Bloodsport

Overall VD Rating: 7

JCVD’s first movie, the hero quest reigns supreme in this tale. There is a heavy emphasis on Eastern martial arts culture with training scenes that offer substance and weight to the final battle. Bloodsport feels more like a martial arts film than an action film and the heavy themes of mind-body-spirit working in unison support this idea of fighting as an expression of self and overcoming the self even more than the opponent. This stands out in sharp relief to other films more oriented towards action that seek to offer shiny thrills without foundation or meaning. The training montage at the beginning set up the whole movie as a tale about Frank Dux’s growth as a character instead of his success as victor. This movie is as much about winning the right way as it is about good vs. evil.

JCVD Exposure: 9

There is a lot of exposure in this film. We have yet again a well placed shot of JCVD pulling on underwear; unfortunately said dressing happens the morning after sexy time and his skills as a lover are never explicated. It appears from his good morning/good bye kiss that JCVD, at least young JCVD, is not the best kisser--that was unfortunate.

During the fight scenes he wears a full gi for most of the movie, but as the tournament progresses his shirt is thoughtfully ripped off by an opponent in his pent-ultimate fight. As he prepares to fight the championship he removes shirt and pants for as little clothing restriction as possible; we saw it as excellent exposure.

There was a lot of man cleavage in this movie. It could be retitled Battle of the Man Boobs as JCVD weighing in with a D cup fights Chong Li who sported at least a set of F’s. If you doubt us, you need only view Chong Li’s gratuitous boob flexing before and after several fights. We have to wonder if Mr. Hollywood from Mike Tyson’s Punchout didn’t owe at least a little to this movie.

Points were lost for ridiculous barbaric yawps. For almost all of the championship fight JCVD sports crazy eyes, veins bulging, while he screams to the heavens. It isn’t even real time screaming, but badly dubbed screaming where you can’t imagine the mouth on screen is producing the sounds coming out of the television. His first foray into acting showed some raw edges; he hasn’t mastered his subtle facial ticks or quiet suffering (or the English language). This made almost any scene that relied solely on the acting slightly comic and painful to watch.

When he took his shirt off we noticed less.

JCVD Boot to Face Action: 9

This movie sported the best boot to face action seen to date. The fight scenes were excellently edited and rooted in the training successfully. As a viewer you believed he would succeed because you knew how hard he had prepared; it was known that Frank Dux in the movie had mastered a set of skills that went beyond simple badassery that is used to carry less developed characters. The other fighters were also exceptional in their skill and entertainment; this was accentuated by the different styles exhibited. Everything from Jackson’s American head-butting I run over everything technique, to another competitor’s mimicking of animals. It was fairly disturbing to watch monkey man hop around the mat because he so thoroughly portrayed himself as more animal than human. This attention to small detail made the Kumate come across as a more believable tournament geared towards the world’s best fighters.

His skills were exhibited impressively in this movie. The cinematography while not exceptional throughout, showed particular continuous shots that clearly portrayed JCVD doing his own stunts; his trademark splits were used spectacularly several times. At one point while tied to two trees and trussed up like a duck in Julia Child‘s cookbook, he pulls himself out of the splits, ripping the ropes and bolts out of their anchor. He also defeats the Sumo wrestler with a combination split, crotch-shot under skirt attack.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 3

The supporting roles were less than spectacular. Mr. Lynn was our best specimen and he was a tiny Chinese man in a track suit and aviators sporting a mullet and sketchy facial hair. Jackson, not so convincingly played by Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds, seemed too over the top. His slightly dubious hygiene and less than impressive fighting skills were more a distraction than a foil for Frank Dux. The love interest was once again not hot enough, though, in all fairness her 1988 permed hair didn’t help. She was, perhaps, one of the best actresses we’ve seen, but she betrays JCVD! That’s unacceptable! Her role seems to be based almost entirely on the audience’s acceptance of her as an ambitious reporter who will do anything to get the story but doesn’t understand the larger theme of fighting and honor. She is a disposable character that betrays him to the FBI agents, and her only real purpose seemed to be a vehicle to make the illustrious underwear scene plausible.

I suppose when viewed that way she isn’t all bad.

There were no kids! In the flashback scenes there were kids, but there is no interaction between adult JCVD and a young child which is something we have grown to see as an integral part of his characters. JCVD is never quite so emotive as when acting opposite an eight year old.

Points also must be deducted for a really ridiculous music choice during his crisis of self. The chorus was (we kid you not) “I can be strong on my own.” We threw up a little bit in our mouths. We’re willing to watch JCVD ride around on a train looking forlorn, but there better be something better than whiny-esque Debarge type singers providing a soundtrack. Even the damn saxophone would have been better. This falls under this category because said crisis happens when aforementioned Jackson is wounded and crazy reporter woman yells at him.

Speaking of which, who sleeps with a fighter and then yells at him for fighting? She crazy.

Memorable Moments:

The championship match will forever be known as the Battle of the Pectorals.
Nothing is quite so awesome as doing the splits except perhaps doing the splits shirtless on two chairs, while gently glistening with sweat on one’s well muscled torso.
Every montage is made better with 80’s rock music.
Sign language is an effective method of communicating “I will crush you.”

In conclusion neither of us regrets giving this movie 80 minutes of our lives. This film is a canonical JCVD work, and aptly demonstrates how he become the Muscles from Brussels while providing a launching point for the legend. This movie defines him without limiting him, and it’s easy after watching it to understand why people were so excited to see the films that followed.

If they had tapped Kenny Loggins for the musical score we might have given this an 8.