Timecop

Overall VD Rating: 4 (This movie would be a 7 but mullets are an automatic 3 point deduction)

Timecop Lesson: Don’t climb steep roofs in the rain to escape men with evil mullets.

Time cop Philosophical Question: What if JCVD ended the space/time continuum?

This is an important question to ponder as “the same matter can’t occupy the same space.” We were worried JCVD was going to accidentally roundhouse kick himself there for a minute; the universe seemed to be in peril.

JCVD Exposure: 8

That we award this category an 8 IN SPITE OF THE MULLET speaks for itself I believe. Not only was there sexy time (!) complete with boobs, tongue, ass, and more boobs, but he is wet for well over half of this movie. There is also double the JCVD fun in some scenes which creates a decade’s worth of awesomeness. We wouldn’t mind a bite of that sandwich.

He fights in boxers (teeny tiny boxers) then gets wet (WET!) in the boxers then jumps up onto the counter and washer/dryer to do the splits and avoid 50,000 volts running through the water that had just got him so delightfully wet. We realize this would normally go into boot-to-face contact, but if doing the splits in boxers (WET) isn’t exposure, we don’t know what is.

He was also incredibly emotive; perhaps we were extra appreciative coming off of Bloodsport, but the scene where he sits on the couch watching old home videos of his dead wife drinking (again) and quoting what he said in the video pathetically attempting to grasp the past, we were genuinely moved. The scene where he finds out his (now) dead wife was pregnant is also excellently executed.

JCVD Relationship Lesson: Don’t marry JCVD. You will die.

JCVD Boot Face Action: 5

The fights scenes started out strong, but fizzled towards the end. When Fielding, the spunky partner played by Grace Reuben picks a fight with him we thought for sure we were in for some good inter-gender ass-kicking, but no. Timecop thwarted and disappointed us.

Also, the time bubbles were less than spectacularly executed; there were some unfortunate (UNFORTUNATE) blue screen shots that reminded me of claymation movies a la 1980. Speaking of which...

The science was awful. We didn’t know exactly where to put our science gripes, but as the time bubbles took away from the fight scenes boot-to-face makes sense. If you are going to do time travel, make sure you have your mythos down. Is there one timeline or multiple timelines? If you go back in time do you change as your former self changes? Or are you protected as you are out of the space/time continuum? These are questions that must be thought out prior to the filming process. It is unacceptable to decide that some people are affected when their younger self is affected, but JCVD stands alone. He’s awesome, but we aren’t sure he can survive outside the known laws of physics.

In fact we hope he can’t. That would be intense.

Also, the “matter occupying own space” crap was a horrible monster from the 13th dimension cop out. If you run into yourself and ruin the time space continuum it doesn’t make sense that you would turn into a bubble demon from hell and slowly seep into the floor. If the both of you combine into some weird demonic entity, your matter is still occupying the same space. Read a sci-fi novel people.

The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 8

To begin with we finally have good, strong, well-developed female characters. The wife is autonomous, sexy, and intelligent (except for the running up the roof thing). Fielding the morally bi-polar field agent is also independent, intelligent, tough, and sexy. It should be pointed out that this movie had a significantly larger budget than previous films, so perhaps they were able to better afford high caliber actresses like Mia Sara. After filming Legend I’m sure she commanded a high salary.

The villain was named Senator McComb is notable because his name was McComb which is further proof that all things named McComb are evil (even if it’s spelled differently).

The child, while absent throughout the film, was still a palpable presence that drove the plotline and played an integral part in JCVD’s actions. This was the most impressive fetus ever in a plotline. The kid at the end of the movie didn’t have much opportunity to draw out JCVD’s best acting moments, but that could have been a blessing as the child actors employed have been as painful as not.

Visions of the Future:

In 1994 they imagined that in 2004 we would all ride around in armored Delorian limos. They were wrong.
Mullets apparently were still in fashion, but looking at the current 80’s revival of shirt dresses and leggings under skirts under jeans with spandex over it all, we can’t fault them for that prediction over much.
In 2004 you will be able to have V.R. sex with full nudity on the part of the programmed female model. Is it sad we can date our JCVD movies by the cut of the pubic hair?

Memorable Mentions:
Sexy sax music and sad sax music. JCVD loves him some sax.
His mullet was not Billy Ray Cyrus and for that we were grateful.
There was a wrench to the face. ‘Nuff said.
The credits song is nominated for “Least Crappy Music in a JCVD Movie”

Overall we both enjoyed this movie much more than we thought we would, mullet notwithstanding. It was fun. It was super-future-isitic (said with a lisp) and there was sexy time and rain and smart women. What more could a girl ask for?