We went bowling Friday night. Cosmic bowling, in fact, and it was everything you could ever hope bowling to be and more. The first game passed fairly uneventfully, but the second game was where the action was. No less then you would expect, I gather, as both shenanigans, patience, and clumsiness need a little warm-up time.
The first roll of the second game I gauged my approach; I held my shiny green ball under my chin and stood, looking to all the world like I might be the sort of person that bowls a mean game. At least, that’s how I narrated my appearance in my head. Sometimes I like to imagine myself as a kind of rockstar, or at least schooled in the arts of Kung Fu. I began to move forward, stepping with my left foot, swinging the ball back, and then...both my knees hit the floor with all of my considerable weight and bowling force behind them as my arm continued to swing forward. The ball rocketed down the lane veering sharply to the left as my arms flew forward in something eerily like a Superman pose. My chest slammed down next creating a fully splayed picture of me, half of which was now lying in bowling grease.
There are moments in life where you don’t have the good fortune to belly flop while bowling in private. Sometime you bruise both knees and land in grease with the sort of graceless explosion of a sea lion jumping on land. When these moments come all you can do is laugh and hope that you won’t have to go to the emergency room with a busted knee because you fell down while bowling. A person wants to have been leaping out of the way of danger, narrowly missing an explosion after secretly saving the country, or, at the very least, have been diving for a falling baby. You don’t want to explain to the emergency room people that for one second you lost the ability to move without falling and were now broken because of it.
But I’ve recovered from my spill (mostly). It seems I must only suffer with two bruised knees and a carpal tunnel wrist that hates me when I bowl for a day or two before all will be well again. And I think to myself “what would JCVD do?” Would he give up on his bowling career? No. There would anger, gritting of teeth, and promises of revenge. There would be a training montage and screams of pain while he learned how to do the splits. Maybe you never knew the splits were needed when bowling, but JCVD would show us why. He would also lose his shirt in a freak bowling accident that would only enhance the awesomeness of his final bowl to victory.
I’m not going to learn how to do the splits and let’s hope I don’t lose my shirt, but I am going to make a triumphant return to bowling. And I will break 100. Because that, my friends, is how I roll. JCVD has shown me the way!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Ninja Assassin!
This will be our first guest blog. A movie such as Ninja Assassin (pronounced NINJA ASSASSIN!! with a crescendo starting soft and ending loud) deserves to be viewed, rated, and appreciated in light of something like the JCVD Project. After the movie ended Kate asked, “Do you think I would have liked this movie as much if we weren’t doing the JCVD Project?” and we both agreed that she probably wouldn’t. Watching JCVD’s movies has given us both a new appreciation for the martial arts movie and the sort of awesomeness that one can only find with men who know their boot to face.
Overall VD Rating: 9
This movie will also be the first film to be evaluated with the JCVD rating system that doesn’t star Mr. JCVD himself. We’re excited to apply our methodology to the great world of cinema.
JCVD (Ninja) Exposure: 10
He does a handstand on nails. SLOWLY. He throws shuriken without a shirt on, blindfolded. He consistently has his shirt ripped off, cut off, sliced off, just...off. And Raizu, the name of our beloved rogue ninja should have his shirt off all the time. Seriously.
And the emotive opportunities were not wasted either. In fact, his ability to convey emotion, sarcasm, and anger with little more than a facial twitch was both impressive and engaging. It was just one more reason to stare at him really hard. Sincerely, though, while there were aspects of the plot that were a bit clichéd and trite, the ninja acting was not one of them.
JCVD (Ninja) Boot to Face Action: 10
You wish you had seen this sort of boot to face action in the theater. If you haven’t yet you should go find the nearest cinema and experience it. There are ninja fighting ninja. There are ninja cutting off body parts. There are training montages (we LOVE the training montage); there are really cool weapons scenes. There is Raizu without a shirt kicking so much ass, you didn’t even know there was that much ass in the world to be kicked.
A lot of criticism has been leveled at this film for being so gory. While the gore was significant and enough to make the viewer cringe a little at first, it was neither gratuitous nor realistic. The effect wasn’t painful or disturbing like a Tarantino movie might be, but was instead something meta-theatrical like a video game. There are arms being chopped off and cherry red blood flying everywhere, but the viewer is really effectively situated in another world where the laws of physics and human anatomy don’t apply. You can enjoy the “gore-fest” as something necessary and entertaining to the story, therefore, without being disturbed or overwhelmed by the violence.
Also, while the ninja are certainly super-powered to some degree, there was no bad ninja flying. There was ninja jumping, ninja shadow-walking, ninja healing, and ninja ninja-ness, but no bad ninja flying. At no point did it feel like we were watching wire work on screen. It felt exciting, real, and superhuman.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s (Ninja’s) Awesomeness: 7
Mika, played by the same actress that portrayed Calypso in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, proved as good of an actress in a ninja movie was she was in a pirate movie. She was a believable Europol researcher who was too smart for her own good, decent under pressure, but totally unprepared for a ninja attack. Really, which of us is prepared for a ninja attack? Granted, if you know they’re after you and your building mysteriously loses power, you probably shouldn’t go in. It did allow her to meet Raizu, however, and frankly if we knew there was a chance we could meet him, we might risk ninja attack too.
He’s just that good.
The bad guy was also really well portrayed. He was oddly respectable even while clearly a monster. Child abuse doesn’t even begin to cover ninja training, and yet both us were saddened by the destruction of the clan by Europol at the end. It seemed unfair for ninja to be gunned down like fish in a barrel. They deserve to be defeated in hand to hand combat! Yes, we are aware that they kill babies for 100 pounds of gold, but the principle remains.
Overall if you like martial arts movies, action movies, fun movies, and especially hot movies, you should go see this film. It’s a good time. Don’t be surprised when all they do is fight, and don’t listen to the reviewers who criticize it because all they do is fight. That’s what the movie is supposed to do. That’s why they titled it Ninja Assassin instead of Ninja Cuddles a Rabbit.
JCVD Life Lesson #6: My Obsession With Hit Men Continues
This is the part of the JCVD Project that we all knew was coming but dreaded anyway. We even said it in our Mission Statement: self discovery and all that. But when I embarked on this little project, it never occurred to me that I would self discover my inappropriate attractions to such a degree.
First there was Dolph in Universal Soldier. Now, we can all agree that Dolph is a very attractive man, but he wears a necklace of ears around his neck in that movie. Ears. If anything should turn a person off I would think it a necklace of ears would be in the top three. Not me, though, oh no; sure, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be attracted. I knew it wasn’t healthy to be attracted. But you show me a topless Dolph Lundgren, even a crazy ear-necklace wearing Dolph Lundgren, and a small part of me can’t help but react. The sad thing is the mullet in Masters of the Universe does successfully repulse me; so do I be happy I’m appropriately turned off by mullets or sad that ear-necklaces don’t get the job done?
Then there are all the countless times Mr. JCVD himself gets strung up in his movies. Usually his arms are chained above his head and he’s beat up, hosed down, or beat up then hosed down. Again--his being tortured should not be hot and yet...there I sit, quietly, desperately hoping that Kate won’t notice my inappropriate attractions (and she always does, the wanker).
Finally there was Ninja Assassin. There will be a guest blog on this movie, probably very soon, but I have to talk about it a little bit here to make my point. Luckily for me Raizu is a good guy--he doesn’t kill innocent people...anymore. Unluckily for me Raizu does kill fellow ninjas, quite gruesomely, without a second glance. Now on the one hand a person could consider my latest obsession a healthier one as he is the hero of the story. But, I’m still slightly disturbed by my romantic predilections because rogue ninja or not, Raizu is one very dangerous, very broken man.
And so we come to the point of this revealing, embarrassing, disheartening revelation about what I’m looking for in a man: how do we, as viewers, tell the difference between fantasies that are harmless to engage in and fantasies that we should fight against with every breath of our existence?
I assume (and I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming this) that were I to meet a young, shirtless Dolph Lundgren with a necklace of ears around his neck I would not react with breathless anticipation. I assume (and please please PLEASE let me be right about this) that I would run the other way as fast as my chubby little legs would let me. I also assume that there is no context within which another human being might suffer genuine distress that I could find arousing.
But, moving away from the literal here, how do I make sure that the qualities in these examples that appeal to me--craziness and brokenness primarily--aren’t dictating my choices and decisions in my everyday interactions? Specifically it isn’t about the ears; the ears aren’t hot. But it is about Dolph portraying a character that is so delightfully crazy; there’s an independence in that sort of insanity I find appealing. What I worry about (and why we’re having this little conversation) is that by indulging my enjoyment of that independence I lessen my ability to recognize acceptable and unacceptable insanity in the real world.
I think, and please correct me if I’m wrong here, that the more time one engages in unacceptable fantasies the more likely it is the reality of those fantasies--painful, broken, destructive realities--will be accepted as appropriate relationship material. But, and this does point to at least some remnants of mental stability left in this crooked brain of mine, my sheer disgust of the character in Desert Heat demonstrates that it isn’t about looks. If it were a purely physical thing it wouldn’t matter what character JCVD played, I would accept it whole cloth every time. We know from our project that it matters very much which character JCVD plays; he is significantly more attractive in Nowhere to Run than Desert Heat. Hell, he’s more attractive in Hard Target than Desert Heat--though again, mullets are not an easy thing to get over.
Looks can’t be discounted, however; I find the Joker fascinating, but have no sexual attraction to him. It could be argued, therefore, that I find Dolph Lundgren attractive but have no sexual attraction for his character in Universal Soldier. That would be significantly unique for me as it almost always the characters I enjoy, not the actors (despite this little project) but if it were the man and not the character in the case of Universal Soldier at least I wouldn’t have to feel so bad about my libido. And it is also possible that were I in a more discerning state of mind while watching all of these movies I would be able to distinguish between appreciation and attraction; I appreciate the beauty of the actor versus the lack of attraction for the character.
Whatever the case, and the truth might be far more disturbing than has even been glossed on here, I bring this up because I worry sometimes that our joking attention to JCVD’s hotness could be confused with a serious equating of beauty and worth. I don’t think anyone needs me to point out that we value physical beauty primarily in our society, but as I consider the moments in my life where I allow physical beauty to over rule good sense it creates a dialogue in my head where I start to question why I am attracted to the things I am. And I would argue this is an important questioning to engage in.
If one is attracted to independence and unpredictability that’s not a bad thing--unless said independence and unpredictability take the form of a crazy man wearing a necklace of ears. Then you have to ask yourself the question, what is it about independence and unpredictability that really attracts me?
If one is attracted to vulnerability and mental anguish that’s slightly sketchy in general--what is it about a man whose emotionally broken and unable to engage in a healthy, stable relationship that myself (and millions of other women) find appealing in theory? If there is a legitimate possibility he will kill you while you sleep (Phantom from Phantom of the Opera) or leave you and never come back (rogue ninja) or will never be able to function in society without you (Luc from Universal Soldier) then there is a serious problem there. None of those things should be sexy.
And yet they are. But only in fantasy. In reality they are scary, destructive, and suffocating. At least that’s what I tell myself every day.
Seriously, though, I think it is as important to know why you are attracted to the things you are as it is not to feed the fantasies that might encourage dehumanizing others. It’s not fair to yourself or others to create inhuman or unhealthy expectations of someone and might lead to an unintentional, but still destructive, objectification of them.
I’m not gonna lie--it’s a serious pain in my ass to be an ethical, moral individual. Self awareness is so overrated.
First there was Dolph in Universal Soldier. Now, we can all agree that Dolph is a very attractive man, but he wears a necklace of ears around his neck in that movie. Ears. If anything should turn a person off I would think it a necklace of ears would be in the top three. Not me, though, oh no; sure, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be attracted. I knew it wasn’t healthy to be attracted. But you show me a topless Dolph Lundgren, even a crazy ear-necklace wearing Dolph Lundgren, and a small part of me can’t help but react. The sad thing is the mullet in Masters of the Universe does successfully repulse me; so do I be happy I’m appropriately turned off by mullets or sad that ear-necklaces don’t get the job done?
Then there are all the countless times Mr. JCVD himself gets strung up in his movies. Usually his arms are chained above his head and he’s beat up, hosed down, or beat up then hosed down. Again--his being tortured should not be hot and yet...there I sit, quietly, desperately hoping that Kate won’t notice my inappropriate attractions (and she always does, the wanker).
Finally there was Ninja Assassin. There will be a guest blog on this movie, probably very soon, but I have to talk about it a little bit here to make my point. Luckily for me Raizu is a good guy--he doesn’t kill innocent people...anymore. Unluckily for me Raizu does kill fellow ninjas, quite gruesomely, without a second glance. Now on the one hand a person could consider my latest obsession a healthier one as he is the hero of the story. But, I’m still slightly disturbed by my romantic predilections because rogue ninja or not, Raizu is one very dangerous, very broken man.
And so we come to the point of this revealing, embarrassing, disheartening revelation about what I’m looking for in a man: how do we, as viewers, tell the difference between fantasies that are harmless to engage in and fantasies that we should fight against with every breath of our existence?
I assume (and I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming this) that were I to meet a young, shirtless Dolph Lundgren with a necklace of ears around his neck I would not react with breathless anticipation. I assume (and please please PLEASE let me be right about this) that I would run the other way as fast as my chubby little legs would let me. I also assume that there is no context within which another human being might suffer genuine distress that I could find arousing.
But, moving away from the literal here, how do I make sure that the qualities in these examples that appeal to me--craziness and brokenness primarily--aren’t dictating my choices and decisions in my everyday interactions? Specifically it isn’t about the ears; the ears aren’t hot. But it is about Dolph portraying a character that is so delightfully crazy; there’s an independence in that sort of insanity I find appealing. What I worry about (and why we’re having this little conversation) is that by indulging my enjoyment of that independence I lessen my ability to recognize acceptable and unacceptable insanity in the real world.
I think, and please correct me if I’m wrong here, that the more time one engages in unacceptable fantasies the more likely it is the reality of those fantasies--painful, broken, destructive realities--will be accepted as appropriate relationship material. But, and this does point to at least some remnants of mental stability left in this crooked brain of mine, my sheer disgust of the character in Desert Heat demonstrates that it isn’t about looks. If it were a purely physical thing it wouldn’t matter what character JCVD played, I would accept it whole cloth every time. We know from our project that it matters very much which character JCVD plays; he is significantly more attractive in Nowhere to Run than Desert Heat. Hell, he’s more attractive in Hard Target than Desert Heat--though again, mullets are not an easy thing to get over.
Looks can’t be discounted, however; I find the Joker fascinating, but have no sexual attraction to him. It could be argued, therefore, that I find Dolph Lundgren attractive but have no sexual attraction for his character in Universal Soldier. That would be significantly unique for me as it almost always the characters I enjoy, not the actors (despite this little project) but if it were the man and not the character in the case of Universal Soldier at least I wouldn’t have to feel so bad about my libido. And it is also possible that were I in a more discerning state of mind while watching all of these movies I would be able to distinguish between appreciation and attraction; I appreciate the beauty of the actor versus the lack of attraction for the character.
Whatever the case, and the truth might be far more disturbing than has even been glossed on here, I bring this up because I worry sometimes that our joking attention to JCVD’s hotness could be confused with a serious equating of beauty and worth. I don’t think anyone needs me to point out that we value physical beauty primarily in our society, but as I consider the moments in my life where I allow physical beauty to over rule good sense it creates a dialogue in my head where I start to question why I am attracted to the things I am. And I would argue this is an important questioning to engage in.
If one is attracted to independence and unpredictability that’s not a bad thing--unless said independence and unpredictability take the form of a crazy man wearing a necklace of ears. Then you have to ask yourself the question, what is it about independence and unpredictability that really attracts me?
If one is attracted to vulnerability and mental anguish that’s slightly sketchy in general--what is it about a man whose emotionally broken and unable to engage in a healthy, stable relationship that myself (and millions of other women) find appealing in theory? If there is a legitimate possibility he will kill you while you sleep (Phantom from Phantom of the Opera) or leave you and never come back (rogue ninja) or will never be able to function in society without you (Luc from Universal Soldier) then there is a serious problem there. None of those things should be sexy.
And yet they are. But only in fantasy. In reality they are scary, destructive, and suffocating. At least that’s what I tell myself every day.
Seriously, though, I think it is as important to know why you are attracted to the things you are as it is not to feed the fantasies that might encourage dehumanizing others. It’s not fair to yourself or others to create inhuman or unhealthy expectations of someone and might lead to an unintentional, but still destructive, objectification of them.
I’m not gonna lie--it’s a serious pain in my ass to be an ethical, moral individual. Self awareness is so overrated.
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