Ninja Assassin!

This will be our first guest blog. A movie such as Ninja Assassin (pronounced NINJA ASSASSIN!! with a crescendo starting soft and ending loud) deserves to be viewed, rated, and appreciated in light of something like the JCVD Project. After the movie ended Kate asked, “Do you think I would have liked this movie as much if we weren’t doing the JCVD Project?” and we both agreed that she probably wouldn’t. Watching JCVD’s movies has given us both a new appreciation for the martial arts movie and the sort of awesomeness that one can only find with men who know their boot to face.

Overall VD Rating: 9

This movie will also be the first film to be evaluated with the JCVD rating system that doesn’t star Mr. JCVD himself. We’re excited to apply our methodology to the great world of cinema.

JCVD (Ninja) Exposure: 10

He does a handstand on nails. SLOWLY. He throws shuriken without a shirt on, blindfolded. He consistently has his shirt ripped off, cut off, sliced off, just...off. And Raizu, the name of our beloved rogue ninja should have his shirt off all the time. Seriously.

And the emotive opportunities were not wasted either. In fact, his ability to convey emotion, sarcasm, and anger with little more than a facial twitch was both impressive and engaging. It was just one more reason to stare at him really hard. Sincerely, though, while there were aspects of the plot that were a bit clichéd and trite, the ninja acting was not one of them.

JCVD (Ninja) Boot to Face Action: 10

You wish you had seen this sort of boot to face action in the theater. If you haven’t yet you should go find the nearest cinema and experience it. There are ninja fighting ninja. There are ninja cutting off body parts. There are training montages (we LOVE the training montage); there are really cool weapons scenes. There is Raizu without a shirt kicking so much ass, you didn’t even know there was that much ass in the world to be kicked.

A lot of criticism has been leveled at this film for being so gory. While the gore was significant and enough to make the viewer cringe a little at first, it was neither gratuitous nor realistic. The effect wasn’t painful or disturbing like a Tarantino movie might be, but was instead something meta-theatrical like a video game. There are arms being chopped off and cherry red blood flying everywhere, but the viewer is really effectively situated in another world where the laws of physics and human anatomy don’t apply. You can enjoy the “gore-fest” as something necessary and entertaining to the story, therefore, without being disturbed or overwhelmed by the violence.

Also, while the ninja are certainly super-powered to some degree, there was no bad ninja flying. There was ninja jumping, ninja shadow-walking, ninja healing, and ninja ninja-ness, but no bad ninja flying. At no point did it feel like we were watching wire work on screen. It felt exciting, real, and superhuman.

The Effect of Others on JCVD’s (Ninja’s) Awesomeness: 7

Mika, played by the same actress that portrayed Calypso in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, proved as good of an actress in a ninja movie was she was in a pirate movie. She was a believable Europol researcher who was too smart for her own good, decent under pressure, but totally unprepared for a ninja attack. Really, which of us is prepared for a ninja attack? Granted, if you know they’re after you and your building mysteriously loses power, you probably shouldn’t go in. It did allow her to meet Raizu, however, and frankly if we knew there was a chance we could meet him, we might risk ninja attack too.

He’s just that good.

The bad guy was also really well portrayed. He was oddly respectable even while clearly a monster. Child abuse doesn’t even begin to cover ninja training, and yet both us were saddened by the destruction of the clan by Europol at the end. It seemed unfair for ninja to be gunned down like fish in a barrel. They deserve to be defeated in hand to hand combat! Yes, we are aware that they kill babies for 100 pounds of gold, but the principle remains.

Overall if you like martial arts movies, action movies, fun movies, and especially hot movies, you should go see this film. It’s a good time. Don’t be surprised when all they do is fight, and don’t listen to the reviewers who criticize it because all they do is fight. That’s what the movie is supposed to do. That’s why they titled it Ninja Assassin instead of Ninja Cuddles a Rabbit.