bare their chests. The verdict: too much boobage that isn’t JCVD’s. We award 1 point for the brief moment of excitement delivered when his outer shirt catches on fire and your loins hitch at the possibility of full shirt removal.

JCVD Boot to Face Contact: 5

Slow motion signature roundhouse kick; a roundhouse kick to the back of the head; evil Unisols coming down the ceiling to metal music; a roundhouse kick to the head of the evil computer turned man frozen by CO2 (not to be confused with T2 where he was frozen with liquid nitrogen).

If shit hadn’t blown up this movie would be worth nothing.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 0

All the women were like anorexic, unwashed harpies screeching across a chasm. If these women were told to “act like themselves” they would stand there, pop their gum, and ask what their motivation was. Women like this almost make me hate my vagina.

The only bright spot in this black hole of suck was Jesse “The Body” Ventura as, wait for it, Romeo. It’s been many a year since Predator, but Jesse showed he hadn’t forgotten how to fire a gun, rip his shirt off, and flex. He even bench pressed our very own JCVD. What saved him, and added what small enjoyment could be found in his catastrophe, was his obvious acknowledgment of the ludicrousness of the movie he was making. It wasn’t worth a point though.

We felt none of the supporting actors increased JCVD’s awesomeness...in fact they suffocated it. If he would have taken his shirt off we would have given it a 4. Call us shallow, but you gotta give a girl something.

Memorable Mentions: 3 Bonus Points

“Invented bio-agent neutralizing foam.” It would stop all the chemicals exploded in biological warfare. That would be handy.

“Sadaam-a-go-go”--a song listed in the credits. Classy.

These memorable mentions are included to remind you we are closely examining these movies for all possible worth and critical thought.