“Au Revoir, Fucker!”
Finally a catchphrase worthy of JCVD himself.
Overall VD Rating: 7
We were both pleasantly surprised by the sneaky awesomeness of this movie. There was sexy time, there was Rosanna Arquette, there were kids (one of whom was a Culkin!) and there was JCVD who runs into burning building buildings, saves babies, is a convict, a lawyer, and knows how to operate construction equipment. People should be warned before watching this film.
JCVD Exposure: 9
In chronological order we give you:
Scene 1: Bathing in the lake with no clothes on
Scene 2: Taking a shower with no clothes on
Scene 3: Best sexy time EVER--again with no clothes on
Scene 4: Wet fighting scene...unfortunately, with clothes on.
Honorable mention: Riding a motorcycle across the top of a gosh darned mountain. Seriously.
The emotive opportunities were also carefully mined, as a (literally) heartbreaking goodbye scene between JCVD and the kids almost made Jess cry; it could have been her consumption, but we’ll blame it on the movie. Also, while JCVD plays a convict (again) he is neither bestial, monstrous, or sending girls to Cleveland after one night spent together. This was the sort of convict with a heart of gold that we have been suffering through all of these prison movies for. It was a long time comin’ but much appreciated now that it’s here.
We can neither confirm nor deny the possibility of the DVD having been rewound and paused directly leading up to sexy time...and then rewound while paused. She was sponging him down--what are we supposed to do?
It’s also possible that every time JCVD gets chained up and beat Jess has an inappropriate reaction. What’s worse, this or the ears? Oh the things JCVD teaches us about ourselves.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5
It was good, but it wasn’t exceptional. At no point were we bored, but we can’t possibly put it in the category of Bloodsport or anything like that. He does take a guy out by leaping through a car--that was cool. Other than that most of the action was his heroics; the end fight scene was good, but nothing superior to, say, Roadhouse.
JCVD Fighting Lesson: When throwing someone out a window, it is best to avoid going out with them.
The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7
Let’s start with Rosanna Arquette. First off, there’s a full frontal, and it isn’t even sexy time yet. The carpet does not match the curtains. However, she is certainly one of the top three heroines we have seen thus far. She’s strong, independent, and capable without whining, sniveling, or running into gun fights without a gun. We loved that about her. She also promised to wait for JCVD as long as it took; that’s the sort of loyalty we’re looking for in our JCVD women. (Please don’t psychoanalyze us.)
Then there was Keirnan Culkin. He’s a Culkin! Despite not being his older brother, there still managed to be a Home Alone moment in this movie. When a Culkin lures a bad guy into a trap, “Come get me you big, fat jerk!” we can’t help but compare the two. He and his sister were some of the best child actors we’ve seen so far, and that was really, honestly, a tremendously appreciated surprise.
Epilogue:
We write this scene in protest of this movie’s ambiguously tragic ending. Jess will have a coronary without it.
Lights Up: Scene Clydie’s Farm. It’s sunrise, summer. Clydie is up in the kitchen making breakfast for the kids.
Flash Across Screen: 3 Years Later
Clydie looks up as a motorcycle roars in the distance. She always looks up, even though she knows it can’t be him. She sets the bowl with the whipped eggs on the table as it becomes apparent the motorcycle is coming to her farm. The kids run downstairs, awakened by the noise.
The northern California fog parts as a figure, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses appears on the motorcycle. He roars to a stop in front of the house and all three, both kids and Clydie, run off the porch to greet him.
Mookie: Sam!
Sam scoops both kids up in his arms and hugs them in greeting before setting them back down and tentatively meeting Clydie’s tearful gaze.
Long pause.
Sam: I said I’d come back.
Clydie: I waited.
They embrace and kiss passionately.
Fade Out.
Take that movie!
We dedicate this post to Zoltan Elek. The man responsible for the make-up on this film. We love you Zoltan.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Legionnaire
This movie is better if watched closely. It’s a war movie--who knew?
Overall VD Rating: 7
To sum up, Kate captured this movie beautifully as she exclaimed at the end: “Oh no! I’m moved!”
JCVD Exposure: 9
JCVD’s exposure is based solely on his acting in this film. Well, and a couple of times when he takes his shirt off. It’s hot in the desert after all. Seriously, though, he plays a courageous man, who struggles with the concept of honor and demonstrates an early set of acting chops that find fruition in his later movies. While he never sheds real tears, he does get teary-eyed at several points in the film as he remembers his love Katrina, his friend who dies in his arms, and the friends amongst the Legionnaires that he watches die. This is the kind of subtly good acting of JCVD as seen in Wake of Death.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 3
It’s a war movie! Except for a few boxing scenes the only real “fighting” that happens is with guns and bombs. The director doesn’t even attempt to convince the audience that JCVD is a boxer who can magically roundhouse kick--instead JCVD plays a character who is excellent at boxing and shooting, but not the martial arts. While we appreciated the artistic authenticity to storyline, that meant boot to face took a hit.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 9
Kate loves Katrina! Jess was impressed as well. For only a few scenes she captures the viewer’s hearts fairly effectively and convincingly portrays an empathetic character. This is one of the only times we have actually cared about the girl as much as JCVD cares about the girl.
As for the Legionnaires there was Guido, the love struck Italian, the angry German, Mac the stuffy Brit, and Luther the irreverent American. This movie dealt strongly in original portrayals of cultures.
Never the less, Guido, Luther, and Mac all provided significant emotional opportunities for both the viewer and the plot line. All were empathetic, surprisingly well fleshed out, and tragic in their endings. It was interesting how not two dimensional these characters were, especially when it is considered how little screen time they individually possessed. All of them grow and in turn allow JCVD’s character to grow. It was one of the best examples of supporting characters genuinely shaping and affecting the lead.
In the interest of full disclosure, we tried to watch this movie once and epically failed. We were both distracted and expecting a typical JCVD shirtless fighting fest, and quickly became confused and bored. We’re both happy we gave it a serious chance, however, as it has proven itself a surprisingly emotional, and well made film. There are things that could have been better, of course, but overall we think this is probably an underrated film.
FYI--the music is superb. By far the best music in a JCVD film thus far.
Overall VD Rating: 7
To sum up, Kate captured this movie beautifully as she exclaimed at the end: “Oh no! I’m moved!”
JCVD Exposure: 9
JCVD’s exposure is based solely on his acting in this film. Well, and a couple of times when he takes his shirt off. It’s hot in the desert after all. Seriously, though, he plays a courageous man, who struggles with the concept of honor and demonstrates an early set of acting chops that find fruition in his later movies. While he never sheds real tears, he does get teary-eyed at several points in the film as he remembers his love Katrina, his friend who dies in his arms, and the friends amongst the Legionnaires that he watches die. This is the kind of subtly good acting of JCVD as seen in Wake of Death.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 3
It’s a war movie! Except for a few boxing scenes the only real “fighting” that happens is with guns and bombs. The director doesn’t even attempt to convince the audience that JCVD is a boxer who can magically roundhouse kick--instead JCVD plays a character who is excellent at boxing and shooting, but not the martial arts. While we appreciated the artistic authenticity to storyline, that meant boot to face took a hit.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 9
Kate loves Katrina! Jess was impressed as well. For only a few scenes she captures the viewer’s hearts fairly effectively and convincingly portrays an empathetic character. This is one of the only times we have actually cared about the girl as much as JCVD cares about the girl.
As for the Legionnaires there was Guido, the love struck Italian, the angry German, Mac the stuffy Brit, and Luther the irreverent American. This movie dealt strongly in original portrayals of cultures.
Never the less, Guido, Luther, and Mac all provided significant emotional opportunities for both the viewer and the plot line. All were empathetic, surprisingly well fleshed out, and tragic in their endings. It was interesting how not two dimensional these characters were, especially when it is considered how little screen time they individually possessed. All of them grow and in turn allow JCVD’s character to grow. It was one of the best examples of supporting characters genuinely shaping and affecting the lead.
In the interest of full disclosure, we tried to watch this movie once and epically failed. We were both distracted and expecting a typical JCVD shirtless fighting fest, and quickly became confused and bored. We’re both happy we gave it a serious chance, however, as it has proven itself a surprisingly emotional, and well made film. There are things that could have been better, of course, but overall we think this is probably an underrated film.
FYI--the music is superb. By far the best music in a JCVD film thus far.
JCVD Life Lesson #5: JCVD vs. Twilight
I have a quandary; when asked which do I love more, JCVD or Twilight, I found I couldn’t answer quickly or easily. I think the problem lies in the fact that JCVD has never been either a werewolf or a vampire and that makes it difficult to compare the two. To deal with this quandary I propose the following: I will ascertain which supernatural JCVD would be, and I will then conclude which “team” I am on. Let’s investigate.
Supernatural Type:
JCVD is a brute force sort of guy--the points towards werewolf I think. However, he cries a lot and seems to possess significant tenderness which would point towards vampire. After watching In Hell, however, JCVD certainly seems to fighting “the beast within.”
Conclusion: Werewolf
Everlasting Love and Happiness:
Now, with all of that being said, would a girl rather date JCVD or Edward? The marriage question is moot, as you die no matter which one you’re with. But, following your “death” with Edward you do attain a version of immortality versus JCVD where, at most, you come back to life following some slightly sketchy time travel physics.
Winner: Edward
Werewolves:
In the camp of werewolves JCVD comes up against Jacob. This one really isn’t fair. JCVD is a full grown man who is not only gorgeous, but excels at both boot to face and the splits. All Jacob has going for him is severe angst and extreme musculature.
Winner: JCVD
Angsty Possibilities:
Edward loves you, but refuses to be with you. JCVD loves you, but is near death, recovering from death, causing death, or signing your death warrant a.k.a. the marriage license. Both are tortured--Edward because he thinks he’s lost his soul and JCVD because his wife/brother/child/mentor/friend has recently died, and neither is ready to commit to eternity either for personal reasons (robbing you of your soul) or vengeful ones (justice must be found before sexy time can happen). In both relationships your life will be in danger, either from other supernatural creatures or drug lords. And while Edward has a good fifty years of brooding on dear JCVD, JCVD cries more--usually while drinking.
Winner: Tie
Conclusion:
I think it has to come down to how long you want your love to last, and, more importantly, if you want marriage to be a part of it. If wedding bells make up your vision you might want to stick with Edward, you’ll never see your family again, but at least you’ll be alive--sort of. But if you want to be loved like no woman has ever been loved and have sexy time instead of enforced chastity there’s really only one way to go: JCVD. And, probably if you never technically got married you could live a long happy life together.
We should begin a petition for a JCVD movie where he is a werewolf. Why has no one thought of this idea?!
Supernatural Type:
JCVD is a brute force sort of guy--the points towards werewolf I think. However, he cries a lot and seems to possess significant tenderness which would point towards vampire. After watching In Hell, however, JCVD certainly seems to fighting “the beast within.”
Conclusion: Werewolf
Everlasting Love and Happiness:
Now, with all of that being said, would a girl rather date JCVD or Edward? The marriage question is moot, as you die no matter which one you’re with. But, following your “death” with Edward you do attain a version of immortality versus JCVD where, at most, you come back to life following some slightly sketchy time travel physics.
Winner: Edward
Werewolves:
In the camp of werewolves JCVD comes up against Jacob. This one really isn’t fair. JCVD is a full grown man who is not only gorgeous, but excels at both boot to face and the splits. All Jacob has going for him is severe angst and extreme musculature.
Winner: JCVD
Angsty Possibilities:
Edward loves you, but refuses to be with you. JCVD loves you, but is near death, recovering from death, causing death, or signing your death warrant a.k.a. the marriage license. Both are tortured--Edward because he thinks he’s lost his soul and JCVD because his wife/brother/child/mentor/friend has recently died, and neither is ready to commit to eternity either for personal reasons (robbing you of your soul) or vengeful ones (justice must be found before sexy time can happen). In both relationships your life will be in danger, either from other supernatural creatures or drug lords. And while Edward has a good fifty years of brooding on dear JCVD, JCVD cries more--usually while drinking.
Winner: Tie
Conclusion:
I think it has to come down to how long you want your love to last, and, more importantly, if you want marriage to be a part of it. If wedding bells make up your vision you might want to stick with Edward, you’ll never see your family again, but at least you’ll be alive--sort of. But if you want to be loved like no woman has ever been loved and have sexy time instead of enforced chastity there’s really only one way to go: JCVD. And, probably if you never technically got married you could live a long happy life together.
We should begin a petition for a JCVD movie where he is a werewolf. Why has no one thought of this idea?!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Maximum Risk
“You’ve gotten a lot harder since you went away.”
Overall VD Rating: 7
Directed by Ringo Lam, the notorious director of In Hell, this movie was surprising in it’s ability to not suck. There was literal boot to face; there was a towel fight between titans of Greek Adonis proportions, and there was Natasha Henstridge looking painfully beautiful. Though, even when she’s not trying to eat men alive she still has an oddly disturbing predatory look about her.
JCVD Exposure: 7
The movie starts with him running; it’s really an excellent way to begin things. Furthermore, at one point he is wet, naked, and fighting. That’s a trifecta of hotness right there. Also, the excellent decision to make him French instead of from Louisiana allowed for his acting skills to shine; he wasn’t expected to be a cocky American, which JCVD has shown time and time again he simply doesn’t do well. Instead he was a quiet, understated, ass-kicking marksman from France. Totally believable. He cries in this one as well, though this time it is over his dead brother instead of his dead wife. JCVD is always crying over a dead somebody.
On the plus side there was sexy time in a bathroom while crooked FBI agents were outside the door. What we have proven here is that sex is best when your life is in danger. And with JCVD.
He is also the master of the “I’m gonna kick your ass” face. Hot.
Unfortunately there was also naked accordion playing by an old man--not hot.
JCVD Boot to Face: 7
There was, as stated above, a moment when JCVD’s boot literally met somebody’s face. We’ve never seen a more beautiful expression of JCVD’s abilities. The fighting was both well executed and entertaining. This was an action movie not a martial arts movie, but it balances itself well, making good use of JCVD’s fighting skills and things that go BOOM!
Also, there was the towel fight. JCVD meets the Russian mob and he ends up in a towel in a sweat room...cause that’s what happens when you meet the Russian mob. This paves the way, however, for a Russian muscle man who was also beautiful, to fight JCVD--each in a towel only, and each glistening with sweat. Cause they were in a sweat room. Well done Ringo, well done. We should mention the actors were placed in towel-like diapers to prevent unintentional ball shots while kicking; we felt that was a breaking of trust between the movie and the viewer.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7
Natasha Henstridge was stupid beautiful. We both agree she’s better with blond hair (they gave her reddish brown hair for this film) but she is, by far, the most attractive female JCVD has played opposite. She also created a believable, entertaining character that didn’t just scream and whine her way through the movie. We both said thank you. She demonstrated an independence and kinkiness that was hot, without crossing over into sketchy evilness like Lionheart or Double Impact.
The Russians were also entertaining in this movie.
JCVD lesson: Do not waste time on parlay when it comes to the Russian mob. Kick first, ask questions later.
There was also a nice change from the sax music of the late 80’s to guitar music signifying tender emotions. In some ways this is the best part about leaving the 80’s behind.
Overall this movie was a nice surprise. Well written--there were unexpected meta-theatrical moments involving the writer cab driver and the Russian mob boss reading Crime and Punishment, and well acted--JCVD is simply better when not attempting American sarcasm. It’s the John Wayne hero archetype that he cannot pull off; just let the man be a European butt kicker.
We would like to offer our apologies to the South of France and all street vendors. They were totally destroyed in the making of this movie.
Overall VD Rating: 7
Directed by Ringo Lam, the notorious director of In Hell, this movie was surprising in it’s ability to not suck. There was literal boot to face; there was a towel fight between titans of Greek Adonis proportions, and there was Natasha Henstridge looking painfully beautiful. Though, even when she’s not trying to eat men alive she still has an oddly disturbing predatory look about her.
JCVD Exposure: 7
The movie starts with him running; it’s really an excellent way to begin things. Furthermore, at one point he is wet, naked, and fighting. That’s a trifecta of hotness right there. Also, the excellent decision to make him French instead of from Louisiana allowed for his acting skills to shine; he wasn’t expected to be a cocky American, which JCVD has shown time and time again he simply doesn’t do well. Instead he was a quiet, understated, ass-kicking marksman from France. Totally believable. He cries in this one as well, though this time it is over his dead brother instead of his dead wife. JCVD is always crying over a dead somebody.
On the plus side there was sexy time in a bathroom while crooked FBI agents were outside the door. What we have proven here is that sex is best when your life is in danger. And with JCVD.
He is also the master of the “I’m gonna kick your ass” face. Hot.
Unfortunately there was also naked accordion playing by an old man--not hot.
JCVD Boot to Face: 7
There was, as stated above, a moment when JCVD’s boot literally met somebody’s face. We’ve never seen a more beautiful expression of JCVD’s abilities. The fighting was both well executed and entertaining. This was an action movie not a martial arts movie, but it balances itself well, making good use of JCVD’s fighting skills and things that go BOOM!
Also, there was the towel fight. JCVD meets the Russian mob and he ends up in a towel in a sweat room...cause that’s what happens when you meet the Russian mob. This paves the way, however, for a Russian muscle man who was also beautiful, to fight JCVD--each in a towel only, and each glistening with sweat. Cause they were in a sweat room. Well done Ringo, well done. We should mention the actors were placed in towel-like diapers to prevent unintentional ball shots while kicking; we felt that was a breaking of trust between the movie and the viewer.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7
Natasha Henstridge was stupid beautiful. We both agree she’s better with blond hair (they gave her reddish brown hair for this film) but she is, by far, the most attractive female JCVD has played opposite. She also created a believable, entertaining character that didn’t just scream and whine her way through the movie. We both said thank you. She demonstrated an independence and kinkiness that was hot, without crossing over into sketchy evilness like Lionheart or Double Impact.
The Russians were also entertaining in this movie.
JCVD lesson: Do not waste time on parlay when it comes to the Russian mob. Kick first, ask questions later.
There was also a nice change from the sax music of the late 80’s to guitar music signifying tender emotions. In some ways this is the best part about leaving the 80’s behind.
Overall this movie was a nice surprise. Well written--there were unexpected meta-theatrical moments involving the writer cab driver and the Russian mob boss reading Crime and Punishment, and well acted--JCVD is simply better when not attempting American sarcasm. It’s the John Wayne hero archetype that he cannot pull off; just let the man be a European butt kicker.
We would like to offer our apologies to the South of France and all street vendors. They were totally destroyed in the making of this movie.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
In Hell
This movie cannot be rated by the VD Rating system.
In Hell leaves one shell shocked and without any notion how to proceed. There is nothing that can be labeled “fantasy” about this film; it is all unmitigated reality. To call this film dark doesn’t begin to do it justice--it’s brutal, violent, and vicious. It’s a beautiful movie. Unforgiving, well acted, and violence that is portrayed not gratuitously but realistically, however, watching this movie is in no way an enjoyable experience.
This film offers a scathing critique of power structures and abuses inherent therein. We cannot offer an exposure category because while JCVD is arguably at his best acting wise (we would even say on par with JCVD) the human body is shown as a thing of weakness and bestiality in parts. Those that refuse to wield their bodies as weapons are brutalized and those that chose to fight lose their humanity.
For the same reason we cannot offer a boot to face category because the violence is in no way glorified. Violence in this film serves as a marker of evil; it is the beastial side of people that serves no purpose but to destroy others as opposed to the typical JCVD movie where physical prowess is his identity. In this movie, him achieving peak physical perfection is the beginning of his loss of humanity. Pacifism is the only way to maintain human identity.
In fact, it is only when the prisoners stop fighting each other and the guards that their humanity is revealed and an aspect of society that most would like to ignore is revealed: triumph and power does not have to be related to destruction and debasement. Nobility does not have to come from dominance. The prisoners are at their most human when not fighting. The assumption that ultimately everything comes down to who can kill the other person is totally annihilated in this movie because the prison guards think they have assured victory when they release the crazy giant on JCVD, but they neglected to realize that even someone so insane is still human. JCVD ultimately triumphs not by physical defeat, but by human interaction.
The effect of others would be an insulting category to pursue because this movie isn’t about how others reflect on us, but instead on how we use others to lie to ourselves. By othering those we destroy we convince ourselves of our civilization instead of recognizing the horrors that we are perpetuating.
Then there was the man known only as 451. He is the avenging angel of this film, the moral center. The first introduction to his character is him writing his observations of the prison; he is the narrator of the film, a part of it but removed from it. He is also one of the most violent characters, but unlike the others his violence is committed for no reason other than his own moral code--a code that is revealed to be the viewer’s code by the end. Without this realization he is just a brutal killer, but once it becomes apparent that he murders others not for pleasure, sport, or power, but to punish and avenge those that have been destroyed the judgment that seemed to come so easily on his character is challenged. Can it ever be good to kill evil? Pacifism provides power to the powerless, but it is the violence of 451 reveals the necessity for justice and brings the evil to the surface and deals with it.
This movie is incredibly paradoxical. Violence is awful, but sometimes necessary--one could even say right. Power corrupts absolutely, but powerlessness can destroy humanity. JCVD refuses to fight, but still stands up to be hit again. This movie is about that “last inch;” our integrity, the one thing no one can take from us without our willingness to gift it. We cannot always stop the brutalization of our bodies by others, but we can chose not to be destroyed by it. The characterization of the prisoners reveals the facets of their identity in a subtle, powerful way. JCVD’s attack on a rapist reveals he is not a man to accept the abuse of others. The revelation of 451 as a young boy, reading in class and then sexually abused by his professor offers explanation for his situation and dimension to his pursuit of justice. The movie doesn’t deal in archetypes and stock characters, but instead shows that each individual is responsible for their identity and integrity.
This is not a movie about heroes, anti-heroes, or villains; this is a movie about men and how beautiful and horrible being a man can be.
At the end of it all, though, this was still a JCVD movie. Despite the horror, the disturbing images, and the commentary on humanity we were able to find relief in one small truth:
If you marry JCVD you will die.
In Hell leaves one shell shocked and without any notion how to proceed. There is nothing that can be labeled “fantasy” about this film; it is all unmitigated reality. To call this film dark doesn’t begin to do it justice--it’s brutal, violent, and vicious. It’s a beautiful movie. Unforgiving, well acted, and violence that is portrayed not gratuitously but realistically, however, watching this movie is in no way an enjoyable experience.
This film offers a scathing critique of power structures and abuses inherent therein. We cannot offer an exposure category because while JCVD is arguably at his best acting wise (we would even say on par with JCVD) the human body is shown as a thing of weakness and bestiality in parts. Those that refuse to wield their bodies as weapons are brutalized and those that chose to fight lose their humanity.
For the same reason we cannot offer a boot to face category because the violence is in no way glorified. Violence in this film serves as a marker of evil; it is the beastial side of people that serves no purpose but to destroy others as opposed to the typical JCVD movie where physical prowess is his identity. In this movie, him achieving peak physical perfection is the beginning of his loss of humanity. Pacifism is the only way to maintain human identity.
In fact, it is only when the prisoners stop fighting each other and the guards that their humanity is revealed and an aspect of society that most would like to ignore is revealed: triumph and power does not have to be related to destruction and debasement. Nobility does not have to come from dominance. The prisoners are at their most human when not fighting. The assumption that ultimately everything comes down to who can kill the other person is totally annihilated in this movie because the prison guards think they have assured victory when they release the crazy giant on JCVD, but they neglected to realize that even someone so insane is still human. JCVD ultimately triumphs not by physical defeat, but by human interaction.
The effect of others would be an insulting category to pursue because this movie isn’t about how others reflect on us, but instead on how we use others to lie to ourselves. By othering those we destroy we convince ourselves of our civilization instead of recognizing the horrors that we are perpetuating.
Then there was the man known only as 451. He is the avenging angel of this film, the moral center. The first introduction to his character is him writing his observations of the prison; he is the narrator of the film, a part of it but removed from it. He is also one of the most violent characters, but unlike the others his violence is committed for no reason other than his own moral code--a code that is revealed to be the viewer’s code by the end. Without this realization he is just a brutal killer, but once it becomes apparent that he murders others not for pleasure, sport, or power, but to punish and avenge those that have been destroyed the judgment that seemed to come so easily on his character is challenged. Can it ever be good to kill evil? Pacifism provides power to the powerless, but it is the violence of 451 reveals the necessity for justice and brings the evil to the surface and deals with it.
This movie is incredibly paradoxical. Violence is awful, but sometimes necessary--one could even say right. Power corrupts absolutely, but powerlessness can destroy humanity. JCVD refuses to fight, but still stands up to be hit again. This movie is about that “last inch;” our integrity, the one thing no one can take from us without our willingness to gift it. We cannot always stop the brutalization of our bodies by others, but we can chose not to be destroyed by it. The characterization of the prisoners reveals the facets of their identity in a subtle, powerful way. JCVD’s attack on a rapist reveals he is not a man to accept the abuse of others. The revelation of 451 as a young boy, reading in class and then sexually abused by his professor offers explanation for his situation and dimension to his pursuit of justice. The movie doesn’t deal in archetypes and stock characters, but instead shows that each individual is responsible for their identity and integrity.
This is not a movie about heroes, anti-heroes, or villains; this is a movie about men and how beautiful and horrible being a man can be.
At the end of it all, though, this was still a JCVD movie. Despite the horror, the disturbing images, and the commentary on humanity we were able to find relief in one small truth:
If you marry JCVD you will die.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Quest
It’s a Bloodsport, Rocky, Kickboxer mash-up with a little 1925 Tibet thrown in for spice.
Overall VD Rating: 5
We should admit after Desert Heat our standards have changed. We’re so happy when something isn’t Desert Heat that it’s hard to tell how much our enjoyment actually stems from the movie. Also, following Streetfighter we’re happy for anything that doesn’t put us to sleep. Obviously our JCVD relationship is out of the honeymoon period.
JCVD Exposure: 6
This category suffers because even though it is set in 1925 he still fights in shorts, hiking boots, and socks. Why do the costume people do this to us?!
On the positive side, he is exceptionally ripped in this movie. And, due to the heavy emphasis on fighting, he is also sweaty. Furthermore, he is dressed once again in the page boy cap and it has been decided that when wife beaters are unavailable, JCVD should always dress like it’s 1925. We’re waiting for Prince to write a song about that.
His emotive opportunities were...shall we say schizophrenic? But, his acting was bad per say; the problem was this movie was twenty or so short films edited together to make one Greek epic. The Quest could be retitled JCVD’s Odyssey. The only real difference between Chris Dubouis (JCVD’s character) and Odysseus is that Chris has less sex. Unfortunately. Why are we consistently denied sexy time and given bad costume choices?! We don’t ask for much, just a little. Isn’t love supposed to be about compromise?
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 6
He hits people with a cane. He kicks people with a stilt. Then he learns Muay Thai. He fights while nondescriptly old before we flash back to his “prime” and watch him fight some more. Also, the fights between the other fighters were excellently executed and created a superior boot to face atmosphere. This movie is supposed to be a martial arts epic and terms of fighting it succeeds fairly well. In this case it was the plot (or lack thereof) that brought things down. If we could take half of Streetfighter and mix it in with The Quest we might have the greatest JCVD movie EVER.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 3
This category suffers because no one ever seems to have a significant role in the movie. Roger Moore shows up as the backstabbing, enslaving, ne’er do well British lord who saves then enslaves JCVD, like you do, and never really grows as a character.
The bad guy is Attilla from Lionheart and while we get a much better idea of his fighting abilities and significantly more fulfilling end battle between him and JCVD, it still feels like Bolo and Frank out of Bloodsport. We couldn’t even have a battle of the pectorals because it’s hard to be scared of a man who fights in a skirt/pant combination.
There were kids for a total of five minutes. JCVD took care of orphans/put them danger/made them steal--savior or exploiter? You be the judge.
The woman was a reporter again and...yeah. She was on screen approximately twenty minutes. She would have been more interesting if somebody would have killed her.
One of the other fighters was one of JCVD’s enslavers and yet when he’s killed JCVD is heartbroken again, ala Bloodsport/Kickboxer. We didn’t even know he liked the guy until he let out a patented JCVD emotive scream “NO!”
Yeah.
Other Mentionables:
Frank Dux (remember him from Bloodsport?) helped write the story alongside JCVD; that might explain why the fighting was so good and why the movie looked and felt exactly like Bloodsport. It’s possible we broke out into “Kumatai!” multiple times.
This movie was also directed by Mr. JCVD himself. He didn’t do a bad job, but he seemed to have a hard time with his camera angles and his sweeping panoramic shots were more like quick head nods. Overall, though, it could have been much, much worse. See Desert Heat or Streetfighter.
Overall, we both agreed that if we had caught this movie on TBS some Saturday afternoon we totally would have watched it and enjoyed it. Probably not tried to understand it; more, stare at the muscles as people kick the crap out each other in Tibet. Everything is cooler in Tibet.
And we learned some excellent life lessons from this film. They are, in no particular order:
1) It is an ineffectual fighting style to stand still while someone kicks you in the face
2) Stealing a large golden dragon with a blimp complete with spot light is NOT sneaky. Furthermore, you are using the only getaway vehicle which can be shot down with a crossbow. Something to anticipate when stealing things in Tibet circa 1925.
3) The nut-twist is not okay. But if he’s wearing a kilt he’s kind of asking for it.
4) Should your car ever break down in a foreign country, rest assured that there will always be elephants/camels/horses or some combination of all three just waiting for you to ride them to your destination.
We leave you with this wisdom to enrich your life.
Overall VD Rating: 5
We should admit after Desert Heat our standards have changed. We’re so happy when something isn’t Desert Heat that it’s hard to tell how much our enjoyment actually stems from the movie. Also, following Streetfighter we’re happy for anything that doesn’t put us to sleep. Obviously our JCVD relationship is out of the honeymoon period.
JCVD Exposure: 6
This category suffers because even though it is set in 1925 he still fights in shorts, hiking boots, and socks. Why do the costume people do this to us?!
On the positive side, he is exceptionally ripped in this movie. And, due to the heavy emphasis on fighting, he is also sweaty. Furthermore, he is dressed once again in the page boy cap and it has been decided that when wife beaters are unavailable, JCVD should always dress like it’s 1925. We’re waiting for Prince to write a song about that.
His emotive opportunities were...shall we say schizophrenic? But, his acting was bad per say; the problem was this movie was twenty or so short films edited together to make one Greek epic. The Quest could be retitled JCVD’s Odyssey. The only real difference between Chris Dubouis (JCVD’s character) and Odysseus is that Chris has less sex. Unfortunately. Why are we consistently denied sexy time and given bad costume choices?! We don’t ask for much, just a little. Isn’t love supposed to be about compromise?
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 6
He hits people with a cane. He kicks people with a stilt. Then he learns Muay Thai. He fights while nondescriptly old before we flash back to his “prime” and watch him fight some more. Also, the fights between the other fighters were excellently executed and created a superior boot to face atmosphere. This movie is supposed to be a martial arts epic and terms of fighting it succeeds fairly well. In this case it was the plot (or lack thereof) that brought things down. If we could take half of Streetfighter and mix it in with The Quest we might have the greatest JCVD movie EVER.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 3
This category suffers because no one ever seems to have a significant role in the movie. Roger Moore shows up as the backstabbing, enslaving, ne’er do well British lord who saves then enslaves JCVD, like you do, and never really grows as a character.
The bad guy is Attilla from Lionheart and while we get a much better idea of his fighting abilities and significantly more fulfilling end battle between him and JCVD, it still feels like Bolo and Frank out of Bloodsport. We couldn’t even have a battle of the pectorals because it’s hard to be scared of a man who fights in a skirt/pant combination.
There were kids for a total of five minutes. JCVD took care of orphans/put them danger/made them steal--savior or exploiter? You be the judge.
The woman was a reporter again and...yeah. She was on screen approximately twenty minutes. She would have been more interesting if somebody would have killed her.
One of the other fighters was one of JCVD’s enslavers and yet when he’s killed JCVD is heartbroken again, ala Bloodsport/Kickboxer. We didn’t even know he liked the guy until he let out a patented JCVD emotive scream “NO!”
Yeah.
Other Mentionables:
Frank Dux (remember him from Bloodsport?) helped write the story alongside JCVD; that might explain why the fighting was so good and why the movie looked and felt exactly like Bloodsport. It’s possible we broke out into “Kumatai!” multiple times.
This movie was also directed by Mr. JCVD himself. He didn’t do a bad job, but he seemed to have a hard time with his camera angles and his sweeping panoramic shots were more like quick head nods. Overall, though, it could have been much, much worse. See Desert Heat or Streetfighter.
Overall, we both agreed that if we had caught this movie on TBS some Saturday afternoon we totally would have watched it and enjoyed it. Probably not tried to understand it; more, stare at the muscles as people kick the crap out each other in Tibet. Everything is cooler in Tibet.
And we learned some excellent life lessons from this film. They are, in no particular order:
1) It is an ineffectual fighting style to stand still while someone kicks you in the face
2) Stealing a large golden dragon with a blimp complete with spot light is NOT sneaky. Furthermore, you are using the only getaway vehicle which can be shot down with a crossbow. Something to anticipate when stealing things in Tibet circa 1925.
3) The nut-twist is not okay. But if he’s wearing a kilt he’s kind of asking for it.
4) Should your car ever break down in a foreign country, rest assured that there will always be elephants/camels/horses or some combination of all three just waiting for you to ride them to your destination.
We leave you with this wisdom to enrich your life.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Street Fighter
Overall VD Rating: 4
Jess is irate with this movie. Kate was falling asleep. Overall it was the sort of failure that legends are made from--even the outtakes were boring. That was the biggest problem with this film; it was boring. Not as bad as Universal Soldier: The Return or even Desert Heat it was neither awful enough to laugh at or cheesy enough to enjoy. This movie was simply boring and lame.
JCVD Exposure: 3
This was an ensemble cast and like a picture of high school reunion there was no opportunity to zoom in on any one person. JCVD was hot enough when he was on screen; he was only on screen approximately thirty out of the one hundred minutes. Emotive opportunities were nill; at one point JCVD had a death scene, but even that was curiously lame.
This is the first JCVD movie to suffer from too much plot.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 3
The last forty minutes of the movie are kind of action oriented, but not really. Only the last fifteen minutes or so really pick up. The first hour is a bit like an exercise in hypnosis. How does a video game based entirely on fighting--FIGHTING--become a movie with so much plot even Stanley Kubrick would call for edits.
The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 6
This category is all about Raul Julia and his CRAZY eyes. There was a surprise visit by Kylie Minogue as Cami and the actor playing Ryu was refreshingly attractive. Again, it wasn’t that any aspect was bad, but that there was simply too much and not enough of what was great. You jump back and forth between the characters so fast and so often that you find yourself hoping someone will die just to whittle the cast down.
And let’s talk about Blanca. Blanca in the video game was a animal-man who grew up in the jungles of Brazil and was green with orange hair and electrocuted people cause that’s what happens when you grow up in the jungles of Brazil. In this movie he became the Incredible Hulk circa 1976 and we were all supposed to feel really bad about his monstrousness. BORING. We want us a jungle man who learned to electrocute from the eels!
This movie just begs the question: at what point did someone say “this is a good idea”? How did this happen? It’s like a fanny pack over spandex--it never has its year.
And--you can’t say “halt” in English with slightly Thai-esque font and expect it to pass for Thai. We’re just saying.
Jess is irate with this movie. Kate was falling asleep. Overall it was the sort of failure that legends are made from--even the outtakes were boring. That was the biggest problem with this film; it was boring. Not as bad as Universal Soldier: The Return or even Desert Heat it was neither awful enough to laugh at or cheesy enough to enjoy. This movie was simply boring and lame.
JCVD Exposure: 3
This was an ensemble cast and like a picture of high school reunion there was no opportunity to zoom in on any one person. JCVD was hot enough when he was on screen; he was only on screen approximately thirty out of the one hundred minutes. Emotive opportunities were nill; at one point JCVD had a death scene, but even that was curiously lame.
This is the first JCVD movie to suffer from too much plot.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 3
The last forty minutes of the movie are kind of action oriented, but not really. Only the last fifteen minutes or so really pick up. The first hour is a bit like an exercise in hypnosis. How does a video game based entirely on fighting--FIGHTING--become a movie with so much plot even Stanley Kubrick would call for edits.
The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 6
This category is all about Raul Julia and his CRAZY eyes. There was a surprise visit by Kylie Minogue as Cami and the actor playing Ryu was refreshingly attractive. Again, it wasn’t that any aspect was bad, but that there was simply too much and not enough of what was great. You jump back and forth between the characters so fast and so often that you find yourself hoping someone will die just to whittle the cast down.
And let’s talk about Blanca. Blanca in the video game was a animal-man who grew up in the jungles of Brazil and was green with orange hair and electrocuted people cause that’s what happens when you grow up in the jungles of Brazil. In this movie he became the Incredible Hulk circa 1976 and we were all supposed to feel really bad about his monstrousness. BORING. We want us a jungle man who learned to electrocute from the eels!
This movie just begs the question: at what point did someone say “this is a good idea”? How did this happen? It’s like a fanny pack over spandex--it never has its year.
And--you can’t say “halt” in English with slightly Thai-esque font and expect it to pass for Thai. We’re just saying.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Death Warrant
“I give you a little. You taste it. That’s how it works.”
Overall VD Rating: 6 (5 +1 for Star Trek reference/not being Desert Heat)
This movie was an oddly confusing experience. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad. After the movie was over we decided part of the problem was the lack of transitions. In honor of that, we will summarize the movie using nouns and verbs only to simulate the viewing experience. JCVD’s character is named Louis Burke (we thought we should give you more help than we had).
Burke shoot Sandman. Burke talk politician. Burke meet woman. Burke go jail. Burke fight criminals. Burke talk woman. Guards beat criminals. People steal organs. Burke mate die. Burke go solitary. Burke get beat. Woman get harassed. Burke sex Woman. Sandman enter prison. Burke get chained. Burke get wet. Burke fall. Prisoner burn. Prison break. Burke fight Sandman. Sandman burn. Burke kick Sandman. Guard die. Burke cut Sandman. Sandman land nail. Sandman die. Burke exit. Hawkins saved. Burke kiss Woman. END.
Confused? Exactly.
JCVD Exposure: 5
He’s in a prison uniform, which he wears impressively well. He gets chained in a shower, and then his shirt gets ripped in half. Kate is a little distraught by Jess’ reaction to that scene. He also gets his shirt ripped off at the end, after fighting in a wife beater for a solid ten minutes. There was acceptable hotness in this movie. The acting wasn’t bad, but it’s hard to emote without transitions. Why are you doing that? Why did you go there? What the hell is your name? It’s sort of a like an unfortunate morning after experience. We had really hot sexy time, or sexy seduction rather, but again--I met you ONCE and then I went to jail undercover and talked to you twice and now I just can’t keep my hands off you...right. It’s not that we need a lot of explanation to accept our sexy time, but does five days in prison really make a man that desperate? It was odd.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5
Again, neither good nor bad. He roundhouse kicks; he punches. He hides on the ceiling. But nothing really makes you stop and rewind. It’s what we expect from a JCVD movie, but no more.
Kind of like the Cheerios of JCVD movies.
JCVD Boot to Face Lesson: There should be a mulcher in every JCVD movie; it’s the only way to truly ensure victory.
The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 5
The Sandman. He’s like this films boogie man, but it’s hard to be overly scared of someone you’re only confused by. This movie sort of disproves that you are afraid of that which you don’t know. We were just flabbergasted. Who this guy? Why is he scary? Nobody knows. We have to thank the Sandman, though, because he is directly responsible for JCVD being chained in the shower and ripping off JCVD’s shirt not once, but TWICE. It almost seemed like the sole purpose of this character was to augment JCVD’s hotness. Perhaps there is something Jungian to be explored there.
The Woman--we capitalize Woman because like almost everyone else we don’t know her name. In actuality the only reason we knew anybody’s name besides the Sandman was because we put on subtitles and rewound it. She was cool, but not worth that much effort. Her character was okay; she was smart, pretty, and fairly self-sufficient. She ends up helping him a little bit, which is more than can be said for Natasha from Hard Target. However, he doesn’t know her! Again, it’s hard to get to know someone without transitions. Woman looks stricken. Woman looks tough. What can a viewer make of that?
Then there was Hawkins; Hawkins managed to be both charismatic, dangerous, and loveable. Even though everything in the movie pointed towards him being a good guy, and indeed he turned out to be a good guy, there was a moment when his allegiance was believably in question. This might be the only thing this movie does particularly well.
Review done.
Overall VD Rating: 6 (5 +1 for Star Trek reference/not being Desert Heat)
This movie was an oddly confusing experience. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad. After the movie was over we decided part of the problem was the lack of transitions. In honor of that, we will summarize the movie using nouns and verbs only to simulate the viewing experience. JCVD’s character is named Louis Burke (we thought we should give you more help than we had).
Burke shoot Sandman. Burke talk politician. Burke meet woman. Burke go jail. Burke fight criminals. Burke talk woman. Guards beat criminals. People steal organs. Burke mate die. Burke go solitary. Burke get beat. Woman get harassed. Burke sex Woman. Sandman enter prison. Burke get chained. Burke get wet. Burke fall. Prisoner burn. Prison break. Burke fight Sandman. Sandman burn. Burke kick Sandman. Guard die. Burke cut Sandman. Sandman land nail. Sandman die. Burke exit. Hawkins saved. Burke kiss Woman. END.
Confused? Exactly.
JCVD Exposure: 5
He’s in a prison uniform, which he wears impressively well. He gets chained in a shower, and then his shirt gets ripped in half. Kate is a little distraught by Jess’ reaction to that scene. He also gets his shirt ripped off at the end, after fighting in a wife beater for a solid ten minutes. There was acceptable hotness in this movie. The acting wasn’t bad, but it’s hard to emote without transitions. Why are you doing that? Why did you go there? What the hell is your name? It’s sort of a like an unfortunate morning after experience. We had really hot sexy time, or sexy seduction rather, but again--I met you ONCE and then I went to jail undercover and talked to you twice and now I just can’t keep my hands off you...right. It’s not that we need a lot of explanation to accept our sexy time, but does five days in prison really make a man that desperate? It was odd.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5
Again, neither good nor bad. He roundhouse kicks; he punches. He hides on the ceiling. But nothing really makes you stop and rewind. It’s what we expect from a JCVD movie, but no more.
Kind of like the Cheerios of JCVD movies.
JCVD Boot to Face Lesson: There should be a mulcher in every JCVD movie; it’s the only way to truly ensure victory.
The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 5
The Sandman. He’s like this films boogie man, but it’s hard to be overly scared of someone you’re only confused by. This movie sort of disproves that you are afraid of that which you don’t know. We were just flabbergasted. Who this guy? Why is he scary? Nobody knows. We have to thank the Sandman, though, because he is directly responsible for JCVD being chained in the shower and ripping off JCVD’s shirt not once, but TWICE. It almost seemed like the sole purpose of this character was to augment JCVD’s hotness. Perhaps there is something Jungian to be explored there.
The Woman--we capitalize Woman because like almost everyone else we don’t know her name. In actuality the only reason we knew anybody’s name besides the Sandman was because we put on subtitles and rewound it. She was cool, but not worth that much effort. Her character was okay; she was smart, pretty, and fairly self-sufficient. She ends up helping him a little bit, which is more than can be said for Natasha from Hard Target. However, he doesn’t know her! Again, it’s hard to get to know someone without transitions. Woman looks stricken. Woman looks tough. What can a viewer make of that?
Then there was Hawkins; Hawkins managed to be both charismatic, dangerous, and loveable. Even though everything in the movie pointed towards him being a good guy, and indeed he turned out to be a good guy, there was a moment when his allegiance was believably in question. This might be the only thing this movie does particularly well.
Review done.
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