Friday, January 1, 2010
Coming Soon in 2010
More JCVD! Kate and I have been on Christmas hiatus and while we watched a lot of movies, a discovery of Gene Kelly, an on-going affair with Cary Grant, and pledging of love to Gregory Peck slowed down the JCVD watching. Once again back on schedule, however, prepare yourself for Cyborg and Double Team. Lord knows Kate and I are attempting to...
Monday, December 14, 2009
JCVD Life Lesson #7: How to Fall Down at Bowling
We went bowling Friday night. Cosmic bowling, in fact, and it was everything you could ever hope bowling to be and more. The first game passed fairly uneventfully, but the second game was where the action was. No less then you would expect, I gather, as both shenanigans, patience, and clumsiness need a little warm-up time.
The first roll of the second game I gauged my approach; I held my shiny green ball under my chin and stood, looking to all the world like I might be the sort of person that bowls a mean game. At least, that’s how I narrated my appearance in my head. Sometimes I like to imagine myself as a kind of rockstar, or at least schooled in the arts of Kung Fu. I began to move forward, stepping with my left foot, swinging the ball back, and then...both my knees hit the floor with all of my considerable weight and bowling force behind them as my arm continued to swing forward. The ball rocketed down the lane veering sharply to the left as my arms flew forward in something eerily like a Superman pose. My chest slammed down next creating a fully splayed picture of me, half of which was now lying in bowling grease.
There are moments in life where you don’t have the good fortune to belly flop while bowling in private. Sometime you bruise both knees and land in grease with the sort of graceless explosion of a sea lion jumping on land. When these moments come all you can do is laugh and hope that you won’t have to go to the emergency room with a busted knee because you fell down while bowling. A person wants to have been leaping out of the way of danger, narrowly missing an explosion after secretly saving the country, or, at the very least, have been diving for a falling baby. You don’t want to explain to the emergency room people that for one second you lost the ability to move without falling and were now broken because of it.
But I’ve recovered from my spill (mostly). It seems I must only suffer with two bruised knees and a carpal tunnel wrist that hates me when I bowl for a day or two before all will be well again. And I think to myself “what would JCVD do?” Would he give up on his bowling career? No. There would anger, gritting of teeth, and promises of revenge. There would be a training montage and screams of pain while he learned how to do the splits. Maybe you never knew the splits were needed when bowling, but JCVD would show us why. He would also lose his shirt in a freak bowling accident that would only enhance the awesomeness of his final bowl to victory.
I’m not going to learn how to do the splits and let’s hope I don’t lose my shirt, but I am going to make a triumphant return to bowling. And I will break 100. Because that, my friends, is how I roll. JCVD has shown me the way!
The first roll of the second game I gauged my approach; I held my shiny green ball under my chin and stood, looking to all the world like I might be the sort of person that bowls a mean game. At least, that’s how I narrated my appearance in my head. Sometimes I like to imagine myself as a kind of rockstar, or at least schooled in the arts of Kung Fu. I began to move forward, stepping with my left foot, swinging the ball back, and then...both my knees hit the floor with all of my considerable weight and bowling force behind them as my arm continued to swing forward. The ball rocketed down the lane veering sharply to the left as my arms flew forward in something eerily like a Superman pose. My chest slammed down next creating a fully splayed picture of me, half of which was now lying in bowling grease.
There are moments in life where you don’t have the good fortune to belly flop while bowling in private. Sometime you bruise both knees and land in grease with the sort of graceless explosion of a sea lion jumping on land. When these moments come all you can do is laugh and hope that you won’t have to go to the emergency room with a busted knee because you fell down while bowling. A person wants to have been leaping out of the way of danger, narrowly missing an explosion after secretly saving the country, or, at the very least, have been diving for a falling baby. You don’t want to explain to the emergency room people that for one second you lost the ability to move without falling and were now broken because of it.
But I’ve recovered from my spill (mostly). It seems I must only suffer with two bruised knees and a carpal tunnel wrist that hates me when I bowl for a day or two before all will be well again. And I think to myself “what would JCVD do?” Would he give up on his bowling career? No. There would anger, gritting of teeth, and promises of revenge. There would be a training montage and screams of pain while he learned how to do the splits. Maybe you never knew the splits were needed when bowling, but JCVD would show us why. He would also lose his shirt in a freak bowling accident that would only enhance the awesomeness of his final bowl to victory.
I’m not going to learn how to do the splits and let’s hope I don’t lose my shirt, but I am going to make a triumphant return to bowling. And I will break 100. Because that, my friends, is how I roll. JCVD has shown me the way!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Ninja Assassin!
This will be our first guest blog. A movie such as Ninja Assassin (pronounced NINJA ASSASSIN!! with a crescendo starting soft and ending loud) deserves to be viewed, rated, and appreciated in light of something like the JCVD Project. After the movie ended Kate asked, “Do you think I would have liked this movie as much if we weren’t doing the JCVD Project?” and we both agreed that she probably wouldn’t. Watching JCVD’s movies has given us both a new appreciation for the martial arts movie and the sort of awesomeness that one can only find with men who know their boot to face.
Overall VD Rating: 9
This movie will also be the first film to be evaluated with the JCVD rating system that doesn’t star Mr. JCVD himself. We’re excited to apply our methodology to the great world of cinema.
JCVD (Ninja) Exposure: 10
He does a handstand on nails. SLOWLY. He throws shuriken without a shirt on, blindfolded. He consistently has his shirt ripped off, cut off, sliced off, just...off. And Raizu, the name of our beloved rogue ninja should have his shirt off all the time. Seriously.
And the emotive opportunities were not wasted either. In fact, his ability to convey emotion, sarcasm, and anger with little more than a facial twitch was both impressive and engaging. It was just one more reason to stare at him really hard. Sincerely, though, while there were aspects of the plot that were a bit clichéd and trite, the ninja acting was not one of them.
JCVD (Ninja) Boot to Face Action: 10
You wish you had seen this sort of boot to face action in the theater. If you haven’t yet you should go find the nearest cinema and experience it. There are ninja fighting ninja. There are ninja cutting off body parts. There are training montages (we LOVE the training montage); there are really cool weapons scenes. There is Raizu without a shirt kicking so much ass, you didn’t even know there was that much ass in the world to be kicked.
A lot of criticism has been leveled at this film for being so gory. While the gore was significant and enough to make the viewer cringe a little at first, it was neither gratuitous nor realistic. The effect wasn’t painful or disturbing like a Tarantino movie might be, but was instead something meta-theatrical like a video game. There are arms being chopped off and cherry red blood flying everywhere, but the viewer is really effectively situated in another world where the laws of physics and human anatomy don’t apply. You can enjoy the “gore-fest” as something necessary and entertaining to the story, therefore, without being disturbed or overwhelmed by the violence.
Also, while the ninja are certainly super-powered to some degree, there was no bad ninja flying. There was ninja jumping, ninja shadow-walking, ninja healing, and ninja ninja-ness, but no bad ninja flying. At no point did it feel like we were watching wire work on screen. It felt exciting, real, and superhuman.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s (Ninja’s) Awesomeness: 7
Mika, played by the same actress that portrayed Calypso in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, proved as good of an actress in a ninja movie was she was in a pirate movie. She was a believable Europol researcher who was too smart for her own good, decent under pressure, but totally unprepared for a ninja attack. Really, which of us is prepared for a ninja attack? Granted, if you know they’re after you and your building mysteriously loses power, you probably shouldn’t go in. It did allow her to meet Raizu, however, and frankly if we knew there was a chance we could meet him, we might risk ninja attack too.
He’s just that good.
The bad guy was also really well portrayed. He was oddly respectable even while clearly a monster. Child abuse doesn’t even begin to cover ninja training, and yet both us were saddened by the destruction of the clan by Europol at the end. It seemed unfair for ninja to be gunned down like fish in a barrel. They deserve to be defeated in hand to hand combat! Yes, we are aware that they kill babies for 100 pounds of gold, but the principle remains.
Overall if you like martial arts movies, action movies, fun movies, and especially hot movies, you should go see this film. It’s a good time. Don’t be surprised when all they do is fight, and don’t listen to the reviewers who criticize it because all they do is fight. That’s what the movie is supposed to do. That’s why they titled it Ninja Assassin instead of Ninja Cuddles a Rabbit.
JCVD Life Lesson #6: My Obsession With Hit Men Continues
This is the part of the JCVD Project that we all knew was coming but dreaded anyway. We even said it in our Mission Statement: self discovery and all that. But when I embarked on this little project, it never occurred to me that I would self discover my inappropriate attractions to such a degree.
First there was Dolph in Universal Soldier. Now, we can all agree that Dolph is a very attractive man, but he wears a necklace of ears around his neck in that movie. Ears. If anything should turn a person off I would think it a necklace of ears would be in the top three. Not me, though, oh no; sure, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be attracted. I knew it wasn’t healthy to be attracted. But you show me a topless Dolph Lundgren, even a crazy ear-necklace wearing Dolph Lundgren, and a small part of me can’t help but react. The sad thing is the mullet in Masters of the Universe does successfully repulse me; so do I be happy I’m appropriately turned off by mullets or sad that ear-necklaces don’t get the job done?
Then there are all the countless times Mr. JCVD himself gets strung up in his movies. Usually his arms are chained above his head and he’s beat up, hosed down, or beat up then hosed down. Again--his being tortured should not be hot and yet...there I sit, quietly, desperately hoping that Kate won’t notice my inappropriate attractions (and she always does, the wanker).
Finally there was Ninja Assassin. There will be a guest blog on this movie, probably very soon, but I have to talk about it a little bit here to make my point. Luckily for me Raizu is a good guy--he doesn’t kill innocent people...anymore. Unluckily for me Raizu does kill fellow ninjas, quite gruesomely, without a second glance. Now on the one hand a person could consider my latest obsession a healthier one as he is the hero of the story. But, I’m still slightly disturbed by my romantic predilections because rogue ninja or not, Raizu is one very dangerous, very broken man.
And so we come to the point of this revealing, embarrassing, disheartening revelation about what I’m looking for in a man: how do we, as viewers, tell the difference between fantasies that are harmless to engage in and fantasies that we should fight against with every breath of our existence?
I assume (and I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming this) that were I to meet a young, shirtless Dolph Lundgren with a necklace of ears around his neck I would not react with breathless anticipation. I assume (and please please PLEASE let me be right about this) that I would run the other way as fast as my chubby little legs would let me. I also assume that there is no context within which another human being might suffer genuine distress that I could find arousing.
But, moving away from the literal here, how do I make sure that the qualities in these examples that appeal to me--craziness and brokenness primarily--aren’t dictating my choices and decisions in my everyday interactions? Specifically it isn’t about the ears; the ears aren’t hot. But it is about Dolph portraying a character that is so delightfully crazy; there’s an independence in that sort of insanity I find appealing. What I worry about (and why we’re having this little conversation) is that by indulging my enjoyment of that independence I lessen my ability to recognize acceptable and unacceptable insanity in the real world.
I think, and please correct me if I’m wrong here, that the more time one engages in unacceptable fantasies the more likely it is the reality of those fantasies--painful, broken, destructive realities--will be accepted as appropriate relationship material. But, and this does point to at least some remnants of mental stability left in this crooked brain of mine, my sheer disgust of the character in Desert Heat demonstrates that it isn’t about looks. If it were a purely physical thing it wouldn’t matter what character JCVD played, I would accept it whole cloth every time. We know from our project that it matters very much which character JCVD plays; he is significantly more attractive in Nowhere to Run than Desert Heat. Hell, he’s more attractive in Hard Target than Desert Heat--though again, mullets are not an easy thing to get over.
Looks can’t be discounted, however; I find the Joker fascinating, but have no sexual attraction to him. It could be argued, therefore, that I find Dolph Lundgren attractive but have no sexual attraction for his character in Universal Soldier. That would be significantly unique for me as it almost always the characters I enjoy, not the actors (despite this little project) but if it were the man and not the character in the case of Universal Soldier at least I wouldn’t have to feel so bad about my libido. And it is also possible that were I in a more discerning state of mind while watching all of these movies I would be able to distinguish between appreciation and attraction; I appreciate the beauty of the actor versus the lack of attraction for the character.
Whatever the case, and the truth might be far more disturbing than has even been glossed on here, I bring this up because I worry sometimes that our joking attention to JCVD’s hotness could be confused with a serious equating of beauty and worth. I don’t think anyone needs me to point out that we value physical beauty primarily in our society, but as I consider the moments in my life where I allow physical beauty to over rule good sense it creates a dialogue in my head where I start to question why I am attracted to the things I am. And I would argue this is an important questioning to engage in.
If one is attracted to independence and unpredictability that’s not a bad thing--unless said independence and unpredictability take the form of a crazy man wearing a necklace of ears. Then you have to ask yourself the question, what is it about independence and unpredictability that really attracts me?
If one is attracted to vulnerability and mental anguish that’s slightly sketchy in general--what is it about a man whose emotionally broken and unable to engage in a healthy, stable relationship that myself (and millions of other women) find appealing in theory? If there is a legitimate possibility he will kill you while you sleep (Phantom from Phantom of the Opera) or leave you and never come back (rogue ninja) or will never be able to function in society without you (Luc from Universal Soldier) then there is a serious problem there. None of those things should be sexy.
And yet they are. But only in fantasy. In reality they are scary, destructive, and suffocating. At least that’s what I tell myself every day.
Seriously, though, I think it is as important to know why you are attracted to the things you are as it is not to feed the fantasies that might encourage dehumanizing others. It’s not fair to yourself or others to create inhuman or unhealthy expectations of someone and might lead to an unintentional, but still destructive, objectification of them.
I’m not gonna lie--it’s a serious pain in my ass to be an ethical, moral individual. Self awareness is so overrated.
First there was Dolph in Universal Soldier. Now, we can all agree that Dolph is a very attractive man, but he wears a necklace of ears around his neck in that movie. Ears. If anything should turn a person off I would think it a necklace of ears would be in the top three. Not me, though, oh no; sure, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be attracted. I knew it wasn’t healthy to be attracted. But you show me a topless Dolph Lundgren, even a crazy ear-necklace wearing Dolph Lundgren, and a small part of me can’t help but react. The sad thing is the mullet in Masters of the Universe does successfully repulse me; so do I be happy I’m appropriately turned off by mullets or sad that ear-necklaces don’t get the job done?
Then there are all the countless times Mr. JCVD himself gets strung up in his movies. Usually his arms are chained above his head and he’s beat up, hosed down, or beat up then hosed down. Again--his being tortured should not be hot and yet...there I sit, quietly, desperately hoping that Kate won’t notice my inappropriate attractions (and she always does, the wanker).
Finally there was Ninja Assassin. There will be a guest blog on this movie, probably very soon, but I have to talk about it a little bit here to make my point. Luckily for me Raizu is a good guy--he doesn’t kill innocent people...anymore. Unluckily for me Raizu does kill fellow ninjas, quite gruesomely, without a second glance. Now on the one hand a person could consider my latest obsession a healthier one as he is the hero of the story. But, I’m still slightly disturbed by my romantic predilections because rogue ninja or not, Raizu is one very dangerous, very broken man.
And so we come to the point of this revealing, embarrassing, disheartening revelation about what I’m looking for in a man: how do we, as viewers, tell the difference between fantasies that are harmless to engage in and fantasies that we should fight against with every breath of our existence?
I assume (and I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming this) that were I to meet a young, shirtless Dolph Lundgren with a necklace of ears around his neck I would not react with breathless anticipation. I assume (and please please PLEASE let me be right about this) that I would run the other way as fast as my chubby little legs would let me. I also assume that there is no context within which another human being might suffer genuine distress that I could find arousing.
But, moving away from the literal here, how do I make sure that the qualities in these examples that appeal to me--craziness and brokenness primarily--aren’t dictating my choices and decisions in my everyday interactions? Specifically it isn’t about the ears; the ears aren’t hot. But it is about Dolph portraying a character that is so delightfully crazy; there’s an independence in that sort of insanity I find appealing. What I worry about (and why we’re having this little conversation) is that by indulging my enjoyment of that independence I lessen my ability to recognize acceptable and unacceptable insanity in the real world.
I think, and please correct me if I’m wrong here, that the more time one engages in unacceptable fantasies the more likely it is the reality of those fantasies--painful, broken, destructive realities--will be accepted as appropriate relationship material. But, and this does point to at least some remnants of mental stability left in this crooked brain of mine, my sheer disgust of the character in Desert Heat demonstrates that it isn’t about looks. If it were a purely physical thing it wouldn’t matter what character JCVD played, I would accept it whole cloth every time. We know from our project that it matters very much which character JCVD plays; he is significantly more attractive in Nowhere to Run than Desert Heat. Hell, he’s more attractive in Hard Target than Desert Heat--though again, mullets are not an easy thing to get over.
Looks can’t be discounted, however; I find the Joker fascinating, but have no sexual attraction to him. It could be argued, therefore, that I find Dolph Lundgren attractive but have no sexual attraction for his character in Universal Soldier. That would be significantly unique for me as it almost always the characters I enjoy, not the actors (despite this little project) but if it were the man and not the character in the case of Universal Soldier at least I wouldn’t have to feel so bad about my libido. And it is also possible that were I in a more discerning state of mind while watching all of these movies I would be able to distinguish between appreciation and attraction; I appreciate the beauty of the actor versus the lack of attraction for the character.
Whatever the case, and the truth might be far more disturbing than has even been glossed on here, I bring this up because I worry sometimes that our joking attention to JCVD’s hotness could be confused with a serious equating of beauty and worth. I don’t think anyone needs me to point out that we value physical beauty primarily in our society, but as I consider the moments in my life where I allow physical beauty to over rule good sense it creates a dialogue in my head where I start to question why I am attracted to the things I am. And I would argue this is an important questioning to engage in.
If one is attracted to independence and unpredictability that’s not a bad thing--unless said independence and unpredictability take the form of a crazy man wearing a necklace of ears. Then you have to ask yourself the question, what is it about independence and unpredictability that really attracts me?
If one is attracted to vulnerability and mental anguish that’s slightly sketchy in general--what is it about a man whose emotionally broken and unable to engage in a healthy, stable relationship that myself (and millions of other women) find appealing in theory? If there is a legitimate possibility he will kill you while you sleep (Phantom from Phantom of the Opera) or leave you and never come back (rogue ninja) or will never be able to function in society without you (Luc from Universal Soldier) then there is a serious problem there. None of those things should be sexy.
And yet they are. But only in fantasy. In reality they are scary, destructive, and suffocating. At least that’s what I tell myself every day.
Seriously, though, I think it is as important to know why you are attracted to the things you are as it is not to feed the fantasies that might encourage dehumanizing others. It’s not fair to yourself or others to create inhuman or unhealthy expectations of someone and might lead to an unintentional, but still destructive, objectification of them.
I’m not gonna lie--it’s a serious pain in my ass to be an ethical, moral individual. Self awareness is so overrated.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Nowhere to Run
“Au Revoir, Fucker!”
Finally a catchphrase worthy of JCVD himself.
Overall VD Rating: 7
We were both pleasantly surprised by the sneaky awesomeness of this movie. There was sexy time, there was Rosanna Arquette, there were kids (one of whom was a Culkin!) and there was JCVD who runs into burning building buildings, saves babies, is a convict, a lawyer, and knows how to operate construction equipment. People should be warned before watching this film.
JCVD Exposure: 9
In chronological order we give you:
Scene 1: Bathing in the lake with no clothes on
Scene 2: Taking a shower with no clothes on
Scene 3: Best sexy time EVER--again with no clothes on
Scene 4: Wet fighting scene...unfortunately, with clothes on.
Honorable mention: Riding a motorcycle across the top of a gosh darned mountain. Seriously.
The emotive opportunities were also carefully mined, as a (literally) heartbreaking goodbye scene between JCVD and the kids almost made Jess cry; it could have been her consumption, but we’ll blame it on the movie. Also, while JCVD plays a convict (again) he is neither bestial, monstrous, or sending girls to Cleveland after one night spent together. This was the sort of convict with a heart of gold that we have been suffering through all of these prison movies for. It was a long time comin’ but much appreciated now that it’s here.
We can neither confirm nor deny the possibility of the DVD having been rewound and paused directly leading up to sexy time...and then rewound while paused. She was sponging him down--what are we supposed to do?
It’s also possible that every time JCVD gets chained up and beat Jess has an inappropriate reaction. What’s worse, this or the ears? Oh the things JCVD teaches us about ourselves.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5
It was good, but it wasn’t exceptional. At no point were we bored, but we can’t possibly put it in the category of Bloodsport or anything like that. He does take a guy out by leaping through a car--that was cool. Other than that most of the action was his heroics; the end fight scene was good, but nothing superior to, say, Roadhouse.
JCVD Fighting Lesson: When throwing someone out a window, it is best to avoid going out with them.
The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7
Let’s start with Rosanna Arquette. First off, there’s a full frontal, and it isn’t even sexy time yet. The carpet does not match the curtains. However, she is certainly one of the top three heroines we have seen thus far. She’s strong, independent, and capable without whining, sniveling, or running into gun fights without a gun. We loved that about her. She also promised to wait for JCVD as long as it took; that’s the sort of loyalty we’re looking for in our JCVD women. (Please don’t psychoanalyze us.)
Then there was Keirnan Culkin. He’s a Culkin! Despite not being his older brother, there still managed to be a Home Alone moment in this movie. When a Culkin lures a bad guy into a trap, “Come get me you big, fat jerk!” we can’t help but compare the two. He and his sister were some of the best child actors we’ve seen so far, and that was really, honestly, a tremendously appreciated surprise.
Epilogue:
We write this scene in protest of this movie’s ambiguously tragic ending. Jess will have a coronary without it.
Lights Up: Scene Clydie’s Farm. It’s sunrise, summer. Clydie is up in the kitchen making breakfast for the kids.
Flash Across Screen: 3 Years Later
Clydie looks up as a motorcycle roars in the distance. She always looks up, even though she knows it can’t be him. She sets the bowl with the whipped eggs on the table as it becomes apparent the motorcycle is coming to her farm. The kids run downstairs, awakened by the noise.
The northern California fog parts as a figure, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses appears on the motorcycle. He roars to a stop in front of the house and all three, both kids and Clydie, run off the porch to greet him.
Mookie: Sam!
Sam scoops both kids up in his arms and hugs them in greeting before setting them back down and tentatively meeting Clydie’s tearful gaze.
Long pause.
Sam: I said I’d come back.
Clydie: I waited.
They embrace and kiss passionately.
Fade Out.
Take that movie!
We dedicate this post to Zoltan Elek. The man responsible for the make-up on this film. We love you Zoltan.
Finally a catchphrase worthy of JCVD himself.
Overall VD Rating: 7
We were both pleasantly surprised by the sneaky awesomeness of this movie. There was sexy time, there was Rosanna Arquette, there were kids (one of whom was a Culkin!) and there was JCVD who runs into burning building buildings, saves babies, is a convict, a lawyer, and knows how to operate construction equipment. People should be warned before watching this film.
JCVD Exposure: 9
In chronological order we give you:
Scene 1: Bathing in the lake with no clothes on
Scene 2: Taking a shower with no clothes on
Scene 3: Best sexy time EVER--again with no clothes on
Scene 4: Wet fighting scene...unfortunately, with clothes on.
Honorable mention: Riding a motorcycle across the top of a gosh darned mountain. Seriously.
The emotive opportunities were also carefully mined, as a (literally) heartbreaking goodbye scene between JCVD and the kids almost made Jess cry; it could have been her consumption, but we’ll blame it on the movie. Also, while JCVD plays a convict (again) he is neither bestial, monstrous, or sending girls to Cleveland after one night spent together. This was the sort of convict with a heart of gold that we have been suffering through all of these prison movies for. It was a long time comin’ but much appreciated now that it’s here.
We can neither confirm nor deny the possibility of the DVD having been rewound and paused directly leading up to sexy time...and then rewound while paused. She was sponging him down--what are we supposed to do?
It’s also possible that every time JCVD gets chained up and beat Jess has an inappropriate reaction. What’s worse, this or the ears? Oh the things JCVD teaches us about ourselves.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5
It was good, but it wasn’t exceptional. At no point were we bored, but we can’t possibly put it in the category of Bloodsport or anything like that. He does take a guy out by leaping through a car--that was cool. Other than that most of the action was his heroics; the end fight scene was good, but nothing superior to, say, Roadhouse.
JCVD Fighting Lesson: When throwing someone out a window, it is best to avoid going out with them.
The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7
Let’s start with Rosanna Arquette. First off, there’s a full frontal, and it isn’t even sexy time yet. The carpet does not match the curtains. However, she is certainly one of the top three heroines we have seen thus far. She’s strong, independent, and capable without whining, sniveling, or running into gun fights without a gun. We loved that about her. She also promised to wait for JCVD as long as it took; that’s the sort of loyalty we’re looking for in our JCVD women. (Please don’t psychoanalyze us.)
Then there was Keirnan Culkin. He’s a Culkin! Despite not being his older brother, there still managed to be a Home Alone moment in this movie. When a Culkin lures a bad guy into a trap, “Come get me you big, fat jerk!” we can’t help but compare the two. He and his sister were some of the best child actors we’ve seen so far, and that was really, honestly, a tremendously appreciated surprise.
Epilogue:
We write this scene in protest of this movie’s ambiguously tragic ending. Jess will have a coronary without it.
Lights Up: Scene Clydie’s Farm. It’s sunrise, summer. Clydie is up in the kitchen making breakfast for the kids.
Flash Across Screen: 3 Years Later
Clydie looks up as a motorcycle roars in the distance. She always looks up, even though she knows it can’t be him. She sets the bowl with the whipped eggs on the table as it becomes apparent the motorcycle is coming to her farm. The kids run downstairs, awakened by the noise.
The northern California fog parts as a figure, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses appears on the motorcycle. He roars to a stop in front of the house and all three, both kids and Clydie, run off the porch to greet him.
Mookie: Sam!
Sam scoops both kids up in his arms and hugs them in greeting before setting them back down and tentatively meeting Clydie’s tearful gaze.
Long pause.
Sam: I said I’d come back.
Clydie: I waited.
They embrace and kiss passionately.
Fade Out.
Take that movie!
We dedicate this post to Zoltan Elek. The man responsible for the make-up on this film. We love you Zoltan.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Legionnaire
This movie is better if watched closely. It’s a war movie--who knew?
Overall VD Rating: 7
To sum up, Kate captured this movie beautifully as she exclaimed at the end: “Oh no! I’m moved!”
JCVD Exposure: 9
JCVD’s exposure is based solely on his acting in this film. Well, and a couple of times when he takes his shirt off. It’s hot in the desert after all. Seriously, though, he plays a courageous man, who struggles with the concept of honor and demonstrates an early set of acting chops that find fruition in his later movies. While he never sheds real tears, he does get teary-eyed at several points in the film as he remembers his love Katrina, his friend who dies in his arms, and the friends amongst the Legionnaires that he watches die. This is the kind of subtly good acting of JCVD as seen in Wake of Death.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 3
It’s a war movie! Except for a few boxing scenes the only real “fighting” that happens is with guns and bombs. The director doesn’t even attempt to convince the audience that JCVD is a boxer who can magically roundhouse kick--instead JCVD plays a character who is excellent at boxing and shooting, but not the martial arts. While we appreciated the artistic authenticity to storyline, that meant boot to face took a hit.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 9
Kate loves Katrina! Jess was impressed as well. For only a few scenes she captures the viewer’s hearts fairly effectively and convincingly portrays an empathetic character. This is one of the only times we have actually cared about the girl as much as JCVD cares about the girl.
As for the Legionnaires there was Guido, the love struck Italian, the angry German, Mac the stuffy Brit, and Luther the irreverent American. This movie dealt strongly in original portrayals of cultures.
Never the less, Guido, Luther, and Mac all provided significant emotional opportunities for both the viewer and the plot line. All were empathetic, surprisingly well fleshed out, and tragic in their endings. It was interesting how not two dimensional these characters were, especially when it is considered how little screen time they individually possessed. All of them grow and in turn allow JCVD’s character to grow. It was one of the best examples of supporting characters genuinely shaping and affecting the lead.
In the interest of full disclosure, we tried to watch this movie once and epically failed. We were both distracted and expecting a typical JCVD shirtless fighting fest, and quickly became confused and bored. We’re both happy we gave it a serious chance, however, as it has proven itself a surprisingly emotional, and well made film. There are things that could have been better, of course, but overall we think this is probably an underrated film.
FYI--the music is superb. By far the best music in a JCVD film thus far.
Overall VD Rating: 7
To sum up, Kate captured this movie beautifully as she exclaimed at the end: “Oh no! I’m moved!”
JCVD Exposure: 9
JCVD’s exposure is based solely on his acting in this film. Well, and a couple of times when he takes his shirt off. It’s hot in the desert after all. Seriously, though, he plays a courageous man, who struggles with the concept of honor and demonstrates an early set of acting chops that find fruition in his later movies. While he never sheds real tears, he does get teary-eyed at several points in the film as he remembers his love Katrina, his friend who dies in his arms, and the friends amongst the Legionnaires that he watches die. This is the kind of subtly good acting of JCVD as seen in Wake of Death.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 3
It’s a war movie! Except for a few boxing scenes the only real “fighting” that happens is with guns and bombs. The director doesn’t even attempt to convince the audience that JCVD is a boxer who can magically roundhouse kick--instead JCVD plays a character who is excellent at boxing and shooting, but not the martial arts. While we appreciated the artistic authenticity to storyline, that meant boot to face took a hit.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 9
Kate loves Katrina! Jess was impressed as well. For only a few scenes she captures the viewer’s hearts fairly effectively and convincingly portrays an empathetic character. This is one of the only times we have actually cared about the girl as much as JCVD cares about the girl.
As for the Legionnaires there was Guido, the love struck Italian, the angry German, Mac the stuffy Brit, and Luther the irreverent American. This movie dealt strongly in original portrayals of cultures.
Never the less, Guido, Luther, and Mac all provided significant emotional opportunities for both the viewer and the plot line. All were empathetic, surprisingly well fleshed out, and tragic in their endings. It was interesting how not two dimensional these characters were, especially when it is considered how little screen time they individually possessed. All of them grow and in turn allow JCVD’s character to grow. It was one of the best examples of supporting characters genuinely shaping and affecting the lead.
In the interest of full disclosure, we tried to watch this movie once and epically failed. We were both distracted and expecting a typical JCVD shirtless fighting fest, and quickly became confused and bored. We’re both happy we gave it a serious chance, however, as it has proven itself a surprisingly emotional, and well made film. There are things that could have been better, of course, but overall we think this is probably an underrated film.
FYI--the music is superb. By far the best music in a JCVD film thus far.
JCVD Life Lesson #5: JCVD vs. Twilight
I have a quandary; when asked which do I love more, JCVD or Twilight, I found I couldn’t answer quickly or easily. I think the problem lies in the fact that JCVD has never been either a werewolf or a vampire and that makes it difficult to compare the two. To deal with this quandary I propose the following: I will ascertain which supernatural JCVD would be, and I will then conclude which “team” I am on. Let’s investigate.
Supernatural Type:
JCVD is a brute force sort of guy--the points towards werewolf I think. However, he cries a lot and seems to possess significant tenderness which would point towards vampire. After watching In Hell, however, JCVD certainly seems to fighting “the beast within.”
Conclusion: Werewolf
Everlasting Love and Happiness:
Now, with all of that being said, would a girl rather date JCVD or Edward? The marriage question is moot, as you die no matter which one you’re with. But, following your “death” with Edward you do attain a version of immortality versus JCVD where, at most, you come back to life following some slightly sketchy time travel physics.
Winner: Edward
Werewolves:
In the camp of werewolves JCVD comes up against Jacob. This one really isn’t fair. JCVD is a full grown man who is not only gorgeous, but excels at both boot to face and the splits. All Jacob has going for him is severe angst and extreme musculature.
Winner: JCVD
Angsty Possibilities:
Edward loves you, but refuses to be with you. JCVD loves you, but is near death, recovering from death, causing death, or signing your death warrant a.k.a. the marriage license. Both are tortured--Edward because he thinks he’s lost his soul and JCVD because his wife/brother/child/mentor/friend has recently died, and neither is ready to commit to eternity either for personal reasons (robbing you of your soul) or vengeful ones (justice must be found before sexy time can happen). In both relationships your life will be in danger, either from other supernatural creatures or drug lords. And while Edward has a good fifty years of brooding on dear JCVD, JCVD cries more--usually while drinking.
Winner: Tie
Conclusion:
I think it has to come down to how long you want your love to last, and, more importantly, if you want marriage to be a part of it. If wedding bells make up your vision you might want to stick with Edward, you’ll never see your family again, but at least you’ll be alive--sort of. But if you want to be loved like no woman has ever been loved and have sexy time instead of enforced chastity there’s really only one way to go: JCVD. And, probably if you never technically got married you could live a long happy life together.
We should begin a petition for a JCVD movie where he is a werewolf. Why has no one thought of this idea?!
Supernatural Type:
JCVD is a brute force sort of guy--the points towards werewolf I think. However, he cries a lot and seems to possess significant tenderness which would point towards vampire. After watching In Hell, however, JCVD certainly seems to fighting “the beast within.”
Conclusion: Werewolf
Everlasting Love and Happiness:
Now, with all of that being said, would a girl rather date JCVD or Edward? The marriage question is moot, as you die no matter which one you’re with. But, following your “death” with Edward you do attain a version of immortality versus JCVD where, at most, you come back to life following some slightly sketchy time travel physics.
Winner: Edward
Werewolves:
In the camp of werewolves JCVD comes up against Jacob. This one really isn’t fair. JCVD is a full grown man who is not only gorgeous, but excels at both boot to face and the splits. All Jacob has going for him is severe angst and extreme musculature.
Winner: JCVD
Angsty Possibilities:
Edward loves you, but refuses to be with you. JCVD loves you, but is near death, recovering from death, causing death, or signing your death warrant a.k.a. the marriage license. Both are tortured--Edward because he thinks he’s lost his soul and JCVD because his wife/brother/child/mentor/friend has recently died, and neither is ready to commit to eternity either for personal reasons (robbing you of your soul) or vengeful ones (justice must be found before sexy time can happen). In both relationships your life will be in danger, either from other supernatural creatures or drug lords. And while Edward has a good fifty years of brooding on dear JCVD, JCVD cries more--usually while drinking.
Winner: Tie
Conclusion:
I think it has to come down to how long you want your love to last, and, more importantly, if you want marriage to be a part of it. If wedding bells make up your vision you might want to stick with Edward, you’ll never see your family again, but at least you’ll be alive--sort of. But if you want to be loved like no woman has ever been loved and have sexy time instead of enforced chastity there’s really only one way to go: JCVD. And, probably if you never technically got married you could live a long happy life together.
We should begin a petition for a JCVD movie where he is a werewolf. Why has no one thought of this idea?!
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