Overall VD Rating: 5
We didn’t hate it as much as we thought we would hate it. We didn’t hate Dennis Rodman as much as we thought we would hate him. He was surprisingly charming. But there were basketball metaphors. We mean, JCVD and Rodman fell out of the sky and were saved by an inflatable ball. We haven’t been disappointed by balls this much since we were sixteen.
JCVD Exposure: 7 - 1 = 6
We should explain our score here: things started out well. JCVD was shirtless in a pool (that means he was wet) and loving on his wife (WHO DIDN’T DIE!) and then shirtless in bandages and shirtless while training and shirtless while doing pull-ups…and then it was like the director said “okay, no more shirtless.” This had the effect of a striptease where he puts his clothes back on for the final “show.”
Mickey Rourke (Mickey Rourke was in this movie; do we think he used this experience to fuel his oscar worthy Wrestler performance?) was thoughtful enough to take his shirt off for the end. And we said thank you. But as wonderful as Mickey Rourke and his 9 ½ week abs were, the villain should not be shirtless when the hero is wearing multiple layers. Dennis Rodman took his shirt off too, but what did JCVD do? He ran around in a tank top and over shirt wearing Converse! Sometimes with a fur vest. That’s like two points off the top right there.
Fur vest vs. mullet? This is how dreams die.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5
There was a roundhouse kick off a counter while sliding on coke cans. There was excellent training montage where he deadlifts a bathtub full of water ala Rocky IV and flexes like the Mr. Universe panel of judges is watching. We said well done sir!
Too many guns and explosions, however. THEY BLOW UP THE COLOSSEUM. Which is apparently flammable based on the giant fireball that erupted from a few landmines.
And Kate would like to emphasize the grotesque inappropriateness of removing your thumb print with a scalpel and gluing it to an eraser. Jess was just impressed the band-aid stayed on. This was a pretty impressive band-aid: It survived swimming through the ocean, complete with underwater fight, punching through boards, being JCVD hanging off the back of a package being towed by an airplane, falling through sky and landing in a basketball parachute…this was like the duct tape of band-aids. We can’t even get a band-aid to last the day. Perhaps further proof of JCVD’s awesomeness?
This band-aid proves his god-like quality.
The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 4
This was not Dennis Rodman’s fault! Yes. We were shocked too. However, the plot was really bad. Like, Kickboxer bad. Kate thinks its worse and that tells you just how bad it is.
But the basketball metaphors were tremendous. There was offensive and defensive and 5 pointers and airballs and shooting and parachutes…it was just all bad. Whoever thought that was a good idea probably voted for George Bush. (Both of them.)
Dennis Rodman was good, though; he was quirky, his hair changed color every other scene (that’s not an exaggeration) and he was, overall, as much fun in the movie as he was in his basketball games.
We should probably admit we both hate basketball. That might explain our virulent reactions to the basketball references. (It’s not a real sport if you don’t hit each other.)
The wife was well played; we’re pretty excited she survived. It gives us hope for the future. She does give birth to a 30 pound baby…we bet that hurt. Why do movie producers think you can show a 4 month old and all the female viewers aren’t going to grab their crotch and say “there is no way that thing could come out of you without causing death!” No wonder there were so many scalpels hanging around during the birthing scene. Gotta cut that thing loose!
(Jess is having a seizure from the thought of this.)
Apparently in movies babies gestate for just over a year. (It makes the vag twitch in agony. That is not an appropriate response to a JCVD movie.)
We could talk more about Mickey Rourke as the bad guy, but we already told you he took his shirt off and that’s really the only important part. Iron Man 2 this was not.
We recommend this movie with a volume of adult beverages or hallucinogenic drugs. That’s really about all that’s gonna make it okay.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Friends: "The One After the Superbowl"
Overall VD Rating: 7
We sat through a whole “double episode” to see no more than ten minutes of JCVD. But it was a glorious ten minutes. There were fatigues; there was a monkey. There was a friendship brought to the brink of ruin over their lust inspired by the power of JCVD.
JCVD Exposure: 7
He really wanted to have threesomes in this episode. One with Courtney Cox and Drew Barrymore. And then with Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston. We were sitting here wondering where our invite was.
Seriously, though, while the threesome talk was less than seductive, he does woo Jennifer Aniston and we have to say, this might be her best piece of acting work. It takes serious skill to get seduced by JCVD.
JCVD Boot to Face: 7
“I can crack a walnut with my butt.”
We think that explains it.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7
The girls are reduced to a fighting/clawing/flicking match over their jealousy and rage. Courtney Cox (a brunette) wants JCVD but has not the courage to talk to him. Jennifer Aniston (a blond) goes up for her friend, but then dates JCVD. Things can never be the same after a cataclysmic event such as that.
Kate (a blond) and Jess (a brunette) here by solemnly swear to take this meta-theatrical moment to heart and to take JCVD together or not at all!
Who knew Friends could be so enlightening?
We sat through a whole “double episode” to see no more than ten minutes of JCVD. But it was a glorious ten minutes. There were fatigues; there was a monkey. There was a friendship brought to the brink of ruin over their lust inspired by the power of JCVD.
JCVD Exposure: 7
He really wanted to have threesomes in this episode. One with Courtney Cox and Drew Barrymore. And then with Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston. We were sitting here wondering where our invite was.
Seriously, though, while the threesome talk was less than seductive, he does woo Jennifer Aniston and we have to say, this might be her best piece of acting work. It takes serious skill to get seduced by JCVD.
JCVD Boot to Face: 7
“I can crack a walnut with my butt.”
We think that explains it.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7
The girls are reduced to a fighting/clawing/flicking match over their jealousy and rage. Courtney Cox (a brunette) wants JCVD but has not the courage to talk to him. Jennifer Aniston (a blond) goes up for her friend, but then dates JCVD. Things can never be the same after a cataclysmic event such as that.
Kate (a blond) and Jess (a brunette) here by solemnly swear to take this meta-theatrical moment to heart and to take JCVD together or not at all!
Who knew Friends could be so enlightening?
Friday, January 1, 2010
Coming Soon in 2010
More JCVD! Kate and I have been on Christmas hiatus and while we watched a lot of movies, a discovery of Gene Kelly, an on-going affair with Cary Grant, and pledging of love to Gregory Peck slowed down the JCVD watching. Once again back on schedule, however, prepare yourself for Cyborg and Double Team. Lord knows Kate and I are attempting to...
Monday, December 14, 2009
JCVD Life Lesson #7: How to Fall Down at Bowling
We went bowling Friday night. Cosmic bowling, in fact, and it was everything you could ever hope bowling to be and more. The first game passed fairly uneventfully, but the second game was where the action was. No less then you would expect, I gather, as both shenanigans, patience, and clumsiness need a little warm-up time.
The first roll of the second game I gauged my approach; I held my shiny green ball under my chin and stood, looking to all the world like I might be the sort of person that bowls a mean game. At least, that’s how I narrated my appearance in my head. Sometimes I like to imagine myself as a kind of rockstar, or at least schooled in the arts of Kung Fu. I began to move forward, stepping with my left foot, swinging the ball back, and then...both my knees hit the floor with all of my considerable weight and bowling force behind them as my arm continued to swing forward. The ball rocketed down the lane veering sharply to the left as my arms flew forward in something eerily like a Superman pose. My chest slammed down next creating a fully splayed picture of me, half of which was now lying in bowling grease.
There are moments in life where you don’t have the good fortune to belly flop while bowling in private. Sometime you bruise both knees and land in grease with the sort of graceless explosion of a sea lion jumping on land. When these moments come all you can do is laugh and hope that you won’t have to go to the emergency room with a busted knee because you fell down while bowling. A person wants to have been leaping out of the way of danger, narrowly missing an explosion after secretly saving the country, or, at the very least, have been diving for a falling baby. You don’t want to explain to the emergency room people that for one second you lost the ability to move without falling and were now broken because of it.
But I’ve recovered from my spill (mostly). It seems I must only suffer with two bruised knees and a carpal tunnel wrist that hates me when I bowl for a day or two before all will be well again. And I think to myself “what would JCVD do?” Would he give up on his bowling career? No. There would anger, gritting of teeth, and promises of revenge. There would be a training montage and screams of pain while he learned how to do the splits. Maybe you never knew the splits were needed when bowling, but JCVD would show us why. He would also lose his shirt in a freak bowling accident that would only enhance the awesomeness of his final bowl to victory.
I’m not going to learn how to do the splits and let’s hope I don’t lose my shirt, but I am going to make a triumphant return to bowling. And I will break 100. Because that, my friends, is how I roll. JCVD has shown me the way!
The first roll of the second game I gauged my approach; I held my shiny green ball under my chin and stood, looking to all the world like I might be the sort of person that bowls a mean game. At least, that’s how I narrated my appearance in my head. Sometimes I like to imagine myself as a kind of rockstar, or at least schooled in the arts of Kung Fu. I began to move forward, stepping with my left foot, swinging the ball back, and then...both my knees hit the floor with all of my considerable weight and bowling force behind them as my arm continued to swing forward. The ball rocketed down the lane veering sharply to the left as my arms flew forward in something eerily like a Superman pose. My chest slammed down next creating a fully splayed picture of me, half of which was now lying in bowling grease.
There are moments in life where you don’t have the good fortune to belly flop while bowling in private. Sometime you bruise both knees and land in grease with the sort of graceless explosion of a sea lion jumping on land. When these moments come all you can do is laugh and hope that you won’t have to go to the emergency room with a busted knee because you fell down while bowling. A person wants to have been leaping out of the way of danger, narrowly missing an explosion after secretly saving the country, or, at the very least, have been diving for a falling baby. You don’t want to explain to the emergency room people that for one second you lost the ability to move without falling and were now broken because of it.
But I’ve recovered from my spill (mostly). It seems I must only suffer with two bruised knees and a carpal tunnel wrist that hates me when I bowl for a day or two before all will be well again. And I think to myself “what would JCVD do?” Would he give up on his bowling career? No. There would anger, gritting of teeth, and promises of revenge. There would be a training montage and screams of pain while he learned how to do the splits. Maybe you never knew the splits were needed when bowling, but JCVD would show us why. He would also lose his shirt in a freak bowling accident that would only enhance the awesomeness of his final bowl to victory.
I’m not going to learn how to do the splits and let’s hope I don’t lose my shirt, but I am going to make a triumphant return to bowling. And I will break 100. Because that, my friends, is how I roll. JCVD has shown me the way!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Ninja Assassin!
This will be our first guest blog. A movie such as Ninja Assassin (pronounced NINJA ASSASSIN!! with a crescendo starting soft and ending loud) deserves to be viewed, rated, and appreciated in light of something like the JCVD Project. After the movie ended Kate asked, “Do you think I would have liked this movie as much if we weren’t doing the JCVD Project?” and we both agreed that she probably wouldn’t. Watching JCVD’s movies has given us both a new appreciation for the martial arts movie and the sort of awesomeness that one can only find with men who know their boot to face.
Overall VD Rating: 9
This movie will also be the first film to be evaluated with the JCVD rating system that doesn’t star Mr. JCVD himself. We’re excited to apply our methodology to the great world of cinema.
JCVD (Ninja) Exposure: 10
He does a handstand on nails. SLOWLY. He throws shuriken without a shirt on, blindfolded. He consistently has his shirt ripped off, cut off, sliced off, just...off. And Raizu, the name of our beloved rogue ninja should have his shirt off all the time. Seriously.
And the emotive opportunities were not wasted either. In fact, his ability to convey emotion, sarcasm, and anger with little more than a facial twitch was both impressive and engaging. It was just one more reason to stare at him really hard. Sincerely, though, while there were aspects of the plot that were a bit clichéd and trite, the ninja acting was not one of them.
JCVD (Ninja) Boot to Face Action: 10
You wish you had seen this sort of boot to face action in the theater. If you haven’t yet you should go find the nearest cinema and experience it. There are ninja fighting ninja. There are ninja cutting off body parts. There are training montages (we LOVE the training montage); there are really cool weapons scenes. There is Raizu without a shirt kicking so much ass, you didn’t even know there was that much ass in the world to be kicked.
A lot of criticism has been leveled at this film for being so gory. While the gore was significant and enough to make the viewer cringe a little at first, it was neither gratuitous nor realistic. The effect wasn’t painful or disturbing like a Tarantino movie might be, but was instead something meta-theatrical like a video game. There are arms being chopped off and cherry red blood flying everywhere, but the viewer is really effectively situated in another world where the laws of physics and human anatomy don’t apply. You can enjoy the “gore-fest” as something necessary and entertaining to the story, therefore, without being disturbed or overwhelmed by the violence.
Also, while the ninja are certainly super-powered to some degree, there was no bad ninja flying. There was ninja jumping, ninja shadow-walking, ninja healing, and ninja ninja-ness, but no bad ninja flying. At no point did it feel like we were watching wire work on screen. It felt exciting, real, and superhuman.
The Effect of Others on JCVD’s (Ninja’s) Awesomeness: 7
Mika, played by the same actress that portrayed Calypso in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, proved as good of an actress in a ninja movie was she was in a pirate movie. She was a believable Europol researcher who was too smart for her own good, decent under pressure, but totally unprepared for a ninja attack. Really, which of us is prepared for a ninja attack? Granted, if you know they’re after you and your building mysteriously loses power, you probably shouldn’t go in. It did allow her to meet Raizu, however, and frankly if we knew there was a chance we could meet him, we might risk ninja attack too.
He’s just that good.
The bad guy was also really well portrayed. He was oddly respectable even while clearly a monster. Child abuse doesn’t even begin to cover ninja training, and yet both us were saddened by the destruction of the clan by Europol at the end. It seemed unfair for ninja to be gunned down like fish in a barrel. They deserve to be defeated in hand to hand combat! Yes, we are aware that they kill babies for 100 pounds of gold, but the principle remains.
Overall if you like martial arts movies, action movies, fun movies, and especially hot movies, you should go see this film. It’s a good time. Don’t be surprised when all they do is fight, and don’t listen to the reviewers who criticize it because all they do is fight. That’s what the movie is supposed to do. That’s why they titled it Ninja Assassin instead of Ninja Cuddles a Rabbit.
JCVD Life Lesson #6: My Obsession With Hit Men Continues
This is the part of the JCVD Project that we all knew was coming but dreaded anyway. We even said it in our Mission Statement: self discovery and all that. But when I embarked on this little project, it never occurred to me that I would self discover my inappropriate attractions to such a degree.
First there was Dolph in Universal Soldier. Now, we can all agree that Dolph is a very attractive man, but he wears a necklace of ears around his neck in that movie. Ears. If anything should turn a person off I would think it a necklace of ears would be in the top three. Not me, though, oh no; sure, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be attracted. I knew it wasn’t healthy to be attracted. But you show me a topless Dolph Lundgren, even a crazy ear-necklace wearing Dolph Lundgren, and a small part of me can’t help but react. The sad thing is the mullet in Masters of the Universe does successfully repulse me; so do I be happy I’m appropriately turned off by mullets or sad that ear-necklaces don’t get the job done?
Then there are all the countless times Mr. JCVD himself gets strung up in his movies. Usually his arms are chained above his head and he’s beat up, hosed down, or beat up then hosed down. Again--his being tortured should not be hot and yet...there I sit, quietly, desperately hoping that Kate won’t notice my inappropriate attractions (and she always does, the wanker).
Finally there was Ninja Assassin. There will be a guest blog on this movie, probably very soon, but I have to talk about it a little bit here to make my point. Luckily for me Raizu is a good guy--he doesn’t kill innocent people...anymore. Unluckily for me Raizu does kill fellow ninjas, quite gruesomely, without a second glance. Now on the one hand a person could consider my latest obsession a healthier one as he is the hero of the story. But, I’m still slightly disturbed by my romantic predilections because rogue ninja or not, Raizu is one very dangerous, very broken man.
And so we come to the point of this revealing, embarrassing, disheartening revelation about what I’m looking for in a man: how do we, as viewers, tell the difference between fantasies that are harmless to engage in and fantasies that we should fight against with every breath of our existence?
I assume (and I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming this) that were I to meet a young, shirtless Dolph Lundgren with a necklace of ears around his neck I would not react with breathless anticipation. I assume (and please please PLEASE let me be right about this) that I would run the other way as fast as my chubby little legs would let me. I also assume that there is no context within which another human being might suffer genuine distress that I could find arousing.
But, moving away from the literal here, how do I make sure that the qualities in these examples that appeal to me--craziness and brokenness primarily--aren’t dictating my choices and decisions in my everyday interactions? Specifically it isn’t about the ears; the ears aren’t hot. But it is about Dolph portraying a character that is so delightfully crazy; there’s an independence in that sort of insanity I find appealing. What I worry about (and why we’re having this little conversation) is that by indulging my enjoyment of that independence I lessen my ability to recognize acceptable and unacceptable insanity in the real world.
I think, and please correct me if I’m wrong here, that the more time one engages in unacceptable fantasies the more likely it is the reality of those fantasies--painful, broken, destructive realities--will be accepted as appropriate relationship material. But, and this does point to at least some remnants of mental stability left in this crooked brain of mine, my sheer disgust of the character in Desert Heat demonstrates that it isn’t about looks. If it were a purely physical thing it wouldn’t matter what character JCVD played, I would accept it whole cloth every time. We know from our project that it matters very much which character JCVD plays; he is significantly more attractive in Nowhere to Run than Desert Heat. Hell, he’s more attractive in Hard Target than Desert Heat--though again, mullets are not an easy thing to get over.
Looks can’t be discounted, however; I find the Joker fascinating, but have no sexual attraction to him. It could be argued, therefore, that I find Dolph Lundgren attractive but have no sexual attraction for his character in Universal Soldier. That would be significantly unique for me as it almost always the characters I enjoy, not the actors (despite this little project) but if it were the man and not the character in the case of Universal Soldier at least I wouldn’t have to feel so bad about my libido. And it is also possible that were I in a more discerning state of mind while watching all of these movies I would be able to distinguish between appreciation and attraction; I appreciate the beauty of the actor versus the lack of attraction for the character.
Whatever the case, and the truth might be far more disturbing than has even been glossed on here, I bring this up because I worry sometimes that our joking attention to JCVD’s hotness could be confused with a serious equating of beauty and worth. I don’t think anyone needs me to point out that we value physical beauty primarily in our society, but as I consider the moments in my life where I allow physical beauty to over rule good sense it creates a dialogue in my head where I start to question why I am attracted to the things I am. And I would argue this is an important questioning to engage in.
If one is attracted to independence and unpredictability that’s not a bad thing--unless said independence and unpredictability take the form of a crazy man wearing a necklace of ears. Then you have to ask yourself the question, what is it about independence and unpredictability that really attracts me?
If one is attracted to vulnerability and mental anguish that’s slightly sketchy in general--what is it about a man whose emotionally broken and unable to engage in a healthy, stable relationship that myself (and millions of other women) find appealing in theory? If there is a legitimate possibility he will kill you while you sleep (Phantom from Phantom of the Opera) or leave you and never come back (rogue ninja) or will never be able to function in society without you (Luc from Universal Soldier) then there is a serious problem there. None of those things should be sexy.
And yet they are. But only in fantasy. In reality they are scary, destructive, and suffocating. At least that’s what I tell myself every day.
Seriously, though, I think it is as important to know why you are attracted to the things you are as it is not to feed the fantasies that might encourage dehumanizing others. It’s not fair to yourself or others to create inhuman or unhealthy expectations of someone and might lead to an unintentional, but still destructive, objectification of them.
I’m not gonna lie--it’s a serious pain in my ass to be an ethical, moral individual. Self awareness is so overrated.
First there was Dolph in Universal Soldier. Now, we can all agree that Dolph is a very attractive man, but he wears a necklace of ears around his neck in that movie. Ears. If anything should turn a person off I would think it a necklace of ears would be in the top three. Not me, though, oh no; sure, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be attracted. I knew it wasn’t healthy to be attracted. But you show me a topless Dolph Lundgren, even a crazy ear-necklace wearing Dolph Lundgren, and a small part of me can’t help but react. The sad thing is the mullet in Masters of the Universe does successfully repulse me; so do I be happy I’m appropriately turned off by mullets or sad that ear-necklaces don’t get the job done?
Then there are all the countless times Mr. JCVD himself gets strung up in his movies. Usually his arms are chained above his head and he’s beat up, hosed down, or beat up then hosed down. Again--his being tortured should not be hot and yet...there I sit, quietly, desperately hoping that Kate won’t notice my inappropriate attractions (and she always does, the wanker).
Finally there was Ninja Assassin. There will be a guest blog on this movie, probably very soon, but I have to talk about it a little bit here to make my point. Luckily for me Raizu is a good guy--he doesn’t kill innocent people...anymore. Unluckily for me Raizu does kill fellow ninjas, quite gruesomely, without a second glance. Now on the one hand a person could consider my latest obsession a healthier one as he is the hero of the story. But, I’m still slightly disturbed by my romantic predilections because rogue ninja or not, Raizu is one very dangerous, very broken man.
And so we come to the point of this revealing, embarrassing, disheartening revelation about what I’m looking for in a man: how do we, as viewers, tell the difference between fantasies that are harmless to engage in and fantasies that we should fight against with every breath of our existence?
I assume (and I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming this) that were I to meet a young, shirtless Dolph Lundgren with a necklace of ears around his neck I would not react with breathless anticipation. I assume (and please please PLEASE let me be right about this) that I would run the other way as fast as my chubby little legs would let me. I also assume that there is no context within which another human being might suffer genuine distress that I could find arousing.
But, moving away from the literal here, how do I make sure that the qualities in these examples that appeal to me--craziness and brokenness primarily--aren’t dictating my choices and decisions in my everyday interactions? Specifically it isn’t about the ears; the ears aren’t hot. But it is about Dolph portraying a character that is so delightfully crazy; there’s an independence in that sort of insanity I find appealing. What I worry about (and why we’re having this little conversation) is that by indulging my enjoyment of that independence I lessen my ability to recognize acceptable and unacceptable insanity in the real world.
I think, and please correct me if I’m wrong here, that the more time one engages in unacceptable fantasies the more likely it is the reality of those fantasies--painful, broken, destructive realities--will be accepted as appropriate relationship material. But, and this does point to at least some remnants of mental stability left in this crooked brain of mine, my sheer disgust of the character in Desert Heat demonstrates that it isn’t about looks. If it were a purely physical thing it wouldn’t matter what character JCVD played, I would accept it whole cloth every time. We know from our project that it matters very much which character JCVD plays; he is significantly more attractive in Nowhere to Run than Desert Heat. Hell, he’s more attractive in Hard Target than Desert Heat--though again, mullets are not an easy thing to get over.
Looks can’t be discounted, however; I find the Joker fascinating, but have no sexual attraction to him. It could be argued, therefore, that I find Dolph Lundgren attractive but have no sexual attraction for his character in Universal Soldier. That would be significantly unique for me as it almost always the characters I enjoy, not the actors (despite this little project) but if it were the man and not the character in the case of Universal Soldier at least I wouldn’t have to feel so bad about my libido. And it is also possible that were I in a more discerning state of mind while watching all of these movies I would be able to distinguish between appreciation and attraction; I appreciate the beauty of the actor versus the lack of attraction for the character.
Whatever the case, and the truth might be far more disturbing than has even been glossed on here, I bring this up because I worry sometimes that our joking attention to JCVD’s hotness could be confused with a serious equating of beauty and worth. I don’t think anyone needs me to point out that we value physical beauty primarily in our society, but as I consider the moments in my life where I allow physical beauty to over rule good sense it creates a dialogue in my head where I start to question why I am attracted to the things I am. And I would argue this is an important questioning to engage in.
If one is attracted to independence and unpredictability that’s not a bad thing--unless said independence and unpredictability take the form of a crazy man wearing a necklace of ears. Then you have to ask yourself the question, what is it about independence and unpredictability that really attracts me?
If one is attracted to vulnerability and mental anguish that’s slightly sketchy in general--what is it about a man whose emotionally broken and unable to engage in a healthy, stable relationship that myself (and millions of other women) find appealing in theory? If there is a legitimate possibility he will kill you while you sleep (Phantom from Phantom of the Opera) or leave you and never come back (rogue ninja) or will never be able to function in society without you (Luc from Universal Soldier) then there is a serious problem there. None of those things should be sexy.
And yet they are. But only in fantasy. In reality they are scary, destructive, and suffocating. At least that’s what I tell myself every day.
Seriously, though, I think it is as important to know why you are attracted to the things you are as it is not to feed the fantasies that might encourage dehumanizing others. It’s not fair to yourself or others to create inhuman or unhealthy expectations of someone and might lead to an unintentional, but still destructive, objectification of them.
I’m not gonna lie--it’s a serious pain in my ass to be an ethical, moral individual. Self awareness is so overrated.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Nowhere to Run
“Au Revoir, Fucker!”
Finally a catchphrase worthy of JCVD himself.
Overall VD Rating: 7
We were both pleasantly surprised by the sneaky awesomeness of this movie. There was sexy time, there was Rosanna Arquette, there were kids (one of whom was a Culkin!) and there was JCVD who runs into burning building buildings, saves babies, is a convict, a lawyer, and knows how to operate construction equipment. People should be warned before watching this film.
JCVD Exposure: 9
In chronological order we give you:
Scene 1: Bathing in the lake with no clothes on
Scene 2: Taking a shower with no clothes on
Scene 3: Best sexy time EVER--again with no clothes on
Scene 4: Wet fighting scene...unfortunately, with clothes on.
Honorable mention: Riding a motorcycle across the top of a gosh darned mountain. Seriously.
The emotive opportunities were also carefully mined, as a (literally) heartbreaking goodbye scene between JCVD and the kids almost made Jess cry; it could have been her consumption, but we’ll blame it on the movie. Also, while JCVD plays a convict (again) he is neither bestial, monstrous, or sending girls to Cleveland after one night spent together. This was the sort of convict with a heart of gold that we have been suffering through all of these prison movies for. It was a long time comin’ but much appreciated now that it’s here.
We can neither confirm nor deny the possibility of the DVD having been rewound and paused directly leading up to sexy time...and then rewound while paused. She was sponging him down--what are we supposed to do?
It’s also possible that every time JCVD gets chained up and beat Jess has an inappropriate reaction. What’s worse, this or the ears? Oh the things JCVD teaches us about ourselves.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5
It was good, but it wasn’t exceptional. At no point were we bored, but we can’t possibly put it in the category of Bloodsport or anything like that. He does take a guy out by leaping through a car--that was cool. Other than that most of the action was his heroics; the end fight scene was good, but nothing superior to, say, Roadhouse.
JCVD Fighting Lesson: When throwing someone out a window, it is best to avoid going out with them.
The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7
Let’s start with Rosanna Arquette. First off, there’s a full frontal, and it isn’t even sexy time yet. The carpet does not match the curtains. However, she is certainly one of the top three heroines we have seen thus far. She’s strong, independent, and capable without whining, sniveling, or running into gun fights without a gun. We loved that about her. She also promised to wait for JCVD as long as it took; that’s the sort of loyalty we’re looking for in our JCVD women. (Please don’t psychoanalyze us.)
Then there was Keirnan Culkin. He’s a Culkin! Despite not being his older brother, there still managed to be a Home Alone moment in this movie. When a Culkin lures a bad guy into a trap, “Come get me you big, fat jerk!” we can’t help but compare the two. He and his sister were some of the best child actors we’ve seen so far, and that was really, honestly, a tremendously appreciated surprise.
Epilogue:
We write this scene in protest of this movie’s ambiguously tragic ending. Jess will have a coronary without it.
Lights Up: Scene Clydie’s Farm. It’s sunrise, summer. Clydie is up in the kitchen making breakfast for the kids.
Flash Across Screen: 3 Years Later
Clydie looks up as a motorcycle roars in the distance. She always looks up, even though she knows it can’t be him. She sets the bowl with the whipped eggs on the table as it becomes apparent the motorcycle is coming to her farm. The kids run downstairs, awakened by the noise.
The northern California fog parts as a figure, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses appears on the motorcycle. He roars to a stop in front of the house and all three, both kids and Clydie, run off the porch to greet him.
Mookie: Sam!
Sam scoops both kids up in his arms and hugs them in greeting before setting them back down and tentatively meeting Clydie’s tearful gaze.
Long pause.
Sam: I said I’d come back.
Clydie: I waited.
They embrace and kiss passionately.
Fade Out.
Take that movie!
We dedicate this post to Zoltan Elek. The man responsible for the make-up on this film. We love you Zoltan.
Finally a catchphrase worthy of JCVD himself.
Overall VD Rating: 7
We were both pleasantly surprised by the sneaky awesomeness of this movie. There was sexy time, there was Rosanna Arquette, there were kids (one of whom was a Culkin!) and there was JCVD who runs into burning building buildings, saves babies, is a convict, a lawyer, and knows how to operate construction equipment. People should be warned before watching this film.
JCVD Exposure: 9
In chronological order we give you:
Scene 1: Bathing in the lake with no clothes on
Scene 2: Taking a shower with no clothes on
Scene 3: Best sexy time EVER--again with no clothes on
Scene 4: Wet fighting scene...unfortunately, with clothes on.
Honorable mention: Riding a motorcycle across the top of a gosh darned mountain. Seriously.
The emotive opportunities were also carefully mined, as a (literally) heartbreaking goodbye scene between JCVD and the kids almost made Jess cry; it could have been her consumption, but we’ll blame it on the movie. Also, while JCVD plays a convict (again) he is neither bestial, monstrous, or sending girls to Cleveland after one night spent together. This was the sort of convict with a heart of gold that we have been suffering through all of these prison movies for. It was a long time comin’ but much appreciated now that it’s here.
We can neither confirm nor deny the possibility of the DVD having been rewound and paused directly leading up to sexy time...and then rewound while paused. She was sponging him down--what are we supposed to do?
It’s also possible that every time JCVD gets chained up and beat Jess has an inappropriate reaction. What’s worse, this or the ears? Oh the things JCVD teaches us about ourselves.
JCVD Boot to Face Action: 5
It was good, but it wasn’t exceptional. At no point were we bored, but we can’t possibly put it in the category of Bloodsport or anything like that. He does take a guy out by leaping through a car--that was cool. Other than that most of the action was his heroics; the end fight scene was good, but nothing superior to, say, Roadhouse.
JCVD Fighting Lesson: When throwing someone out a window, it is best to avoid going out with them.
The Effect of Supporting Roles on JCVD’s Awesomeness: 7
Let’s start with Rosanna Arquette. First off, there’s a full frontal, and it isn’t even sexy time yet. The carpet does not match the curtains. However, she is certainly one of the top three heroines we have seen thus far. She’s strong, independent, and capable without whining, sniveling, or running into gun fights without a gun. We loved that about her. She also promised to wait for JCVD as long as it took; that’s the sort of loyalty we’re looking for in our JCVD women. (Please don’t psychoanalyze us.)
Then there was Keirnan Culkin. He’s a Culkin! Despite not being his older brother, there still managed to be a Home Alone moment in this movie. When a Culkin lures a bad guy into a trap, “Come get me you big, fat jerk!” we can’t help but compare the two. He and his sister were some of the best child actors we’ve seen so far, and that was really, honestly, a tremendously appreciated surprise.
Epilogue:
We write this scene in protest of this movie’s ambiguously tragic ending. Jess will have a coronary without it.
Lights Up: Scene Clydie’s Farm. It’s sunrise, summer. Clydie is up in the kitchen making breakfast for the kids.
Flash Across Screen: 3 Years Later
Clydie looks up as a motorcycle roars in the distance. She always looks up, even though she knows it can’t be him. She sets the bowl with the whipped eggs on the table as it becomes apparent the motorcycle is coming to her farm. The kids run downstairs, awakened by the noise.
The northern California fog parts as a figure, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses appears on the motorcycle. He roars to a stop in front of the house and all three, both kids and Clydie, run off the porch to greet him.
Mookie: Sam!
Sam scoops both kids up in his arms and hugs them in greeting before setting them back down and tentatively meeting Clydie’s tearful gaze.
Long pause.
Sam: I said I’d come back.
Clydie: I waited.
They embrace and kiss passionately.
Fade Out.
Take that movie!
We dedicate this post to Zoltan Elek. The man responsible for the make-up on this film. We love you Zoltan.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
